Trainer: Chewing This Sugar Free Gum will reduce your cravings and is a much better choice than delicious fatty snacks! Contestant: Really? WOW. Trainer: Yes, go buy some of This Sugar Free Gum! Right now! Contestant: I will totally go buy This Sugar Free Gum right now! Trainer: Yeah! This Sugar Free Gum will ALSO give you orgasms and pay your taxes! Contestant: HELL YEAH!
These are great, if you don't feel like eating hot nuts. I suppose the artificial flavoring does chew through the lining of your stomach, so at least something's getting fed! 
Ramen noodles are pretty much depressing. They're cheap and easy to prepare. You can give them to children for lunch because, whatever, they're children--what are they gonna do about it? College kids like them because college kids are lazy and don't know shit. I swore I'd never eat them again after I graduated. But I just had some. Which means I'm pretty much a failure.
I haven't eaten KFC in a really long time and I don't know anyone who has. I remember when they had Hot Wings™ in the 80's, but my parents wouldn't let me eat them just like they wouldn't let me watch Ghostbusters or wear blue Spiderman jogging pants with my blue Spiderman jogging top like Glenn could. I also remember when they had Extra Crispy Tasty™ chicken, which was pretty good in a horrible, crusty sort of way. When I was a kid they had those really soggy fries that I liked but then they switched to the batter-coated ones under the red lights and that's why they say you can never go home to KFC again. 
Bread. Mayonnaise. Turkey. Goes well with a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
Sometimes you might have just gotten done exercising and find yourself super hungry, broke, and in the frozen food section, and that might be a time when you may think buying a $1 frozen "Queso Dinner" is a good idea. Friends, it is not at all a good idea. That unrecognizable slop in the picture has about all the delicious taste of a ruptured appendix au jus. My only guess as to why it's called "Queso Dinner" and not "Cheese Enchilada Dinner" is that there was some legal issue raised about actually calling this something that could be confused with a familiar food product, and referring to it in Spanish would be enough to ward off FDA lawyers. I don't necessarily believe in the concept of universal justice, but if I have done something terrible in a past life like murder a bunch of orphans or sink some Spanish ships I believe after eating this for dinner my penance has been served.
Kevin on The Office said it best: "It's like eating a hot circle of garbage." The toppings are pedestrian and of dubious freshness, the crust tastes like grease and MSG, and the slogan "Now you're eating!" is even stupider than Dane Cook's latest DVD. Pizza where I'm from is bad, but pizza in Texas is bad.
"Hey, fatty, I got a movie for ya--A Fridge Too Far."
Miracle Whip is a sweet, mayonnaise-type dressing consumed on sandwiches and in salads by people who fuck their cousins. What's scary is that there are diners other than Russians and burn victims who can't tell the difference.
Sometimes when I'm spending a beautiful Spring Saturday writing a big ole paper about an esoteric court ruling on an esoteric part of the UCC* I decide that it's a good idea to eat some crap from a vending machine. This is almost always a mistake, and it's not until I'm halfway through a bag of Sour Skittles and find myself in a cold sweat with a sore stomach and that I realize exactly how bad an idea it was. I think I burned my tongue. Snacking fail. (Sadly I still ate the rest of the bag.)
The biggest sign that something is seriously fucked with America is that you can't eat gingerbread houses. Give me a break! This is what we do to laugh in the face of the poor and starving countries out there, make delicious looking confectionery dwellings to wave in the face of children and then say eating is forbidden? That's total bullshit. It also probably didn't help that the house was bought for a dollar two and a half weeks after Christmas, but if it was new I would have liked to eat it, thank you very much.
If you're at the Flying Saucer and you get the munchies, do the right thing and call a cab to take you to fucking IHOP. Don't get this sandwich, because a) it tastes like old salami, b) the lettuce is nasty bad, and c) vegetarians will be sad because of all the ass chickens that died to make it. Also, don't believe them when they tell you there's jalapeño pesto mayo--that same bitch who talked you into ordering the Dogfish Head 120 is probably sitting in the kitchen laughing as your drunk ass wonders where the mayo is.
Cereal marshmallows, known as "breakfast gold" to children everywhere, are tiny freeze dried marshmallows of various colors that taste like science and have the texture of Styrofoam. In other words, they are great. I still remember the first cereal with marshmallows I ever had - Pac-Man Cereal, which was basically Kix with marshmallows. These days I don't eat marshmallow cereal that much, because I'm worried about being judged by people and also my heart, cholestoral, liver, etc. I got that picture from thebulkstoretaylor.com , from which you can purchase a bag of just cereal marshmallows, weird. THIS IS THE END OF AMERICA. Ha ha jk lol.
Even when I was experimenting with veganism (ok so it was a two year "experiment," but whatever) in college I never bought one of these things because I heard they were gross. However, last week my roommate and his vegetarian girlfriend bought one and I ended up trying it. How was it? Well, the meaty part was nasty but the stuffing part was okay so together they added up to...um...pretty gross? And the accompanying gravy was disgusting (I gave it one taste and threw out the rest). So yeah, gross. Vegetarians would be advised to skip the fake turkey and eat more mashed potatoes.
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