Wrong Turn 2: Dead End

The cast and crew of a survivalist reality show are set upon by a clan of inbred cannibals. I'll begin by saying that the special effects in Wrong Turn 2: Dead End are well done. Most of the movie takes place during daytime and we get to see a lot of the deformed cannibal killers. The movie's script might not be anything spectacular but there are at least a couple of twists and turns that I didn't see coming. The acting, however, is hit or miss. The final girl does a great job. Henry Rollins delivers exactly the type of performance you would expect of him. And beloved Canadian character actor Wayne Robson has a fun little part as "Old Timer." The rest of the supporting cast's work is a little spotty. Most notably, the "comic relief" character Jonesy who never stops spewing lazy jokes and desperately horny come-ons.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Black Christmas (2006)

2006's Black Christmas takes the premise of the original 1974 film, amps up the violence, expands the backstory and fails to create much in the way of suspense. It ends up being a fairly standard post-Scream slasher from the early 2000s. It's clear that the filmmakers had a lot of affection for the original film but, for whatever reason, the end result is somewhat unnecessary. The killer's backstory is gratuitous in a number of ways and might be the worst part of the movie. But, it's not all bad. The performances are all well done, some of the twists work, some of the kills are cool, and it was nice to see Andrea Martin in the film.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers - The Producer's Cut

aka Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers

The Producer's Cut of Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers was an early version of the film that bombed badly with test audiences. It was scrapped in favor of reshoots. Even though the Producer's Cut does a much better job of explaining the movie's plot than the theatrical version, it doesn't make for a better version of the movie, just a more coherent one. Most of the scenes involving the Thorn cult and its mythology were changed or removed altogether for the theatrical cut. In the Producer's Cut, Jamie survives her encounter with Michael after escaping from Smith's Grove. We get to see an extended flashback of her being impregnated, where we also learn that Michael is the baby's father. So, incest. After that, Jamie gets murdered in the hospital by the Thorn cult's shadowy leader. The other main difference between the two versions comes in the third act. In the Producer's Cut, after jumping out of a window in the Myer's house, Kara wakes up tied to a sacrificial alter. Tommy is able to rescue Kara and Danny from the cult. During their escape, Tommy uses runes to trap Michael. Loomis goes back into the sanitarium to "take care of business" only to find that Michael has escaped. In the theatrical cut, Kara wakes up in a locked room. Tommy breaks her out, they find Danny and the baby, Michael kills most of the Thorn cult members, Tommy and Michael get into a fight, Tommy beats the shit out of Michael with a pipe and the good guys escape. When Loomis goes back into the sanitarium, he finds only Michael's mask. We hear Loomis's screams and we have to assume that Michael has killed him. I say we have to assume because, of course, Donald Pleasance died before the reshoots took place and therefore not much of his performance could be changed. There are more scenes with Pleasance in the Producer's Cut, with many of them centered around Jamie's character clinging to life after Michael's attack. A lot of the other performances were reshot, mostly for the better, and the film's score is almost completely different. The score in the Producer's Cut is better but is still pretty weak. It's essentially a watered-down version of John Carpenter's original score. Ultimately, most of the differences between the two versions are superficial and inconsequential. The Producer's Cut is, by no means, a lost classic or some horror Holy Grail.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

An Open Letter to the Fathers of the World

Hey, dad, congratulations on that beautiful daughter you've got there! Would it be too much to ask for you to do her and the rest of the gene pool a favour and refrain from fucking her, please? It's hard enough for a bright young woman to make it in today's world without the man who donated half her genes laying up on her whenever he feels like it. Even if you're one of those people waaaaaaay out at the far end of the bell curve who actually finds his own offspring sexually attractive, there's a very good chance that she doesn't feel the same way about you. Wouldn't it be better if she learned what douchebags men are the old-fashioned way, by advancing to sexual maturity and then dating a worthless piece of shit who makes her cry? You can show her how much you love her in other ways, like sending her to medical school or buying her a car. There's really no need to lock her up at home and impregnate her with multiple offspring--that's why God gave you a wife.

RATING: Common sense%

(Image from img.thesun.co.uk. I love you, wife!)