Barfing

Woah, crap, what happens if you eat too much or drink too much or get the flu too much? That's right, it's Puke City, otherwise known as Barfsville, population: gross. What happens is your stomach is like "What the fuck is this nonsense" and decides to make an eviction, but like back the way said nonsense came. Puking (barfing) can suck if you do it on somebody's face, boob, cat, etc, but on the other hand it still sucks no matter what. Sometimes girls can have self esteem issues and I heard they have barf parties where they all sit in a circle and take turns barfing into plastic bowls and compare the color and whoever's barf has the coolest color combination (id: magenta and aquamarine) gets to be prom queen or something, so I guess add that one to the many mysteries of women that I will never understand.

RATING: 41%

Fingernails

Fingernails are great. You can claw your enemies' eyes out, read a scratch and sniff book, or open cans with tabs on them. On the other hand, fingernails are not so great because you can't play guitar easily if your chord hand has long fingernails, and also because they can get dirty. Also maybe you might catch a fingernail on something and then it gets ripped off which would suck I bet but maybe not as much as never having them to begin with.

RATING: 68%

Worms

Worms are versatile creatures. The early bird gets them, but if you or your dog gets them then that's gross see a vet/doctor. I read a book as a child that discussed various culinary methods of worm preparation, and although I thought the ending was infuriating I guess it was a good book. Sometimes you get ringworm that that's not a worm, it's mold or some shit, who am I, former surgeon general Dr. Jocelyn Elders? The worst thing about worms is that one can get into your computer I'm told and then that fucks up your shit but not in a good way like when Berlioz was on opium. The lesson is don't do drugs and also make sure you have anti virus software which I don't.

RATING: 43% (Regular old earthworms are charming enough to make up for all the other bad kinds a bit)

Cuts

A cut is when you accidentally or on purpose chop open yourself and you bleed and have pain. Some wackos/high school kids enjoy attent- I mean, cutting themselves, but me, I think that shits for the birds. Getting cut hurts, whether you do it on a switchblade or can of cat food. The worst part is when you bite open your lip or cheek, cutting your mouth, and then you want to eat some salsa or wings. No dice motherfucker!

RATING: 22%

Bones

Bones are an important kind of thing that we all have under our skin, muscles, veins, etc. Without bones we would probably just flop around and die because we wouldn't be able to move to get a sandwich and also our vital organs would be totally vulnerable to attack by outside forces such as birds and monsters. Skeletons are what scientists call people who are made just of bones, and the one advantage skeletons have over you and me is that they look awesome, but one disadvantage they have is that they are dead. In closing I would just like to say stop the hate because one day we will all be skeletons and look awesome unless we're getting cremated.

RATING: 89%

Babies

Babies are loud stupid fart factories. They can't even talk! How stupid is that? Also they like to crap everywhere. Nice work, I can teach a dog not to do that, you supposed pinnacle of evolution. Also everybody is always like "Oh, how cute!" or "So adorable!" but really babies aren't cute. They look like if you told a dumb idiot five year old to make a clay sculpture of a human then whoops! All shriveled and the proportions are way off. You get an F-, you dumb five year old, and now you're in remedial classes forever, with all the dumb babies who like to cry all the time and then giggle like they know something. You know who else wears diapers, stupid? Monkeys in comedy shows, that's who.

RATING: 11%

Eyeballs

Eyeballs are things that most of us have that allow us to see and react to baseballs if they are thrown at us, or if we see a woman with a hot butt walking down the street they will pop out of our face on spring like devices while steam comes out of our ears and our tongues unravel to the ground. One bad thing with eyeballs is sometimes they can be not so great like mine, and then you have to either wear glasses all the time like a huge dorky nerd or wear contact lenses, but that's not so hot either because your eyes can start to hurt and then you get a big headache. Also, eyeballs are good for seeing movies and underwear.

RATING: 94%

Oxygen

Oxygen is a very good atom, and one I can't really complain too much about since we all need it to live. It is a key element in hydrocarbons, the base construct of all life as we know it. One bad thing about oxygen is that it can explode and cause fire, but on the other hand my car wouldn't run too well without explosions or fire. Ahhh, it's good I guess.

RATING: 96%

Eating

Eating is obviously great but on the other hand I tend to eat non stop whenever there is food in my house like there is now. I guess it's because I don't usually tend to buy groceries very often, and just buy single meals. So when I have food I eat a lot and then feel like I might explode or something but not literally. Anyway, eating is probably a good thing so try it if you have time.

RATING: 89%

Pollen

On one hand, pollen makes me miserable, especially since I moved to Houston. My allergies just started, and they will continue for like two more months. On the other hand without it we would all be dead, so I guess that's a pretty big tilt in its favor.

RATING: 80%

Water

One of the things water has going for it is that it is refreshing and we all need it to live because we are like 80% water or something like that if the old Batman movie is right. There's nothing quite like a cool glass of water when you're thirsty even if you have beer in the fridge. Also swimming is a fun activity to do if it is summertime, which it will be in two weeks here in Houston. On the other hand, some people can drown, even in two inches of water, so that's a real bummer, and flooding can ruin your life and your car. A couple points off for that I guess.

RATING: 98%

Headaches

These things are not very much fun at all, especially if you get the migraine variety. I've only ever had one of those, and I thought that I was going to die, but at the same time I thought it was weird the way it affected my vision. In my opinion you should not get headaches if at all possible.

RATING: 17%