Houston

I used to think that Houston was a pretty good city - it has a lot of world class museums, great independent restaurants, and is cosmopolitan in ethnic make up and world view. Then I got this job working with a bunch of people grading standardized tests, and it turns out I am the only person working there who lives inside the Loop (the center of the city, still pretty large), a place everybody else apparently considers to be a hub of crime and liberal gluttony. Seriously, when we talk about our favorite restaurants at work, everybody debates the merits of Cheddar's vs. Chili's, one person actually saying that with chain restaurants at least you know you'll always get a "good meal." I mentioned the Menil to somebody at work and he had never heard of it, and when describing Memorial Park to another person who lamented the lack of parks in Houston, she said she wouldn't go to a park inside the Loop for fear of being murdered by a homeless person (opposite). As somebody who spent much of his life growing up in the ass crack of nowhere, I can't imagine living next to a hub of culture and ignoring it, but I guess why go to a museum or ball game when there's a Dave & Buster's a mile away?

RATING: 35%

The Houston Aeros' Aero Dynamics

I can't imagine what it must be like to be a dancer for a minor league hockey team. Even dancers for pro sports don't get paid - it's all volunteer work, in addition to the chance to "meet" the stars of the team. Well, there are no real stars of the Houston Aeros, because anybody good gets called up to the Minnesota Wild, so basically if you're an Aero Dynamic all you get is to awkwardly dance to a bad mix of nu metal, Better Than Ezra, and 90s dance music while keeping a smile on your face, in some hope that you can relive the glory of your high school cheerleading days or a Hollywood producer somehow in the audience will see you and you'll make it big. Sorry, ya dumb broads, this is as good as it's going to get. Also, I guess it's your job whenever a section wins free pizza coupons for cheering the loudest to ignore the Arab dude on the end and not give him his fucking coupon even when he's looking right at you.

RATING: 32%

Anvil Bar & Refuge

It's not a Bar & Grill, you common slime, it's a Bar & Refuge. A refuge from what, though? Surely not a refuge from the scene, as when I stumbled into this place, I was happy I stumbled in wearing Betsey Johnson. Trendy little scenesters crowded the sparse leather seating, and the bar itself was packed -- some people even had to wait in line outside the bar, like we were in a real city or something! But despite the fact that I think I'm just too old for posturing, I did thoroughly enjoy the drinks at this place. They're all about mixology. A bartender handed me a paper menu and I asked for a First Growth -- try saying that one three times, fast. From what I could tell, it was pineapple juice and gin, but the bartender shook my drink so vigorously and poured it with such love through the most delicate strainer into my itsy cocktail glass, garnishing it with a shapely sage leaf. I felt utterly taken care of. Later I had a Pimm's Cup, and the bartender spent literally three minutes making it -- he beat the hell out of some cucumbers and handed me a drink that looked like a mother's day plant. I'm told the drinks are strong, but I'm too Irish to be able to tell anymore. The Curve tastes like delightfully alcoholic Scope, and the Pisco Sour looks like an elaborate dessert. I'm no scenester, but despite the Manhattan-circa-2004 prices -- $8-$9 for specialty cocktails -- I would return. It's refreshing to go to a bar without rats running overhead.

RATING: 82%

Reality Bites

I watched about a half hour of this movie because it was shot in Houston, but then I had to stop it before I stabbed myself to death repeatedly. The plot is some counterculture youths finish college but then they have a tough time living in the real world without compromising their radical beliefs, man. It turns out that in the hour that I did not watch they all end up sticking up for their values and saying "fuck you" to the man, but you all knew that already. The most important thing I learned from Generation X is that no matter how much you preach about corporate evil and the horrors of selling out while you're young, there will be plenty of time to sell your music to a car commercial or play an FBI agent on the most right wing show on television when you're older.

RATING: 21%

Hurricane Ike: City Of Houston pt. 1

That place got its shit fucked up! There's pieces of crap all over the motherfucker, and most people don't have power or food and shit. There's a curfew, and that's a real bitch, and also some people have to work so what the shit is that about? All in all, Hurricane Ike was totally fucking lame but at least some ruined buildings look cool all fucked as long as you don't live there or own them.

RATING: 28%

(Sorry no photos yet, internet is sporadic)

Having your internets knocked out by Ike

Glenn tells me this sucks real bad.

Rating: 3%

Saint Arnold

When I'm in a particularly good mood at the bar I put away my honky tonk champagne and order a delicious St. Arnold's beer (it's a micro man...sophisticated). It's a pretty good beer that's made locally and isn't pasteurized. I'm not sure that means anything, but it's different than what other people are doing and that seems to be the way to market yourself among the cool guys. A lot of time I get crap from people who say "you need to try this steamer beer from the West coast" or "this hipster beer from New York". Well, I support these guys because they're awesome and I've got some good memories of going to the tastings and sleeping the rest of Saturday away. So if you're lucky enough to get some then drink your Elissa IPA and you'll live to be like 200. I promise. Get ready for the new Divine Reserve coming out next month too.

RATING: 80%

The Houston Pride Parade

This is the first pride parade I've ever been to (although I don't know how many there were in Lake City [yes I do, zero]), and I guess it was pretty fun. There were a hell of a lot of people being nice, a lot of diversity, and beads hitting me in the face all the time because I never pay attention when the people on the floats are throwing them. Anyway, the picture depicts my favorite float, some weird car thing somebody clearly built from scratch to look like a star. Also it depicts this mean cop who was yelling at people and dragged somebody away. There were cops with horses who kept running into people, too, but I can't draw a horse. Overall it was fun.

RATING: 80%