Boom!

No one else has mentioned it, so I guess it’s up to your good ol’ sports uterus to take the reins: John Madden has retired. Madden is best known for his sometimes bizarre but always entertaining color commentary during NFL games, his best-selling video game and his use of the telestrator. But he also won a Super Bowl with the Raiders before they became a grotesque joke. I’ll miss Madden; he’s pretty much the background noise to my childhood, and anytime I hear a bumbling, corpulent, superlative-heavy commentator, I’ll think sweetly on Madden’s eyebrows.

Rating: 97%

Dallas Cowboys

The Dallas Cowboys are a little ol' team in the NFL from (you guessed it) Dallas, Texas. It seems unfair to be a fan of a team that's won 5 Super Bowls, is the most valuable franchise in America (2nd in the Universe, folks), often goes by the nickname "America' Team", and is known for doing a lot of fucking drugs; but I manage. I really don't understand why people have anything against some good ol' boys just having a good time. But people hate teams that win, and that's a fact (but I hate the Yankees because they suck). Then again, it's also hard to be a fan of a team that hasn't won a playoff game since 1996. So, I think it's time for people to lay off the hate and shut the fuck up. I'm talking to you, Richard Justice.

RATING: 100%

PS - I expect Viking Andrew to follow-up with a second review of the Cowboys (but don't forget to link mine!).

Superbowl

Have you ever had a bowl of cereal or soup? Well, imagine if that bowl was way bigger, then it would be called a superbowl. Also, if instead of generic Captain Crunch with Crunchberries it held 95,000 people and two pro football teams and was broadcast worldwide and American society came to a halt whenever it happened once a year, then it would be called a Superbowl but with a capital 's.' I'm not one of those people who claims to hate the Superbowl, but I've never been able to care about the NFL as much as I care about college football, and that isn't very much to begin with. Football, to me, is about as representative of America as you can get: a lot of stupid people are fans of it, it's entertaining to watch, on the surface it appears to be about mindless violence, but deep down it's hopelessly complex and more about old white men behind the scenes stragegizing their way to victory than anything that happens on the actual field. Go Ravens!

RATING: 59%