Milk

Milk is a drink that comes out of the boobies of mammals. Most mammals stick to drinking milk their mothers produce when they are babies, but human beings decided one day in history to drink milk for always except not from humans from other animals. Milk is good as an ingredient, on cereal, or surrounding a cookie that one is about to eat. Milk is bad because most adults are actually lactose intolerant, but whatevs, you want me to drink Silk like a socialist hippie or something? Go back to France!

RATING: 72%

Man-titties

Man-tits don't make you look intimidating to other men, or attractive to women. The worst thing about man-tits might be how they jiggle up and down when your car goes over a bump, or it might be the fact that every time a woman puts your nipple in her mouth, you catch yourself wondering if she's some kind of lesbian. Before I hit puberty, I used to hope that my chest would look more macho when I could grow hair on it. Now that I can grow hair on it, I shave it off. So there you go.

In the words of Seth Rogen, "Fuck you, hormones."

RATING: 18%, only because being a dude with a pair of tits forces you to come to terms with your anima, which is spiritually very liberating.

(Image of Simon Cowell from Maggao Blog. He and I look almost nothing alike, excepting our pasty, sagging chests.)