Silent Knight

Michael and KITT cross paths with a kid on the run from some bank robbers. With the police unable to protect the kid, Michael decides to take him out of town to stay with some relatives. But the bank robbers are hot on their trail. I'm no expert on Knight Rider but, to me, it seems pretty similar to The Six Million Dollar Man. If Steve Austin had a souped-up car instead of bionic limbs, he'd be Michael Knight. And this particular episode of Knight Rider isn't even all that Christmas-y. But KITT does learn a valuable lesson about the true meaning of Christmas, so that's good enough for me.

 

Rating: Argyle Socks%

Fun Fact: One of the bank robbers was played by David Proval, who was also in UHF and The Monster Squad.

Saw 3D

A better title for this movie would be "Saw VII," but they wanted to cash in on the 3D craze of the late oughties (which totally doesn't already look dated four years later). Hey, filmmakers, if your part 3 isn't going to be in 3D then ya missed the boat! This movie is, of course, terrible, but there are two good things going for it: 1) a torture device scene that happens in broad daylight in front of hundreds of witnesses, which gives the film a different palate than the normal "warehouse green" it seems to love, and B) a kinda unique plot in which a nonfiction author rose to fame by faking that he was a survivor of Jigsaw and now Jigsaw catches him and puts him through some traps or whatever. Now that I'm done with these movies I don't think I can recommend them to anybody per se, but I'm sure academics will write/have already written papers on the trend of 2000s horror focusing extreme pain, suffering, etc, when America as a country was committing acts of torture so publicly. Finally, look at the poster there - a gigantic robot Jigsaw killer would have been so much better than anything that happens in this movie but oh well!

RATING: 41%

Christine

Christine is a movie about a jealous car who gets mad and kills people. Also, it repairs itself, so in my opinion it almost might be worth it? It's a high quality 80s horror movie, which means the characters are pretty likable and the dialogue is sharp, but there's almost no blood at all. According to Wikipedia, you should "See also: The Love Bug." I always knew Herbie was up to no good (Start the clip at 5:30 to see what I mean).

RATING: 70%

The New Gorillaz Video Featuring Bruce Willis

As I mentioned before, I'll watch just about anything that features Bruce Willis packing heat. So I was pretty stoked to find out that he's in the video for the new Gorillaz track "Stylo." I don't really understand what the clip is about, but it has Bruce Willis, guns, and muscle cars in it. The song's not bad either.

Rating: Brucetastic%

(Image from dailymail.co.uk)

Old School-Ass Dodge Caravan

Back in the roaring 80's, when I was but a wee bairn, Glenn's folks had one of these. Then they sold it to mine, and we rode it hard and put it away wet for the first half of the 90's. This whole review was basically an excuse for me to use that expression.

RATING: Sexy%

(Image from some fucking car page that I had to look for for like 9 minutes. Also, ours wasn't that colour and it probably wasn't that year either.)

Death Proof

Speaking of misogyny, how about 100 minutes of a man relentlessly terrorizing women followed by 13 minutes of women getting revenge? When Quentin Tarantino made Death Proof as part of the Grindhouse double feature/box office bomb, he said he set out to make the definitive car chase. What he forgot to do was to make any kind of coherent or interesting movie to surround the car chase, his bad. I know, I know-- the movie is supposed to be paying tribute to awful movies, so it's awful on purpose, if that's a compliment. It's clear there's an auteur at work here, but I've seen it a bunch of times and all it ever does is make me really uncomfortable which would raise the question "why do I keep watching it" if I hadn't ended a bunch of recent reviews on questions.

RATING: 25% (that's full marks for the car chase, which takes up the last quarter of the movie.)

The Wheel

Boy I bet some dumb caveman is kicking himself in Hell right now for not patenting this baby (the caveman is in Hell because "Know Jesus, Know Heaven; No Jesus, No Heaven" [bumper sticker]). The wheel is great because it makes the transportation of us and other items way easier largely due to calculus or something, who am I, Professor Brains-a-lot? The wheel is bad because when the wheels of time keep turning that means I die, you die, everybody dies, no stopping it, the end. Cheer up, at least there's also the Ferris Wheel, which I forgot to mention and is also awesome, and Wheel Of Fortune the tv show which is fun but sometimes the people on it are hella dumb.

RATING: 93%

Car Alarms

I don't know why people bother putting alarms in their cars, and I especially don't know why some twat would let his fucking car alarm go off for over an hour and not do anything about it. This one time I was sitting out front of Starbucks with this really old guy, and a car alarm started going off, so he stood up, fished his keys out of his pocket, hit a button and his car alarm started going off too. That was pretty funny, but this isn't funny at all. You know what is funny, though? "SHUT THE FUCK UP" dug into the hood of a beeping car with a screwdriver. I mean, it's not like anyone's coming, right?

RATING: Bad citizen%

(Image from cache.gawker.com.)

Vanishing Point

#34 on Glenn's Top 100 Movie List

As far as racing movies from the 70s go, Vanishing Point may be the weirdest and also best. The movie follows this driver, Kowalski, who has to drive a Dodge Challenger from Denver to San Francisco in basically a day and a half. So he starts going full speed, cops follow him, car chases, etc. What sets this movie apart from the rest is that it is full of all these bizarre mystical elements that are supposed to be representative of American culture, including a snake handler in the desert who helps him fix his car, a Radio DJ who turns him into a rebel celebrity, and a lot of flashbacks demonstrating the ways in which death has followed Kowalski his whole life. It's a great movie with a lot of great car chases, even if the snake handler gets eaten by some stupid hole in the ground (Spoilers).

RATING: 91%

Camaros

The reason we all love and admire Camaro drivers is because they serve as totems for our own pasts: we fondly remember the days when we too were as fast as the wind, six-cylinders roaring and rock-hard erections bulging from our acid wash jeans. (I’m assuming no female has ever owned or operated a Camaro.) Also, the Camaro transcends regional differences: simply change out the music genre blasting at a vulgar level from the tape deck. Lynyrd Skynyrd in the South and honky-tonk in Texas. Grunge out West and whatever bullshit music they listen to up North. Jazz, I’m guessing. Your cousin Anthony probably drove a Camaro before he went to prison.

Rating: 95%*

*There is a slight chance I accidentally reviewed Firebirds and not Camaros. If this is true then I say FUCK CAMAROS FIREBIRDS KICK ASS!

(Image from www.thirdgen.org. This review written by Viking Andrew.)

Driving

Driving is a convenient way to get around locally if you know how to do it. Sometimes you might even drive to a far away place like, say, Nashville, because it is way cheaper than flying. Well, even though it is kind of cool to see some scenery, driving for 13 hours really wipes you out especially if you eat Dairy Queen, which is not as good as you remember it being when you were a kid. In conclusion, if you drive for 13 hours you should not go to a bachelor party right after, because you will be no fun at all.

RATING: 73%

The Richardson Public

Unlike Austinites, who would stand around making fun of your cargo shorts and rolling their eyes at the gasping noises you made as you lay dying on the sidewalk, the people of Richardson are generally very helpful and friendly. Our car broke down outside Blockbuster today, and as we were trying to push it across the street to the garage a woman offered to watch our son in his stroller, four men in a truck got out to help us push, and another guy tried (unsuccessfully) to give us a boost. As we were pushing the car back from the garage, like the broke-ass Canadians we are, another man gave us another (successful) boost and we were able to drive our Japanese rust-bucket home. Richardson may look like one giant strip mall, but I'm very impressed with the kind folks who live here (except for the sketch-bag mechanics who we think messed with our brand new alternator while they were supposed to be fixing our air conditioning earlier today.)

RATING: People of Richardson 90%
Firestone Tire and Service Center 0%

(Image from www.tutorials.com.)

Richardson on the Hoof

In Stephen King's short story Trucks, a group of people are trapped in a diner by trucks and cars who have come to life and started killing people. It's a pretty stupid premise for a story. However, if those same trucks had retained their evil consciousness and designed a car-and-truck-friendly suburb with the torment and eventual death of humans in mind, it would have been Richardson, TX. None of the "walk" buttons at the intersections actually work. Streets routinely have both sidewalks torn up for maintenance that takes months to finish (and Mexicans driving backhoes swear at you if you try to sneak past them rather than walking out into 6 lanes of traffic). All the little roads between the major intersections lead to fenced off parking lots or gated housing communities plastered with NO TRESPASSING signs. It's a pedestrian's worst nightmare. Of course, as far I can tell I'm the only actual pedestrian out of 100,000 people, so I guess it serves me right.

RATING: 2%, but I'll add another 1% for every (intact, living) pedestrian I see in the next 7 days.

(Image from www.askville.amazon.com.)

My Car

Last February I made one of the best decisions in my life and purchased a Honda Civic Hybrid. It wasn't just a good decision because I get great gas mileage, but because I think it gives me the right to say whatever else I want when it comes to politics. It's the ultimate trump card. I mean, what are you actually doing to save America? Anyway, I also like this car because it looks like a regular Civic, which is great because then I'm not trying to show off in a Prius. That's just playing the trump card with no class. Yes, we all see how much of a martyr you are.

RATING: 89%