Enterprise S1E4 - "Unexpected"

You know that thing where you meet an alien species so you accidentally hold hands and then grow a bunch of extra nipples because you're now pregnant? No?

RATING: 69%

Sperms

Sperms are what we call male reproductive cells. They're shaped like tadpoles so they can whip their way over, around or through any obstacle to make you feel nauseous for at least three months. If you're lucky, sperms come from breaking a futon in your in-laws' basement while you half-watch Clint Eastwood threaten minority youngsters with guns. Sperms can make your tummy grow and grow, and help you retain water for 9 months until you feel the most excruciating pain and then meet the coolest person you feel like you've met already. In terms of accomplishing fertilization, some people's sperms are pretty damn good for not even trying.

RATING: 92%--I've only been pregnant twice in 6 years.

(Image from www.adrants.com.)

IUD

An IUD, or intra-uterine device, is a little T-shaped object that goes in your hoo-hoo in order to make things more complicated when you get pregnant anyway. It's a must-have for women who want to have a baby but also enjoy uterine irritation and extra trips to the hospital.

RATING: Cute but useless%


(Image from http://www.mydochub.com.)

The Lonesome Mormoned West

If you don’t know what Mormonism is, well brother, you ain’t been watching HBO. It’s okay; I’m here for you. Mormonism is…I’m not really sure, to be honest. Something to do with planets. If you want to join, here are a few things to keep in mind: you can’t smoke, can’t drink, can’t do drugs, can’t drink caffeine, can't grasturbate, can’t be a homo, and can’t grow dark skin. The good news? Trampolines!!! Morm-os love trampolines! Half of my family subscribes. My BFF in middle school was one, and he was funny and smart as allgetout; he could do math problems like they were going out of style. My third cousin converted because he thought the girls in Provo were smokin’. And he was right. In conclusion, Mormonism is like Christianity, only not exactly. Like Judaism only not so much. It reminds me of Islam except never. Hinduism? No. Scientology? Hmm. Getting warmer?

Rating: 50%

(Image from trampolinesales.com )

Bristol Palin

Who?

RATING: 15%

Foreshadowing Pregnancy

Since John Grisham has recently taught us about foreshadowing, many other artists are eager to use this cutting-edge device. Ideally, when foreshadowing, you want to drop clues subtle enough that the reader won't focus on them, but concrete enough that later, while the reader may be surprised, they don't feel duped. You can also foreshadow in film! But the problem with foreshadowing pregnancy is that when you drop clues, the audience immediately knows what's up because the symptoms of pregnancy have been broadcast to death. If a woman has had some kind of sex and all of a sudden has to pee lots, feels hungry, tired, or nauseous, pukes, craves pickle-and-mustard sandwiches, faints, doesn't fit into her favorite jeans, or wonders where her period's gone, we all immediately know she is pregs. I don't want to spoil the plot of this film I saw recently, so I'll just call the movie Rabie Llama -- in Rabie Llama, a woman does some of the things listed above and the audience collectively suffered with the obvious until the adoreable reveal. If anyone can think of a unique way to foreshadow pregnancy, I will tip my metaphorical hat to them.

RATING: 17%