Children of the Corn (2020)

I don't mean to wax philosophical about the original Children of the Corn movie, but it seems to me like the makers of that film were trying to suggest that fervent puritanical dogma could be just as scary and destructive as any monster lurking out in the darkness. Whereas, the maker's of 2020's Children of the Corn seem to have been thinking, "what if there was a scary monster made out of corn stalks that could rip a lady in half? That'd be cool, right?" Children of the Corn (2020) is a slightly modernized take on the Children of the Corn story. In this version, the children are led by a young girl named Eden, the sole survivor of an incident wherein the town's elders massacred a bunch of orphans. Early in the film, our lead character Bo is warned that by trying to fix any of the problems in her town, she would only end up making them worse. And then that's exactly what happens. Her efforts ultimately lead to the death of all her friends and family. At the end of the day, all of the Children of the Corn movies are kinda dumb and this one is no exception.

Rating: 55%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Children of the Corn: Runaway

If I was feeling generous, I would tell you that Children of the Corn: Runaway isn't so much a horror movie as it is a psychological thriller. A methodical, minimalist meditation on trauma and family. A rustic, windswept tone poem. And if I wasn't feeling generous, I would tell you that the movie is a total snooze fest. A bare bones bore. Just another unnecessary entry in an already lackluster franchise. "It's not good," I would say. "I wish they would stop making these."

Rating: 49%

(image from IMDB)

Children of the Corn

 A couple is taking a shortcut through the rural back roads of Nebraska when they hit a child with their car, yikes! Don't worry, though, the kid was already murdered when they hit him, they swear, officer. When they try to get help they wind up in a quaint little town where all the kids have murdered the adults so they can have their own quasi Christian corn cult. I think there's some kind of creature but the effects of the movie limit it to some flashing lights that eat up whoever's being sacrificed. In movies whenever a couple rescues a kid from some horrible traumatic thing they're always like "you can stay with us now!" Like I know you just went through some serious shit but you gotta at least fill out a form or two for that to happen! 

RATING: 57%

Quammy's Take

Christine

Children of the Corn: Genesis

I considered reviewing this movie second to last because Wikipedia seems to suggest that it's a sequel to the original Children of the Corn film and not the 2009 remake. Frankly, it doesn't really matter. This movie is barely tied to the other films. They sneak in a pre-credits sequence in Gatlin, but the rest of the movie takes place in California. There are barely any children in the movie, which is hilarious because the word children is in the freaking title. Genesis has the look and feel of a modern day remake of a seventies grindhouse movie. Everything looks gross and the general color palette is varying shades of sun baked dirt. Basically, it's pretty slow and dumb like a lot of the other Children the Corn sequels. And I just realized that I don't have to watch any more of these movies. Which means I don't have to write anything else about these movies. So, peace out homies.

Rating: Children of the Hills Have Eyes Massacre%

Fun Fact: Duane Whitaker, who played Pritchett the truck driver, was one of the redneck rapists in Pulp Fiction.

(Image from Wikipedia)

Children of the Corn (2009)

While this made for TV remake hits a lot of the same beats as the original film, there are a few stark contrasts between the two movies. Right off the bat: the married couple who stumble upon Gatlin and the killer kid cult therein. The couple in the original are a loving pair. We get to know them, get to like them and then we're afraid for them when they stumble into danger. The couple in the remake flat out hate each other, there is no reason that they should be travelling together at all. They do nothing but fight and scream at each other. Secondly: Isaac, the leader of the children's cult. In the original, Isaac was played by a character actor with a growth hormone deficiency. John Franklin, the actor, was in his mid twenties but had child like features which allowed him to be a particularly creepy presence. The remake cast an eight year child actor who sounds as though he learned his lines phonetically. The kid has zero presence or gravitas. They have him in short pants for fuck's sake. In the end though I will give the remake credit for having several on screen child kills.

Rating: 46%

Fun Fact: Kandyse McClure, who played Vicky, was also in the TV remake of Carrie.

(Image from Wikipedia)

Children of the Corn: Revelation

Prior to watching this I would have told you that Children of the Corn III was the worst in the series, but now I have to say that that title belongs to Children of the Corn: Revelation. This is a slow movie with artificial stakes, the protagonist is in danger because she's staying in a haunted (?) apartment building and yet she refuses to leave. Not even the other "colorful characters" inhabiting the building realize that they are in serious, serious danger until they're pretty much all dead. There's one line of dialogue in the movie that attempts to shoehorn it into the rest of the series, but other than that there really isn't anything going on here that ties it to the other movies. And while I previously shit on the CGI in Children of the Corn II, where those effects were laughable the CGI here is flat out embarrassing.

Rating: I > II > V > IV > 666 > III > Revelation%

Fun Fact: Michael Ironside, who is in this movie for all of two minutes, was also in Scanners and Total Recall and Starship Troopers and many other higher quality movies.

(Image from Wikipedia)

Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return

It may have taken fifteen years, but they finally made a direct sequel to the original Children of the Corn movie. All the previous sequels made brief references to either the town of Gatlin, where the first movie was set, or to He Who Walks Behind The Rows, the name of the evil force guiding the killer kids. (Except for Part IV, which referenced nothing whatsoever from any of the previous films.) But now that we've reached Part VI, or Part 666 if you want to look cool on a video store shelf, the continuity runs deep. There's a prophecy, a conspiracy, a mystery and the return of a major adversary. The only thing missing is me giving a shit. While it seems odd that they waited as long as they did to bring back Isaac, not even he can bring life to this movie. The first kill happens 41 minutes into the 82 minute running time. That's criminal. Considering it was released straight to video, there's no reason for this movie to be so tame. Nobody ever rented a Children of the Corn movie for its story.

Rating: I guess Children of the Corn DCLXVI: Isaac's Return didn't have quite the same ring to it%

Fun Fact: Stacy Keach, who played Dr. Michaels, was in the ozploitation thriller Roadgames.

(Image from thetruthinsidethelie.blogspot.ca)

Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror

Children of the Corn V is yet another 90s horror movie made in an attempt to cash in on the success of Scream. It borrows heavily from 80s slasher movies, including lifting a handful of sequences straight out of Friday the 13th: A New Beginning. It features cameos from genre veterans like Kane Hodder, Fred Williamson, David Carradine and the little ginger kid from Picket Fences. It's easily one of the better Children of the Corn sequels, which is hardly high praise. The first two acts are pretty slow and uneventful. Other than some pre-credits kills, there's really no action until an hour into the movie. Despite a few fun parts in the third act, it has one of the dumbest ending bits I've seen in a while.

Rating: I Know What You Did With This Sequel%

Fun Fact: Adam Wylie, who played Ezekiel, was also in Child's Play 2.

(Image from Wikipedia)

Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering

What do Magic: The Gathering, the Gathering of the Juggalos and Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering all have in common? Damned if I know. But seriously folks, Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering is not a good movie. It has nothing in common with the other movies in the franchise except for children and corn. The dialogue is terrible, the tone is inconsistent, even the editing is kinda shitty. It's almost a shame too because Naomi Watts is in the lead role. Yes, that Naomi Watts, the one you had no idea was in a straight to video Children of the Corn movie.

Rating: I > II > IV > III%

Fun Fact: Naomi Watts had a small part in Joe Dante's Matinee.

(Image from moviepostershop.com)

Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest

So far none of the Children of the Corn movies have been particularly good. The first movie was just alright and the second movie essentially got by on absurdity alone. The third movie felt incomplete and yet overstuffed at the same time. It never really felt like there was a main character in the movie. There were basically four leads and each one of them had a partial story arc. Either it was a beginning and an end with no middle or a middle and an end with no beginning. And despite being set in the big city, there never seemed to be more than 100 or so people around. There were a few moments of quality ridiculousness in the last half hour of the movie that I actually enjoyed, but they hardly made up for the overall sloppiness of the movie.

Rating: It's all direct to video from here%

Fun Fact: Michael Ensign, who played Father Frank, was also in a bunch of way better movies like Ghostbusters, WarGames and House.

(Image from Wikipedia)

Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice

Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice is a ridiculous movie. It is, however, a very specific type of ridiculous movie: it's a cheap horror movie from the early nineties. It's the type of movie that I suspect we'll see become increasingly popular among the "so bad it's good" crowd. The script for Children of the Corn II is seven kinds of dumb, with endless exposition crammed into every scene. The primitive CGI special effects in this movie are incredibly laughable. There are two good kills though, both of which made use of practical effects and both of which could have been in just about any other horror movie. The ridiculousness of this movie made me realize that there are several more installments in this series and I honestly have no idea what I'm in for.

Rating: Not as good as Ghoulies III%

Fun Fact: Christie Clark, who played Lacey, was also in A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge.

(Image from gruesomehertzogg.com)

Children of the Corn

If I had reviewed Children of the Corn after seeing it years earlier, I would have said that the movie was boring. Now, having it seen again, I'm willing to say that the movie is slow and uneven. It's 90% killer kid cult action and 10% cheap special effects trying to imply supernatural forces. Also, since most of the cast is made up of child actors, there really isn't much violence. Except for when it comes to the ginger kid, who gets his ass kicked by the adult male lead. There are some great shots in the movie that reminded me of Night of the Living Dead, seeing killer farm kids emerge from the corn fields makes for a great image. Overall, the film has a solid premise that gets shortchanged by the under-cooked supernatural elements and lame special effects.

Rating: 58%

Fun Fact: Robby Kiger, who played Job, would later play Patrick in The Monster Squad.

(Image from moviepostershop.com)