Teeth

Teeth is the heartwarming story of a high school girl who has vagina dentata, more commonly known as tooth coot. In a better movie this could have been used as a great metaphor about struggling to come to terms with one's sexuality or something, I don't know, but here she seems to be cool with it pretty fast. Also, I thought the premise would be pretty limited for a horror movie, but she manages to dismember a lot of members without actively setting out to do so. As far as genital based horror movies go, it has to be in the top three, although to be fair I've never seen Killer Condom.

RATING: 57%

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #4: Father Christmas

Things are done a little differently in the UK. They drive on the wrong side of the road and the word that they use for vagina is fanny. So with that in mind, the Kinks can be forgiven for calling their song "Father Christmas," when it's really about Santa. Also, if the lyrics are to be believed, when confronted with a department store Santa, British children will likely try to rob him. Whereas, if my recent trips to the mall are any indication, North American children are more likely to cry and pee in his lap.

Rating: Figgy pudding%

(Image from driver8.seesaa.net)

Scanners

A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #16

Not a horror movie. Thanks for lying to me, every video store I've ever been in.

RATING: 71%
HORROR RATING: 23%

Colored* Cigarettes

Sorry your mint mojito cigarettes were outlawed, kids, but have no fear! Now there are cigarettes that look like colored pencils that no grown adult would be caught dead smoking. I guess cigarette companies have stopped even trying to pretend they're not marketing to kids, what with the pastel pink cigarette brand named after a Disney movie, so let's all heave a sigh of relief and buy a pack for a kid you love. I guess in theory I didn't think anyone over the age of 14 and/or born with a dick would want to smoke these, but Facebook proved me wrong -- a friend's 17-year-old sibling staged a nice little photo shoot with friends, each of whom looked elated to be smoking these. I was upset; not because they were smoking, but because Nat Sherman had so publicly pwned them all. There was a guy with a piercing in his face, a guy who had paid money to have someone puncture his face with a needle, sucking on what appeared to be a CoverGirl eyeliner from the 80's. Nat Sherman: 1, Pierced Dude: 0.

*you know I didn't mean it like that... my boyfriend's black!

RATING: 8% (the green one looks pretty)

Rosemary's Baby

I don't care what Polanski says, I knew the bitch was hysterical the moment she got her hair cut short without asking her husband first.

RATING: 82%

(Image from www.horrorlair.com.)

Birthin' Book

What To Expect When You're Expecting is a guide for women with a bun in the oven. The format of the book is simple and sensible. It informs the reader month by month how their swelling body will continue to change, how a baby develops (it has fingernails by the third month!), and answers “real” womens' questions about pregnancy. The advice is not preachy or judgmental and puts (most of) your nerves at ease. So, if you are worried that trying to have a bowel movement at Wal Mart may lead to a baby in the toilet, or if you want to know if you can do cocaine off a transexual stripper's ass during your pregnancy, this book is for you.

RATING: 92%

Pedi-Egg

I felt like an idiot buying this (from CVS, not tv), but damn, my feet are smooth. The only problem was that the dead skin bits did not stay all nice and confined inside they egg the way they do on tv. They actually kind of flew all over my couch, which sucked. It was totally worth it, tho.

Rating: 90%

Also, check out this great clip featuring the Pedi-Egg.

Sperms

Sperms are what we call male reproductive cells. They're shaped like tadpoles so they can whip their way over, around or through any obstacle to make you feel nauseous for at least three months. If you're lucky, sperms come from breaking a futon in your in-laws' basement while you half-watch Clint Eastwood threaten minority youngsters with guns. Sperms can make your tummy grow and grow, and help you retain water for 9 months until you feel the most excruciating pain and then meet the coolest person you feel like you've met already. In terms of accomplishing fertilization, some people's sperms are pretty damn good for not even trying.

RATING: 92%--I've only been pregnant twice in 6 years.

(Image from www.adrants.com.)

The "No Call" Rejection

Some people think simply not calling a person is a perfectly acceptable way to say “not interested.” I am not one of these people. Specifically, I’m talking about a situation where you go on one or two dates with someone and then for whatever reason decide that you’re no longer interested in dating them. But instead of calling and politely saying, “hey I think you’re nice, but you’re just not right for me,” you simply don’t return their calls. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the motivation to go the no-call route—no doubt, it’s a lot easier on the party doing the rejecting. But it’s also rude as hell and completely immature. So here’s what I have to say to no-call rejectors: Any person that was willing to take time out of their schedule to go on one or more dates with you deserves the basic respect of a polite call saying you aren’t interested. Any other method just makes them feel bad and you look like an asshole.

Rating: immaturedickwad%

Abaeté Fall 2009 Collection

It's about time that I added something to the V3 component of R3, so I've decided to review a few shows from fashion week. (Maybe someone with strong feelings about the Betsy Johnson show will follow suit, nudge, nudge.) On first look, I found the Abaeté show to be well crafted but a little boring, but looking at it again I just had the realization that it is about 76% the embodiment of my own personal style. Occasionally funky, but very clean and put together (sometimes to a fault), and with lots of short skirts. (I dress this way because I am an artist masquerading as a lawyer. And because I like short skirts.) My favorite piece is the dress over there on the left, which is completely my style because the lines are a little crazy, but it is devoid of color (I wear a LOT of grey.)

View the entire show here.

Rating: 76%

Jared Leto's New Look

Oh my god, has Kurt Cobain risen from the dead, bought a leather jacket and washed his hair? No, it's just Jared Leto looking like a douche. Is this guy still pretending to be a rocker? Jared Leto needs to sign up for some continuing ed classes and accept that the coolest thing he's ever done in his life was making out with Clare Danes in the boiler room.

RATING: 4%

Open Relationships

Since I've never cheated on anyone and am a perfect angel, I don't have anything to contribute to the cheating conversation. But one conversation I have had constantly with my friends is why, when it seems like nearly everyone has either cheated or been cheated on, open relationships aren't more common. After dating a particularly possessive psychodude, I decided that I didn't want to tether myself to another human being for a long time. I was single for six years. I dated a bunch of people, and dated some of those people while I was dating others. It wasn't a secret, I wasn't lying, I wasn't getting off on thinking I was hot shit because I had (this is probably a bad time to say something like "two irons in the fire," right?) more than one date at a time. One person, who I liked significantly better than many of the others, I even dated for 3 years. But we weren't exclusive -- he saw other people, I saw other people, and although we never talked about those other people to each other, we were both being honest about what we wanted. And for those six years, I watched as friends cheated on their lovers, found out they'd been cheated on, and cried and cursed and were crushed and all the while I doled out sympathy to them while living a comparitively stress-free life and shopping for condoms. If I ever said "open relationship" to anyone, I got the same response: "I couldn't do that. I'd be too jealous." Breaking news: jealousy can be overcome. Your insecurities can be overcome. If you feel like you're going to want to screw a bunch of other people while you're in a relationship, then why honor the monogamy charade? In my experience, it's been rare to find someone I've wanted to be monogamous with; rather than lie to myself and to someone I'm supposed to care about, I prefer to be honest, be safe, and (maybe) be a little jealous while I'm being true to myself and the person I choose to spend time with.

Why am I alone on this one? And this time, the question's not rhetorical...

(photo courtesy of stuffflypeoplelike.com -- punny!)

RATING: OBSESSEDWMYSELF% (translation: roughly 64%)

Instead Cups

Because tampons are great and all that, but you cannot wear a tampon during sex (or you can, but jeezus... you shouldn't), and because you don't want to be the first person in 23 years to die of TSS, there is the Instead Cup. And because you want to save the environment from being buried in a pile of tampons and Instead cups, there is the Diva Cup. But I don't think you can have (hetero) sex with that in. So there is the Instead Cup. Are you following? Condoms will not interfere with the Instead Cup. I know many, many girls who are horrified by the idea of the Instead Cup. I also know many, many girls who are horrified of the idea of the applicator-less tampon. To those girls, I reccommend getting a nice big vibrator, only not this one.

RATING: 72%

Lies Sex and the City told me: The Pearl Rabbit

Since this blog often feels like a sausage fest (thanks for keeping it real, LaurieK!), I thought I would write a review in honor of the consumerfest that is the Sex and the City movie -- read the numbers and weep, Indy -- and the lies the series has sold to millions of foaming-mouthed women across the globe. Ladies: if you are going to spend 80 bucks on something whose sole purpose is to get you off, you may be very dismayed with this pink pearl twittery thing; if you live near a sex toy store (i.e., if you don't live in Texas), go ahead in and turn one on... then clamp your fist around it.... oh, what was that? It stopped cold? Which is probably not what you want your $80 vibrator to be doing at any sort of critical moment. I've also heard from various sources that the namesake rabbit on this thing might be totally missing the mark for some women (by "the mark" I meant "the clitoris" -- guys, are you following?); I've also heard that the Erocillator is to die for (unfortunately I am without ~$180 to test this claim for myself) -- any ladies out there can back me up (or, fine -- any ladies out there at all?).

RATING: 34%