Night Breed

Hm I don't mean to quibble about what exactly makes a horror movie a horror movie, but this movie, where a cool dude dies and joins a cabal of cool undead monsters in a monster city seems more like a fantasy adventure? Although the monsters (who are good monsters) must unite to kill some bad cops and a serial killing David Cronenberg, and the latter is sorta horror I suppose. Anyway it's fun!

RATING: 65%

Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth

Whelp, things really went downhill fast. In this movie, released in 1992 as evidenced by the "dangerous youth" dressed in jean jackets, a "goth" club owner (but all they play is Motorhead???) gets the puzzle box and then Pinhead comes out oh no! Now he is more of a Freddy Kreuger comedy type mass murderer saying jokes when he kills people and also turning a DJ into a Cenobite that shoots CDs into people's faces. Cop cars explode on ill-lit city streets with all the cinematic quality of a Darkman sequel, and I can't believe I've committed to watching six more of these shits.

RATING: 31%

Hellbound: Hellraiser II

This is one of those rare sequels that is if you ask me way better than the original. The color palette and cinematography are still kinda bland, but we frequently are treated to bizarre and terrifying imagery as we enter the Cenobite's dimension, like a clown juggling his own eyeballs par example. The plot is some people want to get to this horrible pain dimension because WHY NOT? Again Pinhead and his pallies show up to save the day after they're convinced that it's a good idea to feel feelings. Speaking of feelings, I have one that the series is all downhill from here, but we shall see!

RATING: 68%

Hellraiser

This movie is about a magical box that whisks its users away to a fanciful dimension where pleasure is pain and pain is pleasure and gumdrops are, like, scarabs I guess and rainbows are the screams of a thousand dying soldiers. A girl's uncle gets the box and then these painlovers, cenobites, rip him apart with some chains but he manages to escape and needs fresh blood to get his body to not just be guts or whathaveyou so he gets his lover/brother's wife to kill people for him. Eventually (practically the whole movie later) the cover dude, Pinhead, and his cenobite pals show up and save the day. I had this movie as a kid on one of those bargain cassettes where the movie would be recorded in EP to save the company money so I always thought it was bland and boring as a result of the tape quality, but to be honest it was kind of bland and boring even in hi-def. A+ for mythos building, D+ for execution.

RATING: 58%