Thursday, December 31, 2009

Comic Three-In-One

Daredevil Vol. 6: Lowlife

Daredevil starts dating the blind chick he eventually marries and drives insane, every man's dream!


Fantastic Four: Imaginauts

The Fantastic Four find their 'Q' rating dropping, so they hire a new publicist. Maybe we should do that here?


Incredible Hulk Vol. 5: Hide In Plain Sight

*sound of me dying in the most excruciating way possible, which is reading this book*


Saturday, December 26, 2009

Santa Buddies: The Legend Of Santa Paws

I don't know who exactly won the war on terror, but it clearly wasn't us.


Transformers Revenge of the Fallen Swerve Toy

It's not just that Michael Bay's transformers make for ugly toys, and it's not just you need a graduate degree in engineering combined with the deft touch of a neurosurgeon to transform the fucking thing without snapping an arm off. Nope, what makes this the worst toy in the universe is that its head, which is about the size and shape of a wasabi pea, is spring loaded to fly off at the slightest provocation and is nearly impossible to reattach. Forget my kids—this thing is a choking hazard for me.


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Friday, December 25, 2009

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #25: Christmas in Hollis

Run DMC's "Christmas in Hollis" has to be one of my all time favorite Christmas songs. And not just because it's featured in one of my all time favorite movies (Die Hard) either. When I decided to start this Christmas song project, I knew I was going to feature "Christmas in Hollis" as the pièce de résistance of the series. I just had no idea how much schlock I'd have to wade through first. So that's it, the project is finished. Merry Christmas. 

Rating: Gold rope chains

(Image from Wikipedia)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas to Glenn, Glenn's Girlfriend, Loco, Laurie, NBNL, Andrew, Quammy, Chris, Evan, Loren, Bryan, Robyn, Nick, Shoppista, Belebras, John from Daejon, Lipstickmom123, Fence Magazine, Anonymous, and anyone else my beer/absinthe/whiskey-addled brain may have missed. Each of you is an irreducible component of an effervescent and bittersweet brew. May Jesus, Santa, etc. bless you all.

RATING: 100%

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25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #24: Merry Christmas Everybody

I was shoveling snow at work today when one of my co-workers played a snippet of Stompin' Tom Connors' "Merry Christmas Everybody" over the two-way radio. I was kind of surprised because I had never heard the song before and I consider myself somewhat of a casual fan of Stompin' Tom. For those not in the know (i.e. anyone who is not Canadian), Stompin' Tom Connors is a prolific Canadian folk/country singer. Having acquired the nickname for his tendency to stomp his foot to keep the rhythm while playing. Stompin' Tom is also known for his extensive discography which include such favorites as "The Hockey Song" and "Bud the Spud."

Rating: Turkey and mashed potatoes%

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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #23: I'll Be Home for Christmas

Since I'm in my late twenties and I don't have any kids, Christmas isn't quite as exciting as it used to be. Though, one thing I always look forward to at Christmas time is seeing old friends. Hence today's selection, "I'll Be Home for Christmas." There's got to be at least a hundred versions of the song out there, but I've gone with Dean Martin's version. Only because I'm pretty sure he's the only person to do the song who has both gotten schmammered with Frank Sinatra and taken a swing at John Wayne (in a movie at least).

Rating: Suck on that, Bing Crosby%

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Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Ok, so we've all heard how terrible the plot of this movie is, but I have to say that I think we can put all of that aside and just enjoy the most amazing visual spectacle of a movie that I've seen in years, if not ever. Anyway, some space cats live on a planet and then humans come along to move them away from some valuable things. Also the space cats wear feathers in their hair and shoot bow and arrows GET IT??? I swear though if you see it in 3d you won't care about how dumb any of that sounds.


25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #22: Christmas at Ground Zero

Generally speaking, "Weird Al" Yankovic's parody songs are pretty tame. There's no swearing in them and the subject matter skews PG. So it's odd that two of the very few songs in his catalog that are considered "dark" are both Christmas songs. The first, "Christmas at Ground Zero," is a style parody of traditional Christmas songs, wherein Mr. Yankovic elaborates on holiday celebrations amid imminent nuclear annihilation. The other, "The Night Santa Went Crazy," describes a scenario in which Santa's reindeer and toy making elves are tortured and/or murdered after Santa goes on a killing spree.

Rating: Twinkie wiener sandwich%

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Monday, December 21, 2009

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #21: Reggae Christmas

Five words: Bryan Adams' "Reggae Christmas," wow. While doing this Christmas song project I've listened to and watched videos for quite a few different songs, all of varying quality. However, I don't think I was quite prepared for Bryan freaking Adams' "Reggae Christmas." Initially, I thought I'd just make some jokes about Bryan Adams' being inspired to record the song while he was high (see also: Paul McCartney's "Wondeful Christmastime"). But then I saw the video, three and a half minutes of Pee Wee Herman in a horrible dread wig dancing around an MTV studio while Bryan Adams and his band mime playing the song on stage. Wow.

Rating: My mind is blown%

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Sunday, December 20, 2009

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #20: Santa Claus

The Sonics, most famous for their garage rock songs about psychos, witches and strychnine, recorded a number of Christmas songs during their career. "Santa Claus" and "Don't Believe in Christmas" being the most prominent of their Christmas repertoire. The former plays like a hopeful plea to Santa while the latter is an angrier response to Santa's absence.

Rating: HOH OHO%

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Saturday, December 19, 2009

A Month of Ill-Fated Consumer Products #10: Esperanto

One day some guy realized that Europeans seemed to be having a hard time understanding each other's jibber jabber, so he made up some other, different jibber jabber that they could supposedly understand easier. It never really caught on. Why Europeans have to talk all fancy instead of just saying it like we do here in America is beyond me, but I suspect it has something to do with decadent effeminacy and intellectual frou frou. By the way: William Shatner.

RATING: Fiku vin%

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25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #19: Jingle Bell Rock

One of my favorite sub-genres of movies would have to be '80s action movies set at Christmas, especially because they often have very little to do with the holiday itself. Both the original Lethal Weapon and the first two Die Hard movies were set at Christmas time. Usually, in between explosions and car chases, they remind you that the movie is set at Christmas by playing some classic Christmas music. Like in Lethal Weapon, I know "Jingle Bell Rock" is in there near the beginning of the movie but I can never remember if it's around the time the hooker jumps from her high rise apartment or when Mel Gibon's trying to buy cocaine in a Christmas tree lot.

Rating: Don't forget the muppet version%

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Friday, December 18, 2009

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #18: Blue Christmas

Let's say you really wanted to hear Elvis Presley's "Blue Christmas" but you only had about 26 seconds to spare. Ugh, that just wouldn't be enough time. Thankfully, back in the late '70s, the Misfits covered "Blue Christmas." And wouldn't you know it, their rendition just happens to be 26 seconds long. It's a Christmas miracle*.

Rating: Leather jackets and amphetamines%

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*Note: any similarities to miracles real or imagined is purely coincedental. R3 does not guarantee any miracles you may experience while reading this blog. If your miracle lasts more than four hours, consult a physician.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #17: Thank God It's Christmas

So there used to be this band called Queen and back in 1984 they put out a single called "Thank God It's Christmas." I guess they called themselves Queen because they were British, but that's still kinda weird when you think about it, because there were only guys in the band. You would think that they'd have called themselves King or something, oh well. They had some hits, I guess, and then their lead singer died in '91. Which is a real shame, because as far as I can tell, he never got a chance to meet a nice lady, settle down and get married.

Rating: Mince pie%

(Image from Wikipedia)

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #16: The Twelve Days of Christmas

Released on their 1981 album The Great White North, Bob and Doug McKenzie's version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" has since become the definitive version of the classic Christmas song. It's a real beauty, eh? I mean, you can't even turn on the CBC these days without hearing it between hockey games. I was going down the road the other day to get a two four of Molson, right, and some buddy was like, "hey, you ever hear the version of "Twelve Days of Christmas" with John Denver and the Muppets?" And I was like, "take off, you hoser." That's a true story, eh.

Rating: Beer and back bacon%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

A Month of Ill-Fated Consumer Products #9: Myspace

No one wants to wait for your garish background to load, no one wants to listen to your dumb favorite song, no one cares that you're pretending to be Grover or Satan, nobody wants to friend your crappy band, nobody wants to pay you to show your lopsided tits on webcam, and no one especially wants to read your miserable blog--they're busy using Facebook, where they can post by-the-minute status updates, create racist avatars on YoVille and check out last weekend's snapshots of you trying to take bottle slugs of Jagermeister with a lampshade on your head.

RATING: Old Yeller%

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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #15: The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)

Grammy award winning "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" was first released in 1958. Written and sung by Ross Bagdasarian, Sr., the track was credited to Dave Seville and the Chipmunks. Though initially created as a novelty record, the Chipmunks would go on to become a multi-faceted "musical" entertainment property that has lasted more than fifty years (Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel opens on December 23rd, 2009). I'm guessing it must have been a lot harder to annoy people in the 1950's, I'm gonna go ahead and blame that on the red menace.

Rating: Nuts%

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Monday, December 14, 2009

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #14: Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

I'm pretty sure Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" was in Home Alone. Not in one of the scenes where Macaulay Culkin is causing grievous bodily harm to Joe Pesci or Daniel Stern though. It might have been in the scene where he's playing with all the mannequins and cardboard cutouts, trying to make it look like he wasn't home alone. I'm really not 100% on this, it's been quite a while since I've seen the movie. Did you know they made three sequels to Home Alone?

Rating: John Candy and his polka band%

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Sunday, December 13, 2009

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #13: Merry Xmas Everybody

If you were to hear Slade's "Merry Xmas Everybody" on its own (though I highly recommend watching the video, buddy's sideburns are epic), you might think, "oh wow, I didn't know Quiet Riot put out a Christmas song." And if you were to have that thought, you'd be wrong, but not that wrong. Quiet Riot got big in the '80s covering Slade's "Cum On Feel the Noize" and it would seem that they aped a lot of Slade's style in general. There's a pretty good chance though that you haven't heard this song, you haven't had that thought, and probably only ever think about Quiet Riot when you're flipping through the channels and you notice that VH1 is having one of those all '80s hair metal marathons.

Rating: Does cocaine come in festive colors?%

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25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #12: Put the Lights on the Tree

Sufjan Stevens, indie music troubadour and vaguely Christian singer/songwriter, has released a whole hell of a lot of Christmas music in the last few years. One of the better tracks, by virtue of it's animated video, would have to be "Put the Lights on the Tree." It's a pretty short, upbeat, somewhat whimsical song. Also, if you listen to the lyrics, it's kind of like an instructional guide for the holidays (Put the lights on the tree / Put the ribbon on the wreath / Call your grandma on the phone). But if indie whimsy isn't your style and you're looking for something for your saddo side, try "That Was the Worst Christmas Ever."

Rating: Festive epaulettes for your marching band uniform%

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Friday, December 11, 2009

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #11: The Christmas Song

Not enough emo in your eggnog? Well then champ, you should really try listening to Weezer's "The Christmas Song." You'll be crying into your Dungeon Master's Guide before you know it. But seriously folks, even though "The Christmas Song" is a downer, Weezer has apparently recorded a whole bunch of other Christmas songs. And if you're looking for one that won't have you reaching for the razor blades, I would recommend "Christmas Celebration."

Rating: A big red bow on a pair of horn-rimmed glasses%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Comic Three-In-One

New X-Men Vol. 5: Assault On Weapon Plus

Cyclops and Wolverine mount an offensive against The World, a secret location where time is accelerated so that generations of genetically enhanced humans are born each minute. Also, there are flying cyborg whale cops GRANT MORRISON!


The Punisher: Girls In White Dresses

Yeah, justice is done in horrible violent fashion, but my heart just isn't in it after Garth Ennis left the book. Dropped!


Ultimate Spider-man Vol. 12: Carnage

I just don't understand why a week after Peter Parker's friend and surrogate sister is murdered he has to serve detention. Somebody needs to find a new guidance counselor for Midtown High.


Thursday, December 10, 2009

Tartar Sauce

The word tartar is derived from the Greek Τάρταρος, an abyss hemmed in by three layers of night. However, it made its way onto your plate via the French tartare, which refers to something "rough, savage or intractable," just like a Mongolian or Turkic barbarian. In conclusion, the next time you're mad that you got gypped on the tartar sauce, just remember it's probably because you're a racist.

RATING: Jan Sobieski%

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Dinky Cars

The sexist implications of the term "dinky" seem pretty clear to me, i.e. you have to have a (small) penis to enjoy playing with (small) cars. That's why I force my son to call them "vaggy cars"—no child of mine is going to grow up to be a phallocrat. We're Taking Back the Night, one trivial lexical item at a time.

RATING: Gary Coleman%

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A Month of Ill-Fated Consumer Products #7: Pornographic Magazines

Remember when porn used to come in magazines? I can remember going to like 5 convenience stores before I found the right cashier. It's hard to explain—there's just something about middle-aged Arab men that makes me feel safe.


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Dumpster Diving

You know, if everyone would just stop eating meat and start eating garbage, we could bring the corporate slave state to its knees. This one time in college my dumpster diving hippie friends found two cases of Spaghetti O's and a box of cabbage that wasn't even that rotten.

RATING: Buy Nothing Day%

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25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #10: Little Drummer Boy

True story: I once found a copy of Johnny Cash's "Litle Drummer Boy" in a dumpster. I usually don't make a habit of taking things from dumpsters, but I've been known to make an exception for cool records that don't look or smell totally gross. And everybody likes Johnny Cash, right?

Rating: One man's trash%

(Image from ebay)

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #9: Candy Cane Children

The White Stripes' "Candy Cane Children" was released in 2002 on a Christmas themed 7" single (the b-side featured a reading of the story of the magi and a candid rendition of "Silent Night"). Despite being a cover, the song's lyrics feature some themes that reoccur in other White Stripes songs (ie: children, guns). Since I genuinely like this song, I really don't have anything snarky to say about it. Man, I'm starting to think this project was a bad idea.

Rating: Candy canes% (what else would it be?)

(Image from Wikipedia)

Just Bunches

Just Bunches is a cereal that is like a spinoff of Honey Bunches Of Oats. Basically, they took all the granola balls you would find in a box of Honey Bunches Of Oats and put them by themselves. It ends up being like a low quality granola cereal, because by removing all the flakes and almonds you'd find in Honey Bunches Of Oats, it makes each bit of granola all the less special than when you'd usually come across them. So in conclusion, Just Bunches as a cereal is nowhere near as good as Honey Bunches Of Oats, and I'd rather eat a bowl of Honey Bunches Of Oats any day of the week than Just Bunches.


A Month of Ill-Fated Consumer Products #6: Frosted Frog

Thanks to Frosted Frog's cool label, many a Nova Scotia junior high student choked down a six pack of it while playing Diablo and listening to a burned CD full of Limp Bizkit songs illegally downloaded off Napster. Unfortunately for the Maritime Beer Company, even 13-year-old consumers quickly figured out that it was the worst beer in the universe--quite a feat at a time when the entire Canadian beer market consisted of Labatt's products competing with other Labatt's products and Alexander Keith's was considered a real IPA.

RATING: Elian Gonzalez%

(Image from flickr.)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

A Month of Ill-Fated Consumer Products #5: Quaaludes

Quaaludes were the sixth biggest selling sedative in the United States in 1972, but they became illegal when people realized that college kids were using them to fuel lots and lots of dull, sleepy, unprotected sex. Also, they probably helped kill Elvis. Quaaludes, I mean.

RATING: South Africa%

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25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #8: Mistress for Christmas

AC/DC's "Mistress for Christmas" is somewhat unique among Christmas themed rock songs. It was not released as a single or as part of a holiday themed compilation. Instead, the song was released on AC/DC's 1990 album The Razors Edge with little fanfare or distinction. Though it remains a favorite around the holidays on classic rock radio stations, it would seem that "Mistress for Christmas" is an otherwise unheralded song. Is it obvious that I know nothing about AC/DC?

Rating: Mistletoe on a mullet%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Monday, December 7, 2009

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #7: The Christmas Shoes

"The Christmas Shoes" is a treacly piece of shit by the Christian rock group NewSong. The lyrics of the song describe an encounter between the song's narrator and some poor kid who really wants to buy his dying mother some shoes for Christmas. The kid guilt trips the narrator into paying for the shoes and somehow valuable Christmas lessons are learned. Listening to this song is not advisable under any circumstance. What is advisable is watching the animated video that accompanies comedian Patton Oswalt's deconstruction and mockery of the song. (The video, while hilarious, contains offensive language and may not be suitable for a work environment.)

"The Christmas Shoes" by NewSong
Rating: Reindeer droppings%

"The Christmas Shoes" by Patton Oswalt
Rating: Christmas scotch%

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Sunday, December 6, 2009

Finger Jug of Teacher's Whiskey

I was going to say that I don't drink Teacher's just because I'm a teacher, but that's not quite true.

RATING: 40% alcohol

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25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #6: Run Rudolph Run

Released by Chuck Berry in 1958 as the b-side to his "Merry Christmas Baby" single, "Run Rudolph Run" has proven to be a popular and lasting Christmas favorite. While this reviewer is no Chuck Berry expert, it would seem that "Run Rudolph Run" is somewhat typical of Berry's catalog. Insofar as that while the song has a specific topic/theme, it inevitably devolves into a song about rock and roll and electric guitars. According to Wikipedia, the song has been covered over the years by more than two dozen different artists, including Skynyrd, Foghat and Jimmy Buffett. One especially notable cover, from the We Wish you a Metal Xmas compilation, features Lemmy (from Motörhead), Billy Gibbons (from ZZ Top) and Dave Grohl (from Nirvana, Foo Fighters and Them Crooked Vultures).

Rating: Christmas tree shaped cookies%

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Saturday, December 5, 2009

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #5: Do You Hear What I Hear?

"Do You Hear What I Hear?" was apparently written in the 60's as a plea for peace during the Cuban Missile Crisis, but whenever I hear it, all I can think about is one of my favorite sequences from Gremlins. You know the one, Mrs. Peltzer is baking cookies when she hears some noises coming from Billy's room. She goes up to investigate, discovers that all those freaky pods have hatched, and then suddenly "Do You Hear What I Hear?" starts playing on the family record player. Then it's back down to the kitchen for a little festive fight to the death with half a dozen gremlins. Ah, Christmas.

Rating: Smokeless ashtray%

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Friday, December 4, 2009

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #4: Father Christmas

Things are done a little differently in the UK. They drive on the wrong side of the road and the word that they use for vagina is fanny. So with that in mind, the Kinks can be forgiven for calling their song "Father Christmas," when it's really about Santa. Also, if the lyrics are to be believed, when confronted with a department store Santa, British children will likely try to rob him. Whereas, if my recent trips to the mall are any indication, North American children are more likely to cry and pee in his lap.

Rating: Figgy pudding%

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Thursday, December 3, 2009

A Month of Ill-Fated Consumer Products #4: The Smokeless Cigarette

Back in the 80's, medical science confirmed what everyone who wasn't a complete moron should've known all along: secondhand smoke is bad. Around that time, Camel introduced Premier Lights, which worked by "heating and aeresolizing" the tobacco rather than burning it, and purported to reduce "biological activity." I've never tried one personally, but I'd bet a Canadian twenty that Premier Lights did indeed reduce "biological activity," since a smokeless cigarette sounds about as stimulating as a fuckless porno movie.

RATING: Gimme%

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25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #3: Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)

A true Ramones fan is always willing to forgive some of the band's more questionable artistic decisions. Which leads me to the inclusion of their foray into the Christmas song canon, "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)." The song itself serves as both a means of extending holiday well-wishings and as a plea for domestic harmony. It's also loud, fast, and around two minutes long. So essentially, it's not that much of a departure from the rest of the Ramones song catalog.

Rating: Elf bowling%

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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

West Point Uniforms

Holy shit! It's the 2009 graduating class of Starfleet Academy.


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25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #2: Wonderful Christmastime

One year for Christmas, Paul McCartney got some sleigh bells, a synthesizer, and a big bag of weed. Sometime later, in a foggy (yet festive) haze, he came up with the delightful "Wonderful Christmastime." If you don't believe me about the weed part, it should be noted that the b-side to the song's 1979 single was a track called "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reggae." Though all of the former Beatles would go on to record Christmas-themed songs individually, McCartney's song is especially remarkable because it does not suck and/or make you want to kill yourself.

Rating: A bowl of red and green M&M's%

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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A Month of Ill-Fated Consumer Products #3: The Wine Rack

The Wine Rack is a sports bra that you can fill with wine. While it's a clever idea, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that the target market maxed out the credit card long ago and now diverts most of its income to trailer payments and crystal meth. Also, while I'm admittedly no expert in such matters, I suspect the presentation might be a little, uh, sexist.


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25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #1: Little Saint Nick

The Beach Boys' 1963 single "Little Saint Nick" comes over the loudspeakers whenever I walk into a mall during the Christmas season. I always smile when I hear it. Not because it dredges up any especially warm holiday memories though. Mostly because part of the chorus ("Merry Christmas Santa") sounds like they're singing "Merry Christmas Satan." And I happen to think that that is awesome.

Rating: Rum and eggnog%

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A Month of Ill-Fated Consumer Products #2: Hula Hoop

When's the last time you saw someone with a hula hoop who wasn't an acrobat prostitute? We had to use these things in gym class sometimes and pretty much all they were good for was choking other kids. If I ever caught my son with a fucking hula hoop I'd send him to military school.


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