Not Having The Internet

Not having the internet is a thing that happens sometimes when you don't have money, live before 1995, or maybe a big hurricane hit your town, who knows. When you don't have internet you have to get all your news from network television, if you can stand it, and if you can't you get vaguely panicked sentences from people about a second great depression or something, but I sure as hell am not watching network news. Also if you go to the movies when you haven't internet for weeks you won't recognize most of the movies on the placard and somehow Kirk Cameron will star in a movie again. What did I do to deserve this, Jesus/whom it may concern?

RATING: 11%

Curfew

When you were a kid maybe your parents said you had to be home by midnight on the weekends because they didn't want you shooting heroin or robbing convenience stores at night. When you're an adult and the City of Houston says you have to be home by midnight that's just bullshit. Someone at work told me it was a good idea because it's going to protect us from the "bad apples" since "it just takes one to spoil the bunch" (they really said that). First of all, that's the kind of crap your teacher told you in grade school, and I'm sorry but society doesn't operate like a local elementary school. I think adults should have the option to make decisions that are best for their situation. In conclusion, hurricanes suck. So does Center Point energy.

RATING: 12%

Hurricane Ike: Work Post-Hurricane...

Sucks when the electric company says, "Two weeks to restore power, fuck you!" Now I am typing in the dark. And it's hot. And the contractors are already pounding on the walls because the office is royally fucked. But on a non-work related note, at least the Silver Jews show is still on!

RATING: 3%

Hurricane Ike: Hurricane Blogging

It was probably a good idea in theory to live blog the hurricane like a real news source, but then when power gets knocked out that sucks and/or is impossible to do. Now I'm sick of hearing/writing/experiencing everything about the hurricane. The TV is all "disaster this" and "bullshit that," instead of "Family Guy" this and "Star Trek marathon" that, like it should be. Hey, I know lots of people are still in the dark (ha ha get it like they don't have power and don't know what the deal is) but lets go ahead and try to have a less mature website again, ok? In conclusion, the hurricane sucks, titties balls fuck ass.

RATING: 13%

Hurricane Ike: City Of Houston pt. 1

That place got its shit fucked up! There's pieces of crap all over the motherfucker, and most people don't have power or food and shit. There's a curfew, and that's a real bitch, and also some people have to work so what the shit is that about? All in all, Hurricane Ike was totally fucking lame but at least some ruined buildings look cool all fucked as long as you don't live there or own them.

RATING: 28%

(Sorry no photos yet, internet is sporadic)

Hurricane Ike: Drinking

Well, we've got to conserve all that water in case the power goes out, and the Lone Star beer certainly won't be any better warm.

Other things I've also used the hurricane as an excuse for: not grading, not reading poetry, not writing poetry, eating pizza and snacks all day long, playing video games and watching Arrested Development and The Office on DVD.

RATING: 82%

Hurricane Ike: 11:05 pm

The wind is gusting now and sometimes it's like "please, don't break any windows". Guessing by my meteorological estimates, this hurricane will hit around 2 am (CST) . It's this kind of quality hard-hitting journalism and videography that differentiates us from the rest. No hype, just the raw facts. In streaming video.

RATING: 35% or BORED

Hurricane Ike: 9:13 pm

A little better than that first Newcastle.

RATING: 49%

Hurricane Ike: Asshole Apartment Complexes

Sometimes when you move you schedule a date months in advance like we did, and then it turns out to be the date a hurricane is supposed to hit. So you might call up your apartment complex and say, hey, we're moving from one apartment to another one in your exact same complex and a hurricane is hitting, can we have an extra day or two? If they are nice they will say "sure, be safe," but if they are assholes they will say "No, you have to be out of your old apartment on Saturday and have the key to us then, by the way you can't have your new apartment's key until right before you're supposed to move, suckers." Guess which happened to us?

RATING: 1%

Hurricane Ike: 8:14 pm

Delicious.

RATING: 41%

Hurricane Ike: 6:23 pm

I wish we could have done an update earlier, but there's not much to update. I'd say the winds are picking up (can't you see the swaying tops of the palm trees!), there are less idiots like me on the streets, and everything is closed now. So this is like 3 hours ago, but way way more boring. Ike, you're letting us down.

RATING: 23%

Hurricane Ike: 3:36 pm

Well, it's pretty boring right now. There's like no rain, but it's gray outside. Windy? Okay, sure I guess. Anyway, I was driving around and there's still a lot of places open to eat or drink, which is pretty nice. In fact, I drove by a bar and a lot of people were out on the patio drinking. I wish I could say that's a pretty stupid thing to do but this thing isn't supposed to hit until 1 am. At R3 we're here to keep you up-to-date with all the "facts" and none of the hype.

RATING: 34%