Short reviews of pretty much whatever. Finally, you can discover if Frosted Flakes Gold has more social worth than Illmatic or Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare.
Organic bananas are fucking tits. They cost 30¢ more per pound than regular bananas, but they also taste about 28¢ better per pound, so that's fine with me. I always find it hard to go back to regular produce after eating its organic equivalent, because the former usually tastes sort of like what I imagine chewing a fresh tab of trailer park ecstasy hypothetically tastes like.
The R3 Dallas Board Meeting, which took place at the Flying Saucer on Friday, April 4th, was a moderate success. After several hours of deliberation, Viking Andrew and Internet John decided that they should comment on each other's posts more, that John has to pee 20% more often than Andrew, that there's a fine line between funny and racist but young white men don't get to decide where it is, and that Lindeman's Framboise in a long-stemmed glass is a very fruity drink. They were unable to reach an agreement on whether it's acceptable or gross that hair grows on girls' armpits.
Peanuts are a simple sort of legume that everybody likes except for people who can die as a result of being within several miles of one. Peanuts can be roasted, salted, boiled, candied, chocolate-covered, buttered, or salmonellied. I like them in the shell as a snack because breaking them open takes a little extra time which allows me to savor the idea of Peanut for a little longer. I also delude myself into thinking a peanut is a healthy snack because they are low in carbs. Too bad they are way high in fat (whoops).
Olives are a kind of fruit I guess but you would never know because they are disgusting whereas most fruit are delicious, except kiwi, pineapple, and durian. They basically taste like gross soggy bunches of salt and oil, which is their molecular construction if I do remember my science and I think that I do. The only acceptable place to ever eat an olive is by accident on pizza because somebody else ordered it and you're totally hungry and forgot to pick all of them off. If you eat them for snacks or on a sandwich beware because you are headed for puke city, population you and me if I also ate an olive.
I usually buy a pomegranate in the fall, then I dry it out over the winter on a little altar and ritually burn it in the spring along with stuff I don't want anymore--old journals, used up tarot decks, sad letters, sacrificed tobacco that's all dried out, etc. I bought one the other day thinking I would do the same as usual, but after reading Chris' post I decided to eat it instead.
Strawberries are a very popular fruit commonly found as a cereal flavor (Frankenberry, Strawberry Shortcake Cereal, etc) or candy flavor. You don't see too many bottles of strawberry juice around, and when you do it's like $10 for a half liter, and I wouldn't pay $10 for a half liter of anything unless it was endangered and/or would get you totally f'ed (fucked) up. Strawberries are pretty tasty, and make great jam, but if you've ever had to pick strawberries then you probably have a lot of negative associations with them like I do, since you have to be bent over all the time in the hot damn sun and if you eat one your mother yells at you. In conclusion, picking strawberries out from the grocery store is way easier and more satisfying, said the petite bourgeoisie.
A plantain is like a cross between a banana and a potato, i.e., it's gross. Every time I eat something with plantain in it, it feels like an awful mistake. I guess the lesson here is don't trust the way something looks because deep down it is probably disgusting.
Look, a banana's job is simple: be delicious, maybe act as a phallic joke occasionally, and I guess sometimes a clown might slip on the peel or something. This banana was clearly not doing its job. It was rotten and sitting in the grass, and while I did not check first hand, I bet it wasn't very delicious anymore. Hey, buck up, banana! This is why the terrorists are winning.
As you might expect from somebody who loves grapefruit so much, I also like grapefruit flavored soda. And by that I mean Fresca, since it's the only grapefruit flavored soda there is in the United States. It's tart and has zero calories so you might as well drink it unless you don't want brain cancer since it does have exactly one buttload of aspartame in it.
I really like pears, although I don't know if I can say I like them as much as apples because they lack the versatility. Anyway, when I was a kid I was often forced to pick apples for some reason, and every apple orchard had like one or two pear trees. I always wanted to pick and eat the pears, because that was like a rare treat, but instead I had to pick and not even think about eating a bunch of apples. At least it wasn't as bad as picking strawberries.
When I did a google image search for nectarines I came up with this hippie woman eating a nectarine from Whole Foods. Give me a break! Whole Foods isn't that much better than working class grocery stores, you hemp clad bourgeoisie. Anyway, nectarines aren't that great, and they should choose to be a plum or a peach already. To be fair, the batch I just bought was pretty bad in general, but maybe if I was rich I could afford to shop at whole foods like this broad.
Grapefruit is I think the only fruit that has a utensil named after it, so I guess that makes it famous or something. I love grapefruit, probably more than oranges, but it is not very easy to eat them. The skins are super thick, and if you eat them with a spoon like you are a senior citizen then you don't get all the meat I feel like. So let's work on that, ok, science?
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