This Fortune

When I was digging in my cabinets a minute ago I found an old fortune cookie and figured hey what the hell. Little did I know that this cookie contained some sort of bullshit metanarrative/ironic fortune. (Actually I only have the vaguest memory of all that literary theory nonsense from undergrad so I'm not really sure what this fortune is, but it certainly feels like bullshit.) This is totally unfair. Fortunes should strictly tell fortunes. I don't need it to tell me I'm nice, or that the sky is blue, or that life is all a crock of crap. Just tell me my fortune, you stupid cookie!

Post-Modern Cookie Fortunes: 5%
(Okay so it is a little funny)

Trying to Roast Almonds in the Goddamn Toaster Oven

It just doesn't work. At 5:00 they haven't even started to cook, and by 5:01 they're a charred, smoking mess. What kind of world do we live in, where a man can't get a handful of hot, delicious nuts whenever he feels like it? Someone should build some kind of nut-roasting appliance. I'll throw money at him or her.

RATING: Burnt nuts - 4%
Homoerotic double entendre - 5%

(Image from www.nutsonline.com. Yes, I'm immature.)