Barbarian

 

In 2022 people are always like “This is groundbreaking horror nobody’s ever seen” and then it’s like a women is r*ped and tortured in horrible ways. This movie was still pretty decent and did interrogate the trope but not as wild as I was led to believe.

RATING: 73%

The Sontaran Experiment

The Doctor and his companions beam down to Earth from the Nerva space station. It's not long before they encounter the crew of a crashed ship and the Sontaran warrior who's been hunting them. At only two episodes in length, The Sontaran Experiment is one of the shorter serials in Doctor Who's classic run. The fact that it was shot entirely on location also sets it apart from other stories. The plot is pretty thin, it was apparently supposed to be part of The Ark in Space originally. Also, the choice to bring back the Sontarans was due to the fact that they could save money on the production by reusing the Linx's costume from The Time Warrior. Tom Baker broke his collarbone during filming and there are some scenes in the second episode where he is clearly attempting to hide that his arm is in a sling.

Rating: This is extremely interesting%

Star Trek: The Next Generation - "Chain of Command"

Picard gets kidnapped by Cardassians where he is stripped naked, tortured, and forced to eat rotten food which played a lot different in the early 90s.

RATING: 77%

Saw III

Hey, here's a good jumping on point to the series in case you missed Saws I and II, since about 45% of this movie is composed of flashbacks explaining things we never wanted explained from the first two movies! For instance (SPOILERS), did you ever wonder which mirror Jigsaw used to put the fake blood on him or why the two victims didn't see his body breathe the whole movie long for Saw I? No? Too bad! The plot of this movie is Jigsaw is dying but luckily his co-Jigsaw kidnapped a surgeon to do brain surgery and meanwhile a sad dad has to compete in a series of evil events to get over his son who was killed less than one year ago, the big crybaby (?). You got a freezer situation, a drowning via rotten pig guts situation, and a neck bomb situation a la Total Recall. I can already tell this series is just going to get more and more incomprehensible as we go on, but, hey, clarity is for suckers.

RATING: 45%

(I shouldn't have been rating the Resident Evil movies so high the whole time)

Saw II

So obviously you gotta amp up the gore and crazy in any sequel, so here we've got a whole group of (really irritating) people with no connection (OR IS THERE?) who must escape a whole house of traps and whathaveyou. There's a needle pit, a furnace hole, and a neurotoxic gas that will make all the victims bleed like crazy! I wonder where this Jigsaw Killer gets his money for all this stuff, anyway? These movies could be better if they didn't presume their audience was full of idiots - whenever the characters figure out a clue they have to show a flashback where the clue was read aloud as though we can't rermember back thirty minutes our own damn selves.

RATING: 61%

Saw

This is the first installment of the famous seven (seven? are you kidding me?) film franchise of "torture porn" films (a term I disagree with but I'll save that discussion for one of the sequels in case I run out of things to talk about). The plot is there's some killer named the Jigsaw Killer because he takes a jigsaw puzzle-piece shaped slice of flesh from each of his victims, although that is 100% ignored forever after they mention it briefly once, so I think they were just attempting to justify the name of the movie or killer or both. Anyway, two guys are trapped in a room and they've got to figure out how to escape with clues! It has an interesting premise and ok execution, but the main problem is I think you're sorta supposed to agree with this killer's philosophy of nobody truly appreciating life until they're forced to eat a buncha razors or something, but he comes across sounding like a 19-year old who just discovered Ayn Rand. Just shut up already, Mr. J. S. Killer!

RATING: 71%