I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown

Rerun, Linus and Lucy’s little brother, wants to get a dog for Christmas. No one in Rerun’s family think he’s ready for the responsibility of pet ownership. Not even Snoopy or his brother Spike think Rerun can handle getting a dog. And that’s about it. Based on that paltry recap, you might think that I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown isn’t a very good special. But it’s probably the second-best Peanuts Christmas special, right after A Charlie Brown Christmas. And that’s mostly because it tells a straightforward story, rather than cobbling together a series of holiday themed vignettes. Sure, Rerun isn’t a particularly interesting or visually distinct character, but the special is a good introduction to him and to a number of Snoopy’s siblings. Also, spoiler alert, I think it’s commendable that the special doesn’t end with Rerun getting a dog for Christmas. A choice like that must have taken a lot of restraint.

Rating: Seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Dog Who Stopped the War

aka La guerre des tuques

Going into Christmas vacation, a group of kids decide to fill their free time with an all out snowball war. One faction builds an elaborate snow fort while the other side attempts to seize it. The war rages on every day from sunup to sundown. From the people who brought you The Peanut Butter Solution comes The Dog Who Stopped the War, another cherished Canadian children's film. Between the two movies, The Dog Who Stopped the War is probably remembered more fondly, since it's fairly straightforward and slightly less traumatic. While I wouldn't say that any of the children in the movie were particularly good actors, their characters were well defined and their uniforms were pretty funny.

Rating: 65%

(Image from IMDB)

Olive, the Other Reindeer

With Blitzen injured, Christmas is on the verge of being cancelled. But Olive, inspired by mishearing something said by Santa, sets off on an adventure to reach the North Pole and save Christmas. Along the way, Olive teaches everyone she meets a little something about the Christmas Spirit. Olive, the Other Reindeer isn't just an old Dad joke, it's also a children's book and a crudely animated TV special. The animation style is somewhere between Reboot and early South Park. It looks like something an ambitious child might have made. The voice cast features Drew Barrymore, Joe Pantoliano and Ed Asner alongside Dan Castellaneta, Tress MacNeille, Billy West, Tim Meadows and Michael Stipe. Yes, that Michael Stipe. 

Rating: Slippers%

(Image from Wikipedia)

A Christmas Story

While the Martins are in Capital City shopping for Christmas presents, Lassie pushes a little girl out of the path of an oncoming truck. The girl is saved but Lassie sustains some serious injuries. Dr. Weaver, reluctant to perform the necessary operation himself, suggests that only one man might be able to save Lassie. But the specialist, Dr. Watkins, cannot be reached. With Lassie injured, this particular episode of Lassie focuses mainly on Timmy and the rest of the Martin family. If you're a dog lover or an old softy like me, this episode will definitely tug at the heart strings. But don't worry folks, this isn't Dragnet, Lassie survives.

Rating: Gingerbread Santy Clauses%

The Invisible Enemy

On the way to their base on Titan, a shuttle crew is infected by a mysterious entity calling itself the Swarm. The infected crew begin preparing a breeding ground for the Swarm, so that it might begin its conquest over all other living things. When the TARDIS passes by, the Doctor is also infected. Only Leela appears to be immune to the Swarm's influence. The Invisible Enemy isn't a great story. It's not particularly original, as it seems to borrow elements of Genesis of the Daleks and The Ambassadors of Death. The serial's production value is a bit of a mixed bag as well. Most of the sets are well made but the costumes and visual effects are all pretty lackluster. The Invisible Enemy is notable, however, for the introduction of K9, a robotic dog companion. It doesn't take long for Leela and K9 to strike up a friendship and the scenes of the Fourth Doctor interacting with K9 as if it were a real, flesh and blood dog are pretty funny.

Rating: Some of my best friends are humans%

Cujo

 

A nice dog gets bit by a rabid bat and turns into a not so nice dog. Well I coulda guessed that, his name is Cujo! Oh, this movie/book established that name as the evil dog standard, oops. The movie has a sort of modern independent horror feel because most of it is a mother and her toddler stuck in a Pinto as they are terrorized by the dog. The kid is a really good actor too - instead of that cliche "mommy I'm scared" sorta thing he is just screaming and hysterical the whole time. Once I was nannying a kid and I heard a woman screaming for help so we walked over and a dog had chased her up on top of a car. Dogs are scary! But I probably shouldn't have walked over to help a screaming woman while holding a three year old even though everybody was ok in the end. Anyway even though he's a murderer you gotta feel bad for Cujo - it's not his fault his owners didn't get him a rabies shot after he got bit by a bat. 

RATING: 71%

The Shining

Creepshow

Benji's Very Own Christmas Story

I can remember liking Benji as a kid, but I'm not too sure what the attraction was. He can't talk. He doesn't have superpowers. I think he went scuba diving once. Aside from that, I'm at a loss. So, it was with that curiosity that I decided to watch Benji's Very Own Christmas Story. And now, I'm only left with more questions. Benji hardly does anything in the special. Most of the time we're following a creepy Kris Kringle and the helium voiced little people in his employ. They're not all little people though, they mix in quite a few children as well. All of whom are wearing ugly prosthetic ears, noses and mustaches, regardless of gender. Oh, and let's not forget about the culturally insensitive costumes and the children in blackface. So, in the end, no new insights into the Benji phenomenon were gleaned from watching this special.

Rating: A squeaky chew toy%

(Image from Ebay)

Enterprise S2E5 - "A Night In Sickbay"

Archer's dog gets sick (shoulda left him at home, pal!) so the captain mopes around sickbay all episode. Two thoughts: a) this crew spends a lotta time in their underwear and 2) sickbay is a pretty bad term when you think about it. What if we called hospitals "sickhouses" or cemeteries "corpseholes?"

RATING: 26%

Enterprise S1E13 - "Sleeping Dogs"

Our spacetronauts encounter a strange ship stranded in a gas giant, but wait a minute, to me that ship looks sorta Klingon so I bet this rescue mission doesn't go off without a hitch!

RATING: 56%

(photo from petyourdog.com)

Meddle

Meddle is a Pink Floyd album from 1971. Much like Obscured by Clouds, it's not one of Pink Floyd's more popular albums. Other than the opening track, "One of These Days," Meddle is a pretty mellow album. The closing track, "Echoes" (which may or may not sync up with the trippy space freak-out part of 2001: A Space Odyssey), is twenty-three minutes long and, on the vinyl version, takes up the album's entire B side. Also notable on the album is the song "Seamus," which features a howling dog.

Rating: 71%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Snuggie

The snuggie is a product advertised on the television while you watch quality programming. Basically, it's a blanket, in your choice of red, blue or green, with sleeves for asshats who can't handle being blanketed on the couch, talking on the phone with Anthony, and watching football at the same time. Don't worry, though. If you're just as incompetent but think you can fool people into thinking you're above buying from the home shopping network, there's a new snuggie for you: the "designer" snuggie comes in animal prints or the "classic camel." You could also buy a snuggie for your pet, but Dog the Bounty Hunter may pepperball your OxyContin-using couch potato ass for cruelty to animals.

Rating- You look like a douchebag%

(Image from vvoice.ve.llnwd.net.)

Retractable Leads

Congratulations! You have just purchased enough rope for your dog to hang itself with. Literally. And while your beloved pet is causing egregious bodily harm to my person, you are five hundred yards away, using your iPhone to set up your next semi-anonymous sexual encounter.

Rating: 10% (points given for the glorious smell of your dog's shit on my front lawn).

This post by Viking Andrew.

(Image from www.petspantry.tv.)

I Am Legend

Do you like depressing movies starring Will Smith? Well, apparently everybody does, since that's the only kind of movies he makes anymore. Anyway, I thought all my friends told me this movie blew, but it was alright mostly. The plot is 28 Days Later happens in New York, except Will Smith is some fancypants immune scientist. The first half of this movie is actually great, and Smith basically holds down the fort of being the only non-monster alive in New York by talking to his dog and mannequins. Then monsters start happening and it's not as good because the effects are terrible, but all the barren, lonely stuff is good so why not check it out if you like seeing New York get fucked up like apparently everybody does.

RATING: 61%

The Iditarod

In case you didn't read any novels by Jack London as a child the Iditarod is a wonderful 1,000 mile race throughout the diverse country of Alaska. I hate to rag on Alaska the way everyone else seems to these days, but this race isn't helping the cause. Neither is the new Discovery Channel reality show chronicling the toughest race on Earth. I don't hate the Iditarod because of some bullshit animal rights unless you consider being forced to learn about it in the name of public education abuse.

RATING: 21%