UHF

George Newman, a dreamer and a screw-up struggling to hold down a job, gets his big break when he's given the opportunity to run his uncle's low-budget TV station. When George's wacky new programming ideas start to find an audience, he runs afoul of the local network affiliate. There are lines and bits from UHF that have been burned into my memory for the last 30+ years that will likely be with me until the day I die. Are some of the parodies in the movie dated now? Yes. Have some of the cast gone on to do bad things. Sure. That said, if Spatula City doesn't make you smile, you might not have a soul. 

Rating: 81%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Video Dead

Speaking of evil televisions, here's a movie about a haunted television that zombies crawl out of to kill you or be your friend. I sort of thought the fake movie in the movie "Zombie Blood Nightmare" was a well done imitation of Night of the Living Dead, but everything else sucks about this movie. Like, if they don't act scared the zombies just want to hang out and eat chili and go dancing. Also, there's a murder scene but they couldn't afford cop cars or cop costumes so there's just a red flashing light off screen and sound effects of policemen talking and their radios periodically going off. Let's not judge this movie bad because of economic status, though, hasn't Occupy Wall Street taught us anything? Let's judge it bad because of general terribleness.

RATING: 49%

Wayne Robson

It's a sad day for fans of Canadian character actors, Wayne Robson has passed away. Robson got his start with a couple of small roles in some Robert Altman films and would eventually go on to be a part of countless films and television shows made in and around Canada. Mr. Robson was also a veteran of the stage and a voice-over artist, having provided the voice of Professor Calculus in the English language version of The Adventures of Tintin cartoon series from the early nineties. He may remembered most fondly, by Canadians at least, for having portrayed the character of ex-con Mike Hamar for several seasons on The Red Green Show. He will be missed.

Rating: Keep your stick on the ice%

(Image from watt-up.blogspot.com)

Maury Chaykin

Maury Chaykin (1949-2010) was a character actor who worked extensively in film and television over the last 35 years. Though born in America, Chaykin started his acting career in Canada and would go on to do countless Canadian films and television shows. Chaykin is part of the "oh hey, it's that guy" school of character actors, having been in more than 150 movies and television shows but never having gained serious name recognition outside of movie geek circles. You may remember Chaykin as the witness in My Cousin Vinny who says the line "No self-respecting southerner uses instant grits."

Rating: Take pride in your grits%

(Image from aveleyman.com)

Wow Containers

Wow Containers are plastic containers for people with no sense of capacity or volume. Say you made some food, but you made more than you could eat in one sitting. You could waste that leftover food (the new fad that's sweeping the nation) or you could store it in a container, so that it might be enjoyed at a later date. If you wanted to store said food and you were anything other than a complete moron, you would take a container that you already owned and then you would fill that container to full or nearly full capacity. Then, if there was still more food to be stored, you would simply repeat the process with another container. But now, thanks to Wow Containers patent pending Universal Quick Snap technology, there's a better way.

Rating: Wow Containers 8%
Rating: Wow Containers' Commercial 80%

(Image from asseenontvvideo.com)

The Empire Strikes Back on Spike TV

The Empire Strikes Back is a good movie, possibly the best entry in the original Star Wars trilogy. But if you ever find yourself flipping through the channels and you see that The Empire Strikes Back is playing on Spike TV, just keep flipping past it. Even if you're a huge Star Wars geek, it's not worth watching. Normally Empire is only a little over two hours long, but once Spike breaks it up with commercials for UFC and Axe Body Spray, it runs over three hours. That means, in order to see a good movie, you have to sit through at least an hour of commercials. Horrible, horrible, mind numbingly awful commercials.

Rating: Falling asleep with the TV on%

(Image from creativebrief.thoughtdistrict.com)

More To Love (TV Series)

In this "Bachelorette for Big Girls" series, FOX has managed to strike the perfect balance between sweetly pandering to large women and leaving room for thin women to make fun of the fatties. So you've got the whole "finding my one true love on TV" concept, exploitation and mocking of overweight people, AND normalization and promotion of obesity all rolled into one. So wrong it's right? Nope, it's just wrong.

Rating: FLABbergasted%

Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee

Semi-Homemade is a terrible show on the Food Network where the WASP-iest woman you've ever seen "combines 70% ready-made products with 30% fresh" to make mediocre 70% processed food dishes that I wouldn't let anywhere near my damn kitchen. Recipe highlights include "Mascarpone and Grape Puff Pastry Bites" (includes bacos!), "Tea Sandwiches" (Seriously? Tea Sandwiches?), and Spicy Bat Wings and Bat Chips with Goblin Dip (received a whopping ONE star from reviewers on her website). The only props I will give this show is that Lee includes a cocktail recipe in each episode, but I do have to take those props back because she also includes a "tablescape" design in each episode. Lame!

Rating: 2%

Bea Arthur (1922-2009)

Beatrice Arthur died of cancer this morning, less than a month away from her 87th birthday. She was always my favorite Golden Girl. We'll miss you, Mrs. Arthur. If there's patriarchs in heaven, I bet you're givin' 'em hell.

RATING: 95% (I know everyone's got to make a living, but those Shopper's Drug Mart ads were awful.)

M. Gary Neuman, Twat

M. Gary Neuman is a charlatan and an idiot. He apparently knows next to nothing about how men think, and even less about infidelity. I can't decide if he's actually stupid, or if he's exploiting women's insecurities in order to make money and get on Oprah, but either way his advice on why men cheat is spectacularly full of pastel-hued shit. Women who are interested in why men are actually unfaithful might want to read Matt Ridley's The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature or some other book that addresses human mating behaviour from an evolutionary psychological perspective. Some men undoubtedly cheat because they feel "emotionally disconnected" from their partners. Most men, however, cheat because 1) cheating makes them feel like they're winning the Game of Life (which, for better or worse, isn't an entirely zero sum affair) and 2) they're opportunists and they think they might be able to get away with it. The implication here is that HE DOESN'T WANT HER INSTEAD OF YOU, he wants you AND her AND whoever else he can get his dirty paws on. Following Neuman's awful advice and applauding when he burns the toast at breakfast like he's a retarded child is likely going to give him an ego boost that puts him more in the mood to cheat on you, not less. Forcing your man to talk about his feelings with you more will only motivate him to strangle you in your sleep with a bungee cord or a length of piano wire. If you really don't want him to cheat on you, 1) don't leave him alone with other women, not even for 10 minutes; 2) let him know how much it hurts you, and be serious, not melodramatic; and 3) be prepared to accept that he might still do it anyway, or be ready to leave him if you can't. If that doesn't work for you, ladies, I recommend homosexuality or self-abuse.

RATING: Primate%

(Image from www.oprah.com. Of course, not all men are pigs and heartless bastards; some are pussies, ugly and/or broke, and the rare man just has excellent self-discipline and doesn't want to jeopardize a good thing. And has a 10 inch penis. And wins the lottery every year on his birthday.)

Solitary (TV show)

This is by far the dumbest fucking thing ever put on TV. I feel dirty for watching it.*

Rating: HELLNO%

*Thankfully I only watched one episode.

The Office (BBC series 1 & 2)

I was reluctant to watch the British Office because all I ever heard from my hyper-educated white friends was that they loooved The Office -- "but only the British version!" Since, um, none of them were British themselves, I chalked it up to an obnoxious posturing thing. And I was right! This show is great, and really funny. But despite a few differences in character nuances, I really didn't see a huge difference in the two shows that would make one person disdain the NBC version and adore the BBC's. And I've only watched the first two seasons of NBC's Office, so I don't know if it goes wildly off-kilter after that, but I would love it if someone could tell me why people claim to love the British version so much more. The American version seems to make more use of the ensemble cast, who are pretty funny in their own right. So why does all the love go to the Brits?

RATING: 87%

The Black Adder

It's easy to say that Rowan Atkinson is a comic genius, but that's because he is. Sure, sure, Mr. Bean was way too popular, but who else even tries to do silent physical comedy these days? But before all that, he created and starred in a series called The Black Adder for the BBC. The first series focused on the character Edmund, played by Atkinson, who is second in line to become king of England at the end of the 15th century. He is an unlikeable, self centered, conniving twat, and the show is hilarious. I guess I like Red Dwarf better, but that's just because there's space and robots (bias).

RATING: 82%

This Fake Thundercats Trailer

Cheesy as hell, but kind of awesome anyway. Why doesn't someone actually make a Thundercats movie? I'm 100% certain it would make a boatload of money.

Rating: 65%