Epiphone Embassy Standard V

THE GOOD: The 10 lb, 8 oz solid swamp ash body could kill a hobo with one whack. It also looks futuristic yet retro, like an SR-71 Blackbird. The bolt-on maple neck is a bit beefy for my chubby little fingers but the intonation is nearly perfect. Best of all, at $399 it's cheaper than an 8-ball and a Craig's List whore, and probably has a tighter bottom end.

THE BAD: The Embassy's passive humbucking pickups are more "Polack on horseback" than "Panzer division," and are easily overpowered by a distorted electric guitar. Fussy owners may want to invest in some EMG's or at least a good equalizer. The low B is fairly clear for a 34-inch neck, but the low B is fairly clear for a 34-inch neck.

THE BOTTOM LINE: This beast won the 2006 Bass Player Magazine Editor's Choice Award and it's not hard to see why. I normally hate Gibson basses, especially Epiphones, but at the end of the night, the price is right.

RATING: 79% (that's a B+ in a real school.)

(Image from long-mcquade.com.)

My Didgeridoo

My didgeridoo is pretty cool, I guess. It only plays one note (C#) so "Puff the Magic Dragon" sounds an awful lot like "Old McDonald." It's made out of eucalyptus hollowed out by termites, but it doesn't smell eucalyptusy fresh and there aren't any termites in it now. I don't call it a "didge" or show it off down to the local watering hole, but my mom bought it from a white guy so I guess I'm still an asshole.

RATING: 80%, but it'd be higher if I was better at playing it.

(Image from pastemagazine.com. This isn't a picture of my didgeridoo, which doesn't glow or float unassisted in midair.)

Gibson Thunderbird IV

THE GOOD: The Thunderbird looks hella cool, like something Tommy might have wielded against the Bloody Hun during the Battle of Britain. $1,499 is also relatively cheap for a Gibson.

THE BAD: The headstock and body are so poorly balanced that the top end nosedives whenever you let go of the neck. It's also breakable, says John Entwistle (God rest his soul), but so are lots of other basses when you let a drunk Keith Moon (R.I.P.) knock them over. My biggest complaint about the Thunderbird is its sound, or lack thereof: remember the bass on Toxicity? 13th Step? Neither does anyone else. Basically, the T-bird's stock passive humbuckers sound flabby, muddy, and loose like wile bowels. I'd go as far as to suggest that you might get clearer low mids by standing pantless in front of a Shure SM57 and flossing your own ass with a length of brake cable.

THE BOTTOM LINE: You could probably save the T-Bird's dismal tone with a parametric EQ, but why bother? If you wanted to stand around twiddling your knob all day, you'd be a singer/guitarist, right?

RATING: 40%

(Image from www.zikinf.com.)

Panasonic RP-HTX7

So my Skull Candy Smokin' Buds crapped out yesterday after fewer than 6 months of use, and I found myself in need of a new set of headphones. Rather than go with more earbuds, the last 2 pairs of which have been rather disappointing in terms of sound and durability, I decided to spend an extra $15 at Target and get some real 'phones. I love the colour, but it doesn't really go with my Incredible Hulk t-shirt. The sound is a million times better than my previous buds, although some dude who actually might know what he's talking about says the high and low end of the RP-HTX7's are a little harsh and they need some EQ'ing to make the most of them. Whatever--I don't even need to listen to music, I'll just stand in front of the mirror and imagine myself directing air traffic at some sort of retro-futuristic slime green airport.

RATING: headphones: 80%
bags under eyes from late night+ 6 beer: priceless