The Octagon

Scott James, played by Chuck Norris, is a retired karate champion and a bit of a dick. Scott's estranged brother, Seikura, is running a ninja training academy for terrorists somewhere in South America. Everyone in Scott's life is either trying to convince him to put a stop to Seikura and his men or they are actively getting killed by Seikura and his men, sometimes both. If Scott decides to take action (would it be much of a movie if he didn't?) he'll need to get past all of the terrorists and all of the ninjas in order to face his brother, one on one, in the Octagon. ("The Octagon" is a reference to the terrorist training camp, because it's kinda shaped like an octagon. We get to see plenty of the camp throughout the film, but the octagon-ness of it all isn't really something that gets shown or remarked upon until the last twenty minutes of the movie. You would think that, since they decided to call the movie The Octagon, it might be more prominent in the film, but not so much.) Much like JCVD, Chuck Norris is a kicker and he kicks the shit out of a whole bunch of terrorists and ninjas in this movie. The Octagon also features Spaghetti Western legend Lee Van Cleef and Art Hindle from The Brood and the original Black Christmas. I could talk about The Octagon all day long. It feels like a movie that was tailor made for me. I urge everyone to check out The Octagon if, for no other reason, just to hear Chuck Norris's super echoey overdubbed monologue. It's all stilted and whispery. It's great.

Rating: 59%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Ernie Hudson, of Ghostbusters fame, is in The Octagon, briefly.

Uninvited

A bunch of Spring Breakers end up on a Wall Street tycoon's yacht with a deadly, mutated cat. It's simultaneously better and worse than it sounds. When the cat isn't killing people, they use a real cat. A big, fluffy, orange cat. It's not menacing in any way. But, when it's killing time, they use an unconvincing cat puppet with a second unconvincing cat puppet coming out of the first cat puppet's mouth. Now, if that description of the cat puppets didn't make a whole lot of sense to you, rest assured that seeing it for yourself in the movie won't make very much sense either. Let's just say that Uninvited is not a good movie, but it definitely is a good time. The practical special effects in the movie are particularly bloody and over the top. The acting isn't great, but the movie does feature performances from character actor icons George Kennedy and Clu Gulager. George Kennedy sleepwalks through his performance. Clu Gulager, on the other hand, makes some big choices with his part. I laughed a lot while watching Uninvited. It's going on my list of favorite bad horror movies, right next to Prom Night II.

Rating: 59%

(image from Wikipedia)

Voyage of the Rock Aliens

A group of aliens, who look like discount Devo, come to Earth in a guitar-shaped spaceship to discover the source of Rock and Roll. The leader of the aliens falls for an Earth girl named Dee Dee. Dee Dee's boyfriend Frankie doesn't take too kindly to the intergalactic interloper and sics his gang/band, The Pack, on the aliens. Meanwhile, for some reason, two maniacs escape from the local mental hospital and start a killing spree. Unfortunately for the good folks of Speelburgh (yes, that's the name of the town where all this takes place), the local Sheriff, played by Ruth Gordon, is too occupied with hunting down the aliens to notice all the corpses piling up around her. And, I'm not kidding when I say this, that's not even a comprehensive account of all the weird shit in this movie. I'm brushing past the robot voiced by Peter Cullen, the Jermaine Jackson cameo, the polluted lake, the battle of the bands and the Lovecraftian tentacle monster. Voyage of the Rock Aliens feels less like a movie and more like a series of music videos cobbled together into a loose narrative. It's a fascinating thing to behold. Highly recommended for lovers of bad movies.

Rating: 52%

Fun Fact: One of the escaped maniacs in the movie was played by Michael Berryman, the poster boy for Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes.

(Image from Wikipedia)

Prom Night II

aka Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

Prom Night II was never supposed to be Prom Night II. The movie was originally called The Haunting of Hamilton High. It was only after some extensive reshoots that it became part of the Prom Night franchise. But despite the reshoots and new title, the final product has almost nothing to do with the original Prom Night. And I couldn't be happier about it. Not since Howling II have I seen a movie so utterly and hilariously bizarre. I'll give it this, it's never boring. Any time you think things are about to get predictable, the movie takes a very strange turn. A lot of really strong, strange choices were made during the various stages of production on this movie and I applaud those choices. Bravo, you maniacs. Bravo.

Rating: 52%

(Image from IMDB)

Hard Ticket to Hawaii

Hard Ticket to Hawaii is the story of a drug enforcement agent and a woman in the witness protection program who run a small, but profitable, cargo plane company who run afoul of a drug smuggling ring. It's also the story of a cable TV sports reporter. And it's also also the story of a deadly "contaminated" killer snake on the loose. It's basically three or four movies crammed on top of one another and smothered in softcore nudity. It's full of terrible dialogue, corny jokes and ridiculous explosions. I laughed, hard, several times while watching this movie. I'm not proud of myself.

Rating: 55%

(Image from IMDB)

Howling II: ... Your Sister is a Werewolf

aka Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch

Wowzers. This movie is bad. Laughably bad. It's chock full of awful acting, poor dialogue, terrible ADR, gross werewolf sex, repetitive music and nonsensical plot points. It's almost a parody of a movie. It might also be my new favorite bad horror movie. On the plus side you get Christopher Lee dressed up for the most part like he's auditioning to play the Tall Man, except for one great scene where he's wearing a pair of those thin eighties sunglasses. There's also a couple of great werewolf attack/gunfight sequences. But above all, this movie is a must see for the editing. So many cut-away shots to puppets and owls. I tip my hat to the hopped up lunatics who cobbled together this film.

Rating: 42%

(Image from IMDB)