Dark Night of the Scarecrow

Dark Night of the Scarecrow is basically The Ox-Bow Incident meets And Then There Were None with the addition of one creepy scarecrow. When a small town simpleton named Bubba (played "full retard" by the future Dr. Giggles, Larry Drake) is falsely accused of killing a small girl, he is subsequently chased and murdered by a gang of good ol' boys, lead by the local postman (and implied pedophile) Otis, played by Charles Durning. After the good ol' boys escape punishment from the law for their crime, they begin to get killed off, one by one, by a sinister scarecrow. Dark Night is a decent thriller that is very much of its time. Also, being that was made for television, it doesn't feature much in the way of gore. When it's suggested that there are movies that could never be made "in this day and age" I think of movies like this. It's hard to imagine a new movie coming out wherein a mentally disabled protagonist is murdered by a vigilante group. Only for said vigilantes to be killed themselves by the supernatural manifestation of the wrongly accused. Sure, some schlock meister could trot out a low budget version of the story, but I can't imagine it would be something that a major network would pay for and promote.

Rating: 66%

(Image from Amazon)

Red State

Internet washout Kevin Smith made this movie without any kind of studio backing, which as an artist I can appreciate, but the movie is shapeless and takes four or five turns into totally different movies which leads me to believe there was nobody there to say "Hey, uh, wha?" Is that good? I STILL DON'T KNOW. I feel like I'm too familiar with Smith's other movies to think of this as genius, per se, but maybe it's sort of like Adam Sandler's performance in Punch Drunk Love, one weird and unique artistic expression that the artist himself would never recognize in a million years. So the plot is a Fred Phelps-esque preacher hates gay people in pretty violent ways and lots of people say "homosexual" in really fake southern accents.

RATING: 73%

Redneck Zombies

Shot on video and distributed by Troma. That's basically all you need to know about this movie, but the plot is some rednecks accidentally put nuclear waste into their moonshine. Then they become zombies. I have seen this movie about ten times.

RATING: 48%

Abita Ale's Turbodog

A Beer For Every State #4 - Louisiana

The big selling point for Turbodog, according to the label, is that it is brewed with natural spring water. Well, that makes sense, since it tastes a lot like water. Nah, just kidding; that just seemed like the obvious insult to make. It's a pretty ok dark brown ale that I'm probably not giving a fair enough shot since I'm drinking it straight from the bottle. But then again, in Louisiana I've only ever been to Bourbon Street in New Orleans. That was probably not a fair enough shot either.

RATING: 71%

Sweet Water 420 Extra Pale Ale

A Beer For Every State #3 - Georgia

I loves me a pale ale, and this one is ok? It's hoppy, but not IPA hoppy, and I guess I would enjoy it if I'm ever in Georgia for some terrible reason, but it does have a sticky aftertaste reminiscent of puke or bongwater. Maybe that's where the 420 comes in, ha ha dudes, get it? I'm making it sound much worse than it is. As far as true southern states (beers) go, Georgia (this beer) is probably the best. But that's only because of Atlanta. And, uh, hops.

RATING: 70%

A Month of Boring Things - Day Twenty-Three: Jimmy Dean Sausage

Hey, assholes! I'm back, and here to bring you what you've been craving: a nice big sausage. Sausage is great. It's like bacon only meatier and twice the acid-reflux fun. Actually, I'm not going to say anymore. I'm going to let Randy Taylor, my new-found hero, take it over from here:

Rating: havemyowndamnsausagemadelikeIusedto%

God

He's got a lot of names like Lord and Yahweh and Allah, and people are always blaming things on him or photoshopping him into pictures of bread or tree trunks. He's been played in movies by greats such as Morgan Freeman, Alanis Morisette, and George Burns. If you went to high school in a place like me then you probably had a lot of people always saying "God this" and "Jesus that" when they don't like a particular kind of music/movies/literature/science/political view/religion/country/sandwich/make of car/crayon. I never feel bad for God because no one can beat him in a fight, right? I would love to hug him because I bet he smells like candy and tastes like licorice.

RATING: 49%

The Devil

He's got a lot of names like Satan and Old Scratch and Penelope's Ashes, and people are always blaming things on him or photoshopping him into pictures of the World Trade Center attacks. He's been played in movies by greats such as Al Pacino, GlennCShaheen, and Harvey Keitel. If you went to high school in a place like me then you probably had a lot of people always saying "Satan this" and "The Devil that" when they don't like a particular kind of music/movies/literature/science/political view/religion/country/sandwich/make of car/crayon. I always feel a bit bad for the Devil because maybe he just needs a hug right? On the other hand I would not hug him because I don't want to smell like farts and catch on fire (again).

RATING: 51%

Having your internets knocked out by Ike

Glenn tells me this sucks real bad.

Rating: 3%

Tags

Tags are useful, but I can't help but wonder if we've gone a bit overboard with them.

Rating: 50%

Cockroaches

Growing up in the old country, I thought cockroaches were a mythical sort of animal Americans liked to complain about in movies. Then I moved to Florida, and GOD DAMN! This is a kind of insect that is huge and disgusting, and also they can fly for some reason, which is totally bogus. If you are scared of them like me even though you weigh ten thousand times as much as one, then when you see one on the wall or ceiling it will sense that fear and try to fly right at your face. Once I walked to the grocery store to buy some cereal and when I looked at my shoulder there was a giant roach sitting there and I died on the spot. Sorry to have to break it to everybody like this years later, but I just didn't have the heart to tell you then. In conclusion I hate roaches more than terrorists, communists, and racists combined.

RATING: 0%