The Sadness

 

Sorry I missed a day - I was too busy to watch any spooky movies. Well let me make up for it with this parade of brutality! A government mismanaged response to a pandemic (lol oops) and everybody gets a plague that turns them into murder and sex crazies. On Shudder they had a special warning about gore and violence that they never do (it’s Shudder ffs) if that gives you any idea about how off rails this movie is. 

RATING: 79%

Martyrs

Hey, do you like feeling good about yourself and life? If not, then this movie is for you. It is about the same thing every French horror movie post 2000 is about - horrible suffering and pain with no relief (although this one is actually about that, physically and philosophically). France is an interesting country because people from there will always talk about what awful savages Americans are but then they ban mosques from the whole country or make violent garbage like this where non-white girls get tortured to death. In conclusion France has the Louvre but remember that liking Western art is admitting complicity with imperialism you dumb duck!

RATING: TOOMUCHGRADSCHOOL%

(Alternate ending here)

Comic Three-In-One

Punisher: Long Cold Dark

Killing!

RATING: 86%





Star Trek Year Four: The Enterprise Experiment

Fun!

RATING: 11%





Daredevil Vol. 3: Wake Up

Bendis!

RATING: 73%

Malice

Not that I'd ever personally wish to harm anybody. I mean, big deal, so you took my stuffed bear dressed as Uncle Sam, I don't care. Like, it's a bunch of energy to actually go to your place at 1423 Richards, Apt. 4 and take the spare key out from under your disgusting doormat. Enough tragedy befalls everybody eventually anyway. For example, a lot of people have accidents in their homes, with kitchen knives? They might be clumsy and fall on them or something a couple times. So it's beneath me to even think about it. I have too many friends to hang out with, each of whom is capable of verifying my presence at whatever time or place we choose to share in our revelry. Also I hear random, unsolvable muggings-turned-homicides are up in your neighborhood. Be safe!

RATING: 49%

Fallout 3

Fallout 3 is an action/RPG type game that takes place in the ruins of Washington DC 200 years after World War III. The game is really complex and detailed, like you have to figure out clues for missions by reading people's diaries and shit, and also you can change the path of the game by being a jerk and stealing/killing people or being nice if you want. This game took me two months of pretty solid gameplay to beat, but after all the buildup and exploration of this massive environment with hundreds of engageable characters (but only like 5 voice actors unfortunately), the end was a total letdown. Oh well, I guess any game in which you have to steal the Declaration of Independence back from a robot dressed as founding father Button Gwinnett can't be all bad.

RATING: 76%

(Not to make Viking Andrew feel bad about his Red Ring Of Death)

That Noise

There it is again! Don't you hear it? It's kind of like a... you know, a thump, and then a growl, but not like an animal growl, like a machine growl, get it? Why can't they just shut up! Do you think it's a murder? Like a murderer is upstairs right now killing the neighbors? Maybe we'll get on television. Oh God, what if the murderer comes here next? Should I get the baseball bat? Do we even have a baseball bat? Now there's words! I definitely heard a word, an English word. Ugh, maybe they're having sex. On a Sunday afternoon? When it's not even raining? That's real polite. There could be kids outside. Jesus, they're definitely having sex. That's awful. Just disgusting. Wait, no, was that a glass clinking? Maybe it's their dishwasher clogging up, you don't hear it?

RATING: 38%

The Stonewall Riot

June 28, 1969:

Judy Garland dies. NYC police harass gay bar patrons one too many times. Drag queens lead gay riot that f**ks up Greenwich Village for several days.

Viva la revolution.

Rating: depends who you ask %

Image courtesy of The Boulevardier

This Video

FUCK SHIT UP!

RATING: 81%

This Video

FUCK SHIT UP!

RATING: 81%

Batman: No Man's Land Vol. 3

This volume of No Man's Land starts to get a little weak, although it is cool because it introduces Cassandra Cain as Batgirl. Cassandra Cain was raised by an assassin who forgot to teach her how to talk while he was teaching her how to be deadly. Instead of using words to talk, she speaks in violence, so when she wants to say hello she just punches your throat I guess. I'd hate to see her try to order lunch for the office am I right. Anyway, it's a cool idea but it was abandoned soon after NML and she just started to talk like it was nothing but at least she stayed Batgirl for 10 years, or in comic world time 3.5 weeks.

RATING: 66%

Supreme Power: Nighthawk

This miniseries is dedicated to Nightawk, the Supreme Power universe's analog of Batman, except he hates white people and also doesn't have the "no killing" clause. Also, I guess since Supreme Power was leaving Marvel's "Adult Label" to go PG-13, they decided to go out in... uh, style? In Batman comics, Joker might poison a bunch of people. and maybe we'll see some cleaned up corpses or whatever, but mainly it's gloves-on carnage. Here, an insane serial killer dressed up as a clown kills drug addicts, babies and kids with poison, who all vomit up blood, spasm, or shoot themselves in great detail. I don't really know if I can recommend it, but luckily I dodged the bullet since it was never collected in trade paperback and tracking down issues would probably be a real bitch unless you ask me to borrow them.

RATING:79% I guess.

Comic Three-In-One

Punisher: Man Of Stone

This is probably as good as Punisher stories get: the Punisher is lured to Afghanistan to battle a crazy Russian general, while the side characters, his "friends," philosophize about the nature of somebody who murders to atone for his family's ancient deaths, and also people getting shot in the face nonstop.

RATING: 91%

Ulimate Spider-man Vol. 7: Irresponsible

A crazy exchange student named Geldoff is blowing up cars to get chicks, and also Spidey gets yelled at by his aunt after Mary Jane tells him she loves him. It's a strong book but you're probably tired of me saying so.

RATING: 80%


Sandman Vol. 4: Season Of Mists

I hate to shortchange one of my favorite graphic novels of all time in this comic three in one, but what more can I say than Neil Gaiman has created in this volume the greatest fantasy story ever put to graphic form. When Dream goes to Hell to confront Lucifer, Lucifer just decides to give Dream the key to Hell and sets all its denizens free. Of course this is a real pickle and all kinds of gods from various pantheons decide to make their cases to Dream as to why he should give them Hell. Also, there's a great story in the middle of it all about how Earth deals with all of the damned being released back into the realm of the living. This is probably the best place to start with Sandman, so buy it or borrow it, take your pick.

RATING: 97%

Retractable Leads

Congratulations! You have just purchased enough rope for your dog to hang itself with. Literally. And while your beloved pet is causing egregious bodily harm to my person, you are five hundred yards away, using your iPhone to set up your next semi-anonymous sexual encounter.

Rating: 10% (points given for the glorious smell of your dog's shit on my front lawn).

This post by Viking Andrew.

(Image from www.petspantry.tv.)

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

I went to this movie looking for one thing and one thing only--to see lots of werewolves fighting vampires. I didn't (and still don't) care about the complicated back story, or the love story, or any of the "lore," and I didn't need this movie to change my life. All I wanted was to see some werewolves tearing apart some vampires and vice versa. And with that expectation in mind, I was not disappointed. With the exception of one particularly laughable angel sex* scene and spurts of talking that were really just there to move the plot onto the next fight, it was mostly fighting, and that suits me just fine.

Rating: 86% (Within the context of my expectations, mostly awarded for violence.)

*Angel sex is the term I use for those campy other worldly sex scenes that you find in movies. The best example comes from the movie Wall Street, where we see Charlie Sheen and Daryl Hannah acrobatically get it on silhouetted in front of a giant picture window overlooking the Manhattan skyline while Native American flute music plays in the background.