Voyage of the Rock Aliens

A group of aliens, who look like discount Devo, come to Earth in a guitar-shaped spaceship to discover the source of Rock and Roll. The leader of the aliens falls for an Earth girl named Dee Dee. Dee Dee's boyfriend Frankie doesn't take too kindly to the intergalactic interloper and sics his gang/band, The Pack, on the aliens. Meanwhile, for some reason, two maniacs escape from the local mental hospital and start a killing spree. Unfortunately for the good folks of Speelburgh (yes, that's the name of the town where all this takes place), the local Sheriff, played by Ruth Gordon, is too occupied with hunting down the aliens to notice all the corpses piling up around her. And, I'm not kidding when I say this, that's not even a comprehensive account of all the weird shit in this movie. I'm brushing past the robot voiced by Peter Cullen, the Jermaine Jackson cameo, the polluted lake, the battle of the bands and the Lovecraftian tentacle monster. Voyage of the Rock Aliens feels less like a movie and more like a series of music videos cobbled together into a loose narrative. It's a fascinating thing to behold. Highly recommended for lovers of bad movies.

Rating: 52%

Fun Fact: One of the escaped maniacs in the movie was played by Michael Berryman, the poster boy for Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes.

(Image from Wikipedia)

R3 Classics: Lake Erie

Lake Erie is the worst of the Great Lakes. It's small, shallow, polluted, and the lake with the most shipwrecks. In other words, of all things bad about lakes it's the worst at everything. The only cool thing is the Lake Erie Monsters hockey team, but I'm pretty sure there are no real monsters in Lake Erie because nothing can survive there anyway. In conclusion, Lake Erie is like the Pluto of the Great Lakes.

RATING: 3%

(Originally published by Lollsies, Thursday, November 27, 2008)

The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald

On the other hand, the twenty-nine men comprising SS Edmund Fitzgerald’s crew never cried. Not about music, not about art. They were well-seasoned, remember? And not in an Ed Gein way. The odd circumstances surrounding the wreck—a freak storm, no distress signal, the apparently quick sinking of one of the largest tankers working the Great Lakes—has led to wild speculation and a cult following of lame-o detective wannabes. Here’s the truth: The Lake, it is said, never gives up her dead. Lesson? Always trust an Indian. Gordon Lightfoot, for instance.


Rating: Sad%

"The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot

There are only a few pieces of art (and many knives) in the world that can make me cry, and the song "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot is one of them. He takes a minor shipwreck that otherwise would have faded into obscurity and turns it into one of the most moving elegies ever put to music. Even just typing out the line "Does anyone know where the love of God goes when the waves turn minutes to hours?" makes me tear up. Uh oh, masculinity is almost gone, so in conclusion football, Camaros, Venus of Willendorf.

RATING: 93%

Lake Superior

Lake Superior is the most pretentious of the Great Lakes (see Lake Superior State University), but at least it can back up its' claim as being the largest. It's also home to many major shipwrecks so don't fuck around. Fun fact: It can hold the other 4 Great Lakes and 3 more the size of Lake Erie. It's also the deepest, coldest and only one of the Great Lakes with its own magazine, so it's actually Superior in every way. Then again, it's home to large mining and shipping operations, which is so blue-collar and only proves that Lake Superior is a masochist.

RATING: 74%

Lake Michigan

Lake Michigan is the only Great Lake with none of its' borders touching Canada. Coincidentally it has the nicest beaches of any of the Great Lakes. I'm not implying anything, but put 2 and 2 together, and I bet you'll get 4. There's a lot of fish, like salmon, in Lake Michigan so if you're a fisherman you'll probably get off on it. These days whenever I think about Lake Michigan (rarely) I usually think of Saul Bellow.

RATING: 67%

Lake Ontario

Although Lake Ontario is the smallest of the Great Lakes it's the only one that doesn't border Michigan, which already makes it better than that so called "Great" Lake Erie. Michigan has a way of ruining everything it touches. If you don't believe me ask Dan Orlovsky. What I find most interesting about Lake Ontario is that due to it's depth it rarely freezes over in the winter. Hey, I said it was the most interesting thing about it (not that it was interesting). In conclusion, Lake Ontario is pretty shitty.

RATING: 0-16%

Lake Huron

Lake Huron is the most underrated of the Great Lakes because no one usually even remembers it's a Great Lake (unless you live in Michigan or Ontario or whatever), but it's home to the Storm of 1913 that killed over 235 sailors and sank 10 ships, so you oughta' respect. Although it's the 4th or 5th (tomato tamato) largest freshwater lake in the World it's only the 2nd largest Great Lake, but nice try pal.

RATING: 53%

Lake Erie

Lake Erie is the worst of the Great Lakes. It's small, shallow, polluted, and the lake with the most shipwrecks. In other words, of all things bad about lakes it's the worst at everything. The only cool thing is the Lake Erie Monsters hockey team, but I'm pretty sure there are no real monsters in Lake Erie because nothing can survive there anyway. In conclusion, Lake Erie is like the Pluto of the Great Lakes.

RATING: 3%