2000

2000 used to be a futuristic sounding number, but now if somebody was born in the year 2000 they're old enough to be a misogynistic gamer-gate troll on some internet forum. If somebody gave me $2000 I would like it but to be fair if somebody gave me $2 I would also like that, or, really, I would appreciate any gift because it's the thought that counts. If you have a blog it might take you 10 months to write your first 1000 posts but then it would probably take you another six years to write your next thousand, but at least 800 people a month are still accidentally stumbling across your hodge-podge of time-wasting reviews (shoulda monetized back in 07, rats!).

RATING: Glenn, Loco, Nick, Laurie, Bryan, Internet John, Viking Andrew, Loren, Evan, Robyn, Ryan, Quammy %

R3 Classics: Lake Erie

Lake Erie is the worst of the Great Lakes. It's small, shallow, polluted, and the lake with the most shipwrecks. In other words, of all things bad about lakes it's the worst at everything. The only cool thing is the Lake Erie Monsters hockey team, but I'm pretty sure there are no real monsters in Lake Erie because nothing can survive there anyway. In conclusion, Lake Erie is like the Pluto of the Great Lakes.

RATING: 3%

(Originally published by Lollsies, Thursday, November 27, 2008)

Movie Three-In-One

Pay It Forward

When someone does you a big favor, don't pay it back...

RATING: 27%







Closer

If you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking.

RATING: 12%








Shaun of the Dead

A romantic comedy. With zombies.

RATING: 73%

Drag Me To Hell

PG-13 rating and still the best horror movie you've seen in a while. I love Sam Raimi. But I haven't seen Spider-Man 3, yet. And I think The Gift is forgivable. How many good-to-great movies have you directed?

RATING: 85%

Funny Games (2008)

I saw the preview for this film in the theaters and thought it was supposed to be a dark comedy. So I finally get around to watching it, and it is pretty funny at times. But apparently a lot of critics were horrified by the film, and for some ridiculous reason compared it to the likes of Eli Roth's Hostel. It's not as graphic, and most of the violence occurs off-screen (a completely effective method in this film for several reasons). There are some incredibly great scenes focusing more on tension and emotion, or lack thereof, in the film, and it does a fantastic job of making a great point about violence in Hollywood, or whatever. Go see this movie because I told you it's worth it, and critics are fucking stupid too.

RATING: 81%

Antipasto Panino from Central Market

Parma Prosciutto, Mortadella, Capicolla, Salami, Mozzarella, roasted red peppers, Basil pesto and arugula. Cured pork heaven.

RATING: 75%

Five Guys Burgers and Fries

Several locations of the much lauded Five Guys hamburger chain have recently opened in Houston, and after reading more than enough glowing reviews from burger connoisseurs nationwide I finally decided to give them a try. The "regular" burger comes with two fresh, never frozen 100% American beef patties (however, they do offer a smaller version with only one if you're a wimp, or hate life) with a wide variety of toppings and condiments. Unfortunately, I found the burger was incredibly disappointing, although the toppings were fresh and liberally applied. I'm not saying it was bad, because it was decent, but it's nothing impressive or spectacular. It's honestly too hard to justify eating at Five Guys when there are a handful of other joints in Houston that offer a way better burger. The only draw for Five Guys are their fresh-cut Idaho french fries, which are incredible. So make a trip out to Five Guys sometime and order the "large" fries, with a small burger on the side.

RATING: 60%

Urination

No, I'm not reviewing the finer subtleties of urine, but rather the act of expelling urine from the urethra (in my case, the penis). I like urinating most of the time. When I've been drinking, and have to urinate, it's just time away from drinking, but sometimes you need a break from the day. And sometimes, you've got to do it so bad the ladies describe it as orgasmic. Hey, I'm not the guy who makes those groaning sounds while he urinates. Show some class, man. Urinating is probably more fun for guys because you can urinate on a church lawn at 3am, behind a dumpster off the freeway, in a bottle, etc. For women those tricks are not so easy. But hey, it beats pissing out a kidney stone. Unless you're a woman.

RATING: 80%

Oishii

For years I've had people telling me that Oishii was a great spot for sushi in Houston. They claimed it was cheap and delicious. The punchline is that "oishii" means "delicious" in Japanese. Well, I finally made it over Friday to try the sushi out. It was definitely cheap, and awful. I left feeling like an idiot because good sushi obviously costs money. Don't expect a restaurant run by poorly trained "sushi chefs" to know how to properly cut fish. It's not something you just learn how to do. The direction you cut the fish, area and size all affect the taste of nigiri and sashimi, as well as the amount of rice and pressure placed when packing the rice and fish for nigiri. So, don't tell me it's easy because it's not, and I don't recommend you go to Oishii unless you want a really cheap buzz from plum wine at 1 in the afternoon.

RATING: 34%

And I Feel Fine... by R.E.M.

Before the R.E.M. of Monster or Automatic for the People, R.E.M. was the band that passed on a record deal with RCA and signed with I.R.S Records, because they refused to record commercial music. Yeah, R.E.M. was an indie band. Can you believe it? I guess my point is that it took this compilation to give me a sense of how they shaped rock music. You get a double-disc collection here of some solid rock tracks like "Finest Worksong", a track that I imagine should be the campaign song for the next Presidential nominee from the Socialist Party of America (I hear it's Glenn's favourite), "So. Central Rain", and "(Don't Go Back To) Rockville". Anyway, there's your music education for the day.

RATING: 95%

Jesus Camp

This documentary is filled with so much Evangelical Christian irony I felt physically ill at least three times. I don't think this should have lost the Academy Award to An Inconvenient Truth, because Al Gore is like a billionaire now, and making his money off the same suckers who are appalled by Jesus Camp (except me). Capitalism! In the end, Christianity is war without science. Well, I mean, who actually believes in global warming or evolution anyway?

RATING: 90%

Steve Earle

So I met Steve Earle yesterday after a performance in Houston, and he's telling a few of us some stories about Townes Van Zandt. The guy is just fucking around on his guitar and telling us a story about life on tour, and I think it involved Townes somehow. It was some good shit, but I was drinking so much beer I can't remember anything he said, but it might have been pretty good because people around me were either laughing or crying. And I think one guy was doing both after he sang "Pancho and Lefty". I mean, I didn't cry at all but it was badass to watch him play.

RATING: 92%

Pearl

Sometimes you need to pick up a 12-pack of beer, but you don't want to spend 20 bones or drink something that's 30% ABV (you plan to drink at least 6). If so, then maybe Pearl is the beer for you. Sure, there's Lone Star, the "National Beer of Texas", but did you know Pearl is also from the "Country of 1,100 Springs"? Unfortunately Pearl is the bastard child of Pabst now (see MillerCoors), and Lone Star is the golden boy with the big ad budget, so you've probably never even heard of Pearl before. But Pearl is the oldest beer in Texas, and I'm pretty sure that means it's the oldest beer in America. Or the best. Whatever, it's from Texas so as we hicks say, "enuff said".

RATING: 70%

Paying For Internet

I've had the luxury of sharing internet access with my neighbor for the past year; but there were many times during the year I considered paying for internet service, because I was tired of having to sit in the same place on my couch every time to get a decent signal. It sounds cheap, I know, but in this economic climate every twenty spot counts. But I finally broke down, and decided to fairly share internet service and split the bill. I figured I could deal without $10/month. Honestly, I can't say paying for the internet makes it anymore fun. It's actually less fun, but at least I have a stable connection. I believe in this technological age the internet is a right, and service should be subsidized by the federal government for the people. Otherwise, the internet is just another means for the man to keep us down. Just kidding. Do I look like a fucking commie?

RATING: 58%

Movie Three-In-One

Down To You

An irresistible comedy about giving first love a second chance.

RATING: 21%







Blow

Based on a true story.

RATING: 73%







The Magnificent Seven

They were seven...they fought like seven hundred!

RATING: 88%

Watermelons

The watermelon is a delicious, refreshing summer fruit filled with racism. The flesh and rinds come in many different colors, which is why I find their history so ironic. Most Northerners despise Southerners because of our affection for the watermelon. So why all the hate? Well, in the dark, cold North people are too busy with jobs, and living in cramped apartments with rats, instead of drinking cheap beer and sitting out on the porch. Hey, it's not my fault they can't ride bikes or swim, right? Check out a lot of the Mexican art depicting the afterlife. What the hell do you think that is they're eating? Watermelons. Skeletons love watermelons. Especially southern Mexican skeletons.

RATING: 77%

Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson is a leader of the religious right who owns and runs wonderful institutions such as the American Center for Law and Justice (because no one can argue against law and justice) and International Family Entertainment. He's also known for being a biggot, like the time in 1999 when he described Scotland as "a dark land" teeming with homosexuals. Actually, I think that's kind of funny. And while all men hate feminism we're not stupid enough to say it's a "socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." No, we just say that to each other when none of our bitches are around.

RATING: 3%

Otter Creek Russian Imperial Stout

I bought a bottle at Spec's because Otter Creek brews several solid beers. It's only sold in a 22 oz. bottle or on draught, and at 10.6% ABV it's extremely strong. The beer pours as black and thick as motor oil with roasted coffee, fruits, and chocolate on the nose. The taste is complex with a hoppy bitterness followed by a light smokiness and sweet burnt coffee and unsweetened cocoa on the finish. Considering the high alcohol content of this beer the booziness is hidden fairly well by the incredible balance of hops and malts. This is without a doubt the best beer I've had this year.

RATING: 94%

Kona Brewing Company's Pipeline Porter

This is some pretty good shit even if you aren't a fan of porters. It's a good session beer (especially for a porter), smooth with lots of malt flavor and a nice balance of hops to round out the 100% Hawaiian Kona coffee. Chocolate, roasted coffee and malts dominant the taste and make for a great porter that you won't have to fear buying a 6-pack of.

RATING: 79%

Lake Superior

Lake Superior is the most pretentious of the Great Lakes (see Lake Superior State University), but at least it can back up its' claim as being the largest. It's also home to many major shipwrecks so don't fuck around. Fun fact: It can hold the other 4 Great Lakes and 3 more the size of Lake Erie. It's also the deepest, coldest and only one of the Great Lakes with its own magazine, so it's actually Superior in every way. Then again, it's home to large mining and shipping operations, which is so blue-collar and only proves that Lake Superior is a masochist.

RATING: 74%