Black Christmas

Just before Christmas break, a group of sorority sisters start receiving obscene phone calls. After one of the sisters taunts the caller, he threatens to kill her. The caller then breaks into the sorority house and begins to pick off the residents one by one. Bob Clark's Black Christmas is often considered to be one of earliest slasher films. Whether you agree with that or not is a matter of taste, but the use of POV shots and the creative kills certainly put Black Christmas into the conversation. While it's unclear where the movie is supposed to be taking place, the scenery and the majority of the accents are unmistakably Canadian. Black Christmas can be a little slow at times, but the atmosphere and the bleak ending are very well done. Watching it now, it's clear that Black Christmas inspired quite a few of the slasher films that followed in its wake.

Rating: 72%

Fun Fact: Art Hindle, who played Clare's boyfriend Chris, was also in The Brood.

(Image from Wikipedia)

White Christmas

I’m not a big fan of musicals. I never have been and probably never will be. I can appreciate the craftsmanship of the performances. There is certainly plenty of talent on display in movies like White Christmas, even though it does little for me. It’s not the artifice of the song and dance numbers that bother me. I don’t need movies to be realistic in order to enjoy them. Often, and especially with White Christmas, my problem is all that singing and dancing delays the narrative. The first 45 minutes of White Christmas are fun and breezy. We move from WWII to Broadway to Florida to Vermont. We’re introduced to all the important characters and the crux of the plot is established. And then things slow way down. The hour and fifteen minutes that follow are overstuffed with big, showy musical numbers. Again, all the talent on display is impressive, but my interest in the movie dissipates with every new routine. White Christmas is really a mixed bag for me, I love the “let’s put on a show” storyline but there are just too many performances in the movie to keep my interest.

Rating: 64%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Christmas Story

Step by Step ran for seven seasons, from 1991 to 1998. It was made by some of the same people that made Family Matters, Steve Urkel even made an appearance on Step by Step's second episode. It was another big, broad 90s sitcom with a big cast. It had the same setup as the Brady Bunch, two single parents marry and form a large blended family. The show's breakout character was Cody, a goofy stoner/surfer-type with endless hidden skills and a stealthy wisdom beyond his years. In "Christmas Story," Frank and Carol (played by TV veterans Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers) realize on Christmas Eve that they've forgotten to pick up some important presents for their kids. Frank, a contractor, just so happens to have the keys to a toy store he's remodeling, so he and Carol let themselves in "with intent to purchase." Unfortunately for them, they're arrested by Deputy Feif (played by special guest star Don Knotts, in a not-so-subtle homage to his character on the Andy Griffith Show). Back at home, the kids are so consumed with opening presents that they don't even notice that their parents are missing. Thankfully, Cody is there to teach everyone an important lesson about the true meaning of Christmas.

Rating: Fried Chicken%

Fun Fact: Suzanne Somers and Don Knotts were both on Three's Company.

The Little Drummer Boy, Book II

As far as Rankin/Bass specials go, the original Little Drummer Boy special was both straightforward and coherent. The sequel, not so much. The Little Drummer Boy, Book II picks up where the first special ended. Aaron, the titular drummer boy, joins Melchior on a quest to find Simeon, a bell maker. Simeon has crafted silver bells, meant to be rung to announce the birth of Christ. Before Aaron and Melchior reach Simeon, the bells are stolen by some greedy Roman tax collectors. Will Aaron and his friends be able to get the bells back in time to announce the birth of our Lord and savior? Isn't it weird that the little drummer boy is named Aaron? I mean, I know this is all based off of a song from the 1940s, but don't you think they could have come up with a more convincing name? The kid grew up in the desert for Pete's sake.

Rating: Silver Bells%

(Image from IMDB)

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Urkel

Since our last Christmas with the Winslows, the opening credits of Family Matters has gone from nine to ten credited actors. In season four, the underappreciated Waldo Geraldo Faldo was bumped up to the main cast, although he does not appear in this episode. Telma Hopkins, who played Aunt Rachel, would no longer be a full-time cast member after season four, though she would still return to the show from time to time. Judy Winslow, played by Jaimee Foxworth, would be written off the show after season four. And, like Chuck Cunningham, Judy would never really be mentioned again. Even though I feel bad for the actor, it's hardly surprising that they would drop Judy from the cast. She appears at the beginning and end of the episode, but she doesn't have any lines. With Richie getting all of the precocious kid material, there's really nothing left for Judy. "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Urkel" takes a page from the It's a Wonderful Life playbook. Laura gets a visit from her guardian angel after she hurts Steve's feelings for the millionth time. Tyrone, her angel, shows Laura what it would be like if her and Steve's roles were reversed. In the angel's vision, Steve becomes Steve Winslow while Laura becomes the nerdy neighbor Laura Urkel. Tyrone gives Laura the chance to go back and be nicer to Steve, resulting in her inviting Steve to spend Christmas Eve with the Winslows. It's not groundbreaking television by any means, but Kellie Shanygne Williams does a great job in nerd form.

Rating: Crystal Vase%

Frosty Returns

Frosty Returns isn't really a Christmas Special. It's some hippy-dippy bait-and-switch environmentalist propaganda bullshit. It's also not very good. It looks good and it has a great voice cast but that's about it. And, as much as I like John Goodman (he's in at least two of my favorite movies), he really has no business singing. I haven't really liked any of the Frosty specials so far, so I probably shouldn't have been surprised that I didn't end up liking Frosty Returns.

Rating: Yellow Snow%

(Image from IMDB)

It's a Wonderful Leaf

Even supervillains have to shop. Unfortunately, the shitty shoppers of St. Canard prove to be too much for Bushroot to bare and he decides to ruin Christmas for everyone. Using his plant-based powers, Bushroot amasses an army of Christmas trees to carry out his pernicious plans. Step one: cause chaos at the mall. Step two: steal everyone's presents. Only one thing stands in Bushroot's way, the daring do-gooder Darkwing Duck. Ever since I got Disney+, I've really been enjoying revisiting some of the classic Disney Afternoon shows. I think Darwking Duck holds up particularly well. Something tells me that Bonkers and Goof Troop might not have aged as gracefully though.

Rating: Sled%

(Image from IAD)

Alpha's Magical Christmas

It's Christmas time at the Command Center and Alpha 5 is feeling sad. He misses his best friends, the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. To cheer Alpha up, Zordon teleports a bunch of children to the Command Center to sing songs, bake cookies and help decorate for Christmas. What the fuck am I talking about? Why it's Alpha's Magical Christmas, the direct to video Christmas special featuring Alpha 5, everyone's favorite spastic robot. I was a little too old for Power Rangers when they first hit in North America. I thought the show was weird and cheap looking. I could understand the appeal of the Power Rangers but it was never anything that really stayed with me. I didn't even know that Alpha's Magical Christmas existed up until a year ago. It has a lot in common with We Wish You a Turtle Christmas, because it too is terrible. It's jam packed with Christmas songs sung by a children's choir and it is shot in the softest of soft focus. It's softer than the softest Uhura closeup.

Rating: Rollerblades%

(Image from RangerWiki)

Silent Night

Someday we'll look back on the era of horror movies from the early 2000s and 2010s and we'll have name for it. Like Film Noir, we'll find some snappy label for the look and tropes of the genre. Silent Night will definitely be a part of that yet-to-be-named genre. It's got all the hallmarks: shaky handheld camera work, a desaturated color palette, CGI blood, a nu metal soundtrack, and it gets bonus points for being a remake. It's not, however, a straightforward remake of Silent Night, Deadly Night, even though it takes a few things directly from the original. Silent Night is a movie about small town cops trying to stop a sadistic serial killer in a Santa suit. It's kind of like if Rob Zombie remade Fargo. It's competently made and there are at least 3 recognizable/credible actors in it. Most notably it features Malcolm McDowell playing the Sheriff of a small Wisconsin town for some reason. It's technically better than any of the other Silent Night, Deadly Night films, but I would sooner go back to watch a crazy piece of shit like The Toy Maker than the lukewarm bore that is Silent Night.

Rating: 54%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Visions of Deadly Nights Past:

Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five

Guess Who's Coming to Christmas

It's Christmas Eve in Milwaukee and Mr. C has laid down the law. There'll be no friends or guests in the Cunningham home for the holidays. It'll just be the family. Trimming the tree, making popcorn and drinking warm apple cider by the fire. But on his way home from the hardware store, Richie beings to suspect that Fonzie is going to be all alone for Christmas. Sure, the Fonz puts up a cool front. He regales anyone who asks about the family celebration waiting for him in Waukesha. But the truth is, he has nowhere to go. And if you think that the Fonz ends up spending the holiday alone, it's possible that you've never seen a TV show before. "Guess Who's Coming to Christmas" aired during the second season of Happy Days, when the show's ratings were in decline and it was in danger of being cancelled. For the following season, the show was restructured and Fonzie became a much more prominent character. The show would go on to run for eleven seasons, spawning several spin-offs.

Rating: A Three in One Wrench%

Fun Fact: "Guess Who's Coming to Christmas" features the final appearance of Chuck Cunningham, Richie's older brother. I've only ever seen a couple of episodes of Happy Days that featured Chuck. He liked playing basketball and he wasn't very smart. I'm really not sure if there was more to him than that.

Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself

I've never lived in a trailer park. I've also never been to jail. And yet despite that, there's something so familiar and nostalgic to me about Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself. Maybe it's the soft focus of the early 2000s digital video, which gives everything a warm, gauzy sheen. Maybe it's the fact that I've lived in Nova Scotia for most of my life and I don't find the characters on Trailer Park Boys to be all that exaggerated. I can still remember when I first heard about the show and the rush of pride I felt as it started to find an audience outside of the Maritimes. Over the years, I was lucky enough to meet a few members of the cast in real life. I even got to speak with John Dunsworth a few times before he passed away. On several occasions, I got to watch people recognize him in public and see him turn into Mr. Lahey for them. You've never seen people smile so enthusiastically as they were being told to fuck off.

Rating: Weed and Hash%

(Image from Amazon)

The Night of the Meek

After showing up late and drunk, Henry Corwin gets fired from his job as a department store Santa. On his way home, he comes across a large sack. At first, it appears to be full of garbage. But, upon closer inspection, it turns out that the sack is actually full of presents. Overjoyed, Henry starts handing out gifts to all those in need. From the winos in the mission house to the poor children on the street. All Henry needs to do is reach into the bag and out comes whatever the recipient desires most. Despite being an episode of The Twilight Zone, there's no ironic twist to the story. Henry is briefly arrested, as it's assumed that the presents are stolen, but even the cops are quick to agree that the mysterious sack is supernatural in origin. The episode ends neatly and sweetly. "The Night of the Meek" is both thoughtfully existential and earnestly straightforward. It has a lot in common with Ziggy's Gift and Ernest Saves Christmas, both of which I love. I can't imagine that "Night of the Meek" shows up on a lot of Twilight Zone Top Ten lists, but I still found it to be a charming curiosity.

Rating: A Pipe and a Smoking Jacket%

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids will always hold a special place in my heart. Growing up in Canada and being obsessed with Ghostbusters meant that I was predisposed to love any movie featuring Rick Moranis. Couple that with the fact that the movie was accompanied by an original Roger Rabbit cartoon, it was like Disney was marketing the movie directly to me. And, as if that weren't enough, not long after the movie came out, my family and I went to Disney World. There, in what was then known as MGM Studios, my Sister and I were picked out of the crowd and given the opportunity to ride the giant bee prop used in the film. They filmed us riding the bee to demonstrate how the actors were incorporated into the flying sequence. We were supposed to act scared but the two of us were smiling ear to ear in the footage. It remains one of my most cherished memories of that trip. Watching the movie again as an adult brought back a lot of those warm nostalgic feelings, but I would hesitate to say that the movie is a classic. The effects hold up pretty well and the performances are all good, but the characters are very boilerplate. I was amused to discover that, much like Monster Squad, the movie contains a troubled marriage subplot that did not, in any way, register with me when I watched it as a child.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Incredible Shrinking Man

Scott Carey was a typical man, living out the 1950s equivalent of the American Dream. But after a chance encounter with a mysterious fog bank, he begins to shrink. At first, no one believes him. Before long, his diminishing size becomes undeniable. Scientists struggle to understand his condition, working feverishly to find a cure. Scott's dwindling size begins to put stress on his marriage. No longer able to work, his attempts to cash in on his infamy only lead to intense public and media scrutiny. He withdraws further and further into himself as he shrinks, taking out his frustration on his wife. Then one day she accidentally leaves the front door open and Butch, the family cat, gets into the house and begins to hunt Scott like it would a mouse. Barely escaping the cat, Scott is then trapped in his cellar, where his life and death struggles truly begin. Even though I don't think Scott is a particularly sympathetic character (he's a chauvinist who comes really close to cheating on his wife at one point in the movie) he has the pathos of a film noir character. He narrates the film, mythologizing his journey along the way. The Incredible Shrinking Man actually has a surprising amount of depth. I can see how the themes of the movie could be interpreted in a number of ways. It can be enjoyed easily enough on a surface level, but I'm also willing to bet that there are some Men's Rights Activists out there praising the movie and using it to justify all sorts of repugnant shit.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)

House on Haunted Hill

Five strangers are invited to a party in a haunted house by an eccentric millionaire. Each guest is promised $10,000, if they can survive the night. Are there really ghosts closing in on the partygoers or is their host... a murderer? I can see how William Castle's House on Haunted Hill might have been successful back in the 1950s. One of the film's original in-theatre gimmicks involved flying a plastic skeleton over the audience. To modern audiences, the movie will probably feel a little stiff and stagey, almost like it was the film adaptation of a radio drama. However, if you're the type of person who could go for a movie where Vincent Price sneaks around the Scooby-Doo hallways of an old dark house while dramatic thunder and lightning goes off, then this movie is for you.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

StageFright

After escaping from a psychiatric hospital, a mass murderer follows a struggling actress back to her rehearsal. With an opening only days away, the director of the production coerces some of the cast and crew into working overtime. To keep his actors from leaving, he locks the theatre and has an underling hide the key, unknowingly locking the killer inside as well. Donning the costume of the Night Owl, the maniac silently stalks the trapped troupe. StageFright is a fairly by-the-numbers slasher. It's a little late to the game, but it's well made and surprisingly gory at times. The killer's costume is decent, despite being borderline ridiculous. It's an entertaining enough movie, but it's not exactly re-inventing the wheel.

Rating: 68%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Channel Zero - No End House

Some college kids visit a traveling haunted house where apparently each room is scarier than the last and if you go past like room eight nobody ever sees you again! That's basically the creepypasta there, but you need more for six episodes so there's some good stuff about grief and some monsters who eat pomegranate memories.

RATING: 88%

Revenge of the Creature

The Creature from the Black Lagoon is captured and taken to Florida, where it's put on display at an aquarium. After a few weeks of being gawked at by yokels and prodded by scientists, the Creature breaks its chains and goes on an old fashioned killing spree. Who could have ever seen that coming? The Creature also kidnaps the pretty lady scientist who'd been studying it. From there, it's up to our man Clete (yes, his first name is Clete) to rescue the girl and get his own revenge on the Creature. Released the year after The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Revenge feels like a bit of a rush job. There's some recycled footage from the first movie in it and a few of the underwater scenes look like they were filmed in a hotel pool. But despite having been mocked on Mystery Science Theater 3000, it's not all bad. While it's definitely a step down in quality from the original film, it still has some charm.

Rating: 55%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Langoliers

A buncha disparate strangers including, you guessed it, an author wake up in the middle of their cross country flight to find that most of the passengers and crew and people of Earth have vanished. Luckily one of them is a deadheading pilot so he decides to set the plane down in, you guessed it, Bangor Maine to figure stuff out. Turns out they're out of sync with time and are about to be eaten by these little Pac Men creatures who clean up the past. I remember watching this as a kid and busting out laughing at how bad the CG was for the titular monsters was but figured maybe I'd be cooler with it now since even a lot of what I considered "good" CG in the 90s looks ridiculous in 2021 but no, this is still incredibly laughable. 

RATING: 31%

Killdozer

A meteorite crashes down on an island off the coast of Africa. After an unspecified amount of time, a construction crew happens upon the meteorite while working on the island. When the crew's bulldozer moves the meteorite, it emits a strange blue light, killing one of the workers. Then the bulldozer begins to operate on its own. And it seems to have a taste for blood. One by one, the crew are hunted down and killed by the machine, which is about as ridiculous as it sounds. This made for TV movie doesn't break any new ground. (Get it? It's a construction joke. No? OK, I'll see myself out.) It's basically Duel meets The Car. It's a mini Maximum Overdrive, if you will. It's an interesting artifact from a bygone era, but it's also something you've probably seen done better elsewhere.

Rating: 53%

(Image from YouTube)

DOOM Eternal

I'm not sure if I can call this game (or any Doom really) a horror game. Sure, the plot is about Hell demons taking over Earth and you're tearing zombies apart with your bare hands, but it feels more like the video game personification of a metal album. Still extremely fun even if there's one super frustrating boss.

RATING: 73%

Terror Train

Three years after an initiation prank went too far, some fraternity brothers decide to throw a New Year's Eve party on a train. Because, according to movies, this was something that people did. What they don't know is that they're not alone. Of course, they were never actually going to be alone alone on the train. It's not like these kids were going to conductor school, they're pre-med students. What I mean to say is that someone has crashed their party. Someone who just might have something to do with the prank that I mentioned earlier. Released the same year as Friday the 13th and Prom Night, Terror Train is part of the first wave of post-Halloween slashers. Setting the action on a moving train gives the film a claustrophobic tone. And even though the movie isn't shot or scripted well enough to be a proper whodunnit, Terror Train is still a must-see for fans of classic slashers.

Rating: 67%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Haunting of Hill House

Another spooky horror show is this ghosty adaptation of Shirley Jackson's classic book. It's got some sad parts and some scary parts and some long single shot parts where everybody better know all their dang lines. Come for the scares, stay for the feels, and also stay for the hidden ghosts.

RATING: 88%

Jaws: The Revenge

To take her mind off the pain of losing her youngest son, Ellen Brody travels to the Bahamas to spend time with her family. She becomes convinced that the shark who killed her son has followed her to the Bahamas to take revenge on the rest of the Brody family. And even though everyone around is her is 100% in the right to think she's losing her mind, the shark has actually followed her and does make some attempts to kill the rest of her family. The whole thing is kinda stupid. It might have been better if it had been a TV movie. Jaws: The Revenge really had no business trying to be a summer horror movie. It's a movie about generational trauma and grief. There's nothing particularly fun or sexy about that. But, perhaps, worst of all is the fact that the shark in the movie looks terrible. It looks like a wet cigar awkwardly gliding through the water. It's laughably bad.

Rating: 54%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Dolores Claiborne

A fancy New York City writer has to return home to, you guessed it, rural Maine whenever her mother is accused of murder. Well, no biggie, I'm sure everybody's parents have been accused of murder at least once, except this is the (gasp) second time she's been accused of murder, ulp! The first was when her mother was accused but never charged of killing her abusive husband when the fancy writer was just a little girl. This is one a those non-horror Stephen King movies and it's pretty good thanks to Kathy Bates, though the overwrought Danny Elfman score almost ruins it.

RATING:  77%

Cat People

Oliver and Irena meet one day at the zoo. Their chance encounter by the panther cage soon blossoms into romance. Before long, they're married. But all is not well for the newlyweds. Irena is troubled. Something from her past is haunting her. A terrible secret that begins to drive a wedge between Irena and her husband. Something that no one else could possibly understand. Something that could kill them all. Cat People might be the classiest horror movie I've ever seen. It's practically not even a horror movie. If it weren't for the fact that a woman transforms into a panther and kills people, it would almost be film noir. It's a fantastic looking movie, 1940s styles and designs drenched in expressionistic shadows. It's a slow burn but it has atmosphere up the wazoo.

Rating: 71%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Layers of Fear 2

The first Layers of Fear was a terrifying blast, so of course I leapt at the chance to get the sequel (when it was on sale for five bucks cuz I'm a video game cheapskate). It's more of the same sorta surreal goofin I loved from the first one, but it's nowhere near as scary. I dunno if that's because I played this one on XBox and the first one on PC (something about slouching in front of a small screen vs relaxing in front of the big TV), or maybe it's just not as good. But hey, it's got Tony Todd!

RATING: 61%

Spookies

Spookies, like so many other terrible horror movies, has a cult following. It might have something to do with the long-held belief that Spookies had actually been assembled from two separate, unfinished movies. The truth, much like the movie, is far less interesting. Spookies started out as a haunted house movie called Twisted Souls. At some point during the editing stage, it was decided that a significant portion of the movie would be reshot and the plot of the movie would be made far less coherent. The final product combines the haunted house footage with a storyline about a wizard (?) who is killing people to keep his bride alive. To give credit where credit's due, the movie is jam packed with practical special effects. They're kinda hokey for the most part though, almost like they're from a lower budget Full Moon Features flick. Mercifully, the movie is only 85 minutes long.

Rating: 49%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Channel Zero - Candle Cove

The premise of this show is that each season is based off of some old creepypasta. Sounds terrible, but this show is amazing. The first season centers around a creepypasta I remember from the early or mid 2000s about a mysterious kid show broadcast that maybe or maybe not was real, and also a monster made of teeth. Adding to the whole eerie atmosphere is the fact that they shoot the show in Manitoba which is like some weird simulacrum of western society. 

RATING: 83%

The Revenge of Frankenstein

Having escaped the guillotine, Baron Frankenstein sets up shop in a new town under an alias. The arrival of an eager pupil allows him to expand the scope of his experiments. And soon enough, another creature is born. But what starts out as an advancement in science quickly becomes another threat to all mankind. The Revenge of Frankenstein is definitely a step down in quality from its predecessor. The new creature isn't anywhere near as effective or iconic as Christopher Lee's monster in The Curse of Frankenstein and the sequel's bare bones story isn't very compelling either. However, Peter Cushing's performance as Baron Frankenstein is top notch once again. He carries these films.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Mangler

 An industrial laundry press starts getting an appetite for low wage workers, but inspectors can't shut it down because the boss of the laundry factory (Robert Englund) is loaded. I mean loaded with money not booze. Luckily local detective Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs is on the case, with his spooky brother in law as a sidekick. When I was a kid watching this I always thought when the machine gets up and chases the characters near the end the CGI was really hokey, but now that it's a quarter century old I can forgive it I guess. The rest of the movie isn't that interesting even though it's directed by Tobe Hooper, though where else are you gonna see a showdown with a laundry press? Well, except for this movie's sequels I mean.

RATING: 54%

The Premature Burial

The first two films in Roger Corman's Poe cycle had been moneymakers for American International Pictures (AIP), but a dispute over the profits prompted Corman to go independent for The Premature Burial. Leaving AIP meant that Corman couldn't use Vincent Price, so Ray Milland was cast in the lead role. As the story goes, the heads of AIP came to set on the first day of shooting to wish Corman well and to let him know that they had bought out his financiers, putting his film back under the AIP umbrella. The Premature Burial is stylistically similar to Corman's previous Poe pictures: lots of fog, a suspenseful score and the expressive use of colors. Ray Milland is quite good in the lead role, it's honestly hard to picture Vincent Price playing the part. The movie has a nice slow build and a great third act.

Rating: 68%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Resident Evil VII: Biohazard

You hear from your long vanished wife that she's being held captive and wants you to rescue her so you head on up to a dilapidated abandoned mansion deep in the Louisiana Bayou. If that wasn't creepy enough, you better believe it's chock full a some Texas Chainsaw family loving crazies who want to kill and or befriend you! It's fun and creepy but I really think there must be more than seven (er, VII) of these Evil Residents at this point in time.

RATING: 74%

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

Freddy's Dead is the Scary Movie of the Elm Street series. Everything in the movie is a joke. Each kill sequence is packed with big Looney Tunes gags. There's virtually no atmosphere or suspense in the film. It's pretty much just comedy and violence. And additional back story. We can't forget about that. This time around, it turns out that Freddy was once a family man with a wife and a daughter. And when the parents of Springwood killed Freddy, he was granted his powers by dream demons. Because somebody felt that part of it needed to be explained. The Nineties was a tough time for horror movies.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Shawshank Redemption

In this, everybody who doesn't like horror movies' favorite Stephen King movie, a dude goes to jail for a crime he didn't commit and learns a thing or two about life and love and friendship and whatnot. How come if every single person in the whole country knows prisons are cruel places we never really get any sort of prison reform off the ground? Morgan Freeman obviously steals the show in this one but everyone's great. And sorry this isn't a "horror movie" but it would be horrorble to be sentenced to life in prison for a crime you didn't commit.

RATING: 89%

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

Despite being gunned down by cops and falling into a mine shaft, Michael Myers manages to elude death at the end of Halloween 4. In a series of events that no one could have possibly predicted, Michael silently crawls away to the safety of a hobo's shack. There, he receives the best possible health care a hobo could offer. A full year passes before Michael wakes up and gets back to doing what he does best. Only Dr. Loomis and Michael's niece Jamie are willing to believe that Michael has returned, while everyone else in Haddonfield has gone back to doubting them. Two things really stood out to me while watching Halloween 5 this time around: the mask and the music in the movie are terrible. I'm pretty sure that they've used a different mask in every one of the movies so far, but the mask in Halloween 5 is distractingly bad. The movie's score is really weak as well. The iconic Halloween theme is barely used and there are a number of moments where Michael emerges from the shadows in complete silence. Part of what makes these movies work is the way the score is used to ratchet up the tension. I guess nobody bothered to tell Alan Howarth that. Halloween 5 ends with Michael Myers being broken out of jail by a mysterious man in black. Surely we can all agree that this surprising turn of events will lead to another exciting and enjoyable installment in this series.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Carrie (The Book)

I figured after watching three adaptations of this, Stephen King's first novel, I oughtta maybe give it a read. You all know the deal - a high school girl who is bullied winds up gearing telekinetic powers and kills everyone RIP. Maybe what you didn't know is in the book she kills like everyone everyone. The whole town of 500 people wind up dead! Also the book is half epistolary which is kinda cool.

RATING: 71%

Critters 4

In the year 2045, the crew of a deep space salvage ship pick up a mysterious, drifting pod. Its contents: a bumbling bounty hunter from Earth and the last two remaining Critter eggs. After the eggs hatch, it's anyone's guess as to what will kill the crew first: the Critters, a decaying nuclear reactor, or the shady mega-corporation that will stop at nothing to acquire the Critters. Filmed back-to-back with Critters 3, Critters 4 definitely has some low budget stink on it. What ultimately saves the movie is the acting talent on hand. The small cast includes a few ringers, like Brad Dourif and Angela Bassett. The sets and production design are also very well done. Unfortunately, there just isn't enough Critter action in the movie. The eggs don't hatch until a third of the way through the movie and there's rarely more than two Critters on the screen at any time.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Pinterest)

Layers of Fear

 

For the past decade or whatever I've mainly been chiming in here to review a movie or 15 at Halloween season. Well there's other scary things out there too like for example video games. In this one you play a maybe alcoholic composer who's going craaaaaaazy. It's one a those walking simulator type video games where you don't really have much to do, but it's real spooky and surreal so give it a shot why not?

RATING: 81%

Prom Night III: The Last Kiss

Prom Night III is essentially a toothless, gender-swapped parody of Prom Night II. In Prom Night III: The Last Kiss, the ghost of Mary Lou Maloney haunts a high school student named Alex. Setting off a string of spooky murders, which put a real damper on Alex's relationship with his milquetoast girlfriend. Whereas, in Prom Night II, the ghost of Mary Lou Maloney haunted a high school student named Vicki. Which set off a string of spooky murders that put a real damper on Vicki's relationship with her milquetoast boyfriend. Of the two, Prom Night II is easily the better film. That's not to suggest that it is in any way a good movie, but at least it has the decency to be batshit-insane. Prom Night III is more like a direct to video American Pie sequel. It's cheap, winking, horndog goofery.

Rating: 49%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Stand

The government fails to stop the spread of a lethal flu virus (uh oh) and soon 99% of everybody is a rotting corpse on the side of the road. The survivors get some dreams transmitted into their heads about a nice old lady in a cornfield and a mean dude who can turn into a crow, so they all start trekking across the country and teaming up. There is a poet who is a real jerk (surprise surprise) and it is funny when he gives the woman he stalks a copy of his latest publication "that only pays in contributor copies." Hey, too real dude! For a six hour network television adaptation of a six zillion page novel it's pretty good, even with the most literal deus ex machina ending you'll ever see. 

RATING: 78%

Leprechaun 2

Leprechaun 2 was the last of the Warwick Davis Leprechaun films to be released in theaters. Not surprising really, as it's a very cheap looking film. It seems ready-made for VHS. Watching the movie at any higher resolution doesn't do it any favors. There's also nothing connecting Leprechaun 2 to the original film, other than the fact that Warwick Davis is essentially playing the same character in both movies. The Leprechaun in Leprechaun 2 doesn't even have the same weakness as the Leprechaun in the original. In the first film, the Leprechaun could only be harmed by a four-leaf clover. In Leprechaun 2, the Leprechaun's only weakness is wrought iron. Even though it's pointless to expect a horror franchise to maintain its continuity over time, it's clear that the people behind Leprechaun 2 didn't make any effort to connect the film to its predecessor.

Rating: 53%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Tremors

The isolated town of Perfection, Nevada is besieged by graboids, deadly underground worm monsters with a taste for human flesh. With help out of reach, a group of scrappy locals must band together to fight off the subterranean terrors. Tremors takes an old timey B-movie premise, amps up the action and throws in some top-notch practical effects. It's a well shot, well paced and especially well cast movie. It's also a lot of fun. Did it need to be followed by six sequels? No, probably not.

Rating: 75%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Android Invasion

The TARDIS arrives in the woods, just outside of a small town in the English countryside. At first, Sarah is excited to be back on Earth in her own time, but all is not as it seems. What she and the Doctor first thought was the town of Devesham turns out to be a training ground for... dun dun duuun... The Android Invasion. Now, when it comes to watching Doctor Who, I'm not one to get too hung up on plot holes. That said, I can understand why fans seem to have conflicted feelings about this serial. It doesn't really hold up to scrutiny when you stop and think about it. The ending is a little too hasty, leaving at least one major plot line unresolved. However, I personally enjoyed watching this story. The first half of the serial is a good slow burn and even when the writing isn't up to par, any pairing of the Fourth Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith is still worth watching.

Rating: I feel disorientated%

Pyramids of Mars

There's a great scene between Sarah Jane Smith and the Doctor at the beginning of Pyramids of Mars. Sarah is excited to be returning home, while the Doctor is in a melancholy mood. "The Earth isn't my home, Sarah. I'm a Time Lord," he tells her. Tom Baker has said in interviews that one of the key aspects of his portrayal of the Doctor was embracing the Doctor's alien side. It gave him a lot of freedom. And by this point in his run on the show, the character has never seemed more alien. The Doctor goes on to complain that he's fed up running "around after the Brigadier." But before Sarah can offer a retort, there's an explosion in the TARDIS. When the smoke clears, Sarah and the Doctor find themselves in a priory that once stood on the grounds where the UNIT HQ would eventually be built. The year is 1911 and a powerful being known as Sutekh is using zombies and robot mummies to build a rocket to free himself from a pyramid on the planet Mars. Sutekh, who looks a bit like Omega from The Three Doctors, isn't in the story very much but definitely makes the most of his limited screen time. The serial moves at a brisk pace and has a fun, gothic tone. Pyramids of Mars is easily one of the best of the early Fourth Doctor stories.

Rating: Time is my business%

Planet of Evil

A distress call brings the Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith to Zeta Minor, a planet on the edge of the known universe. A scientific expedition on the planet has suffered several casualties at the hands of unseen forces. When a military ship arrives to retrieve the scientists, the Doctor is blamed for the killings. Meanwhile, after prolonged exposure to anti-matter, the expedition's lead scientist has begun to change in unpredictable ways. Planet of Evil is, unfortunately, a real mixed bag. While I love the design of the planet itself, everything else in the serial is pretty bad. The creature design, which cribs a bit from Forbidden Planet, leaves a little to be desired. The military ship looks like a cross between an upside down Enterprise and a dust buster. And the costumes in this serial are terrible across the board. I'm accustomed to forgiving the show for its cheapness, but this serial proved to be a bit of a slog.

Rating: Not guilty%

Piranha

Piranha isn't trying to hide the fact that it's a Jaws rip-off. Just one look at the poster and it's undeniable. Having said that, other than the poster and the basic premise of killer fish, Piranha doesn't really take all that much from Jaws. It doesn't feature any sharks, stock footage or bootleg John Williams sound cues. Piranha follows its own Cormanesque B-movie path. It's loaded with practical makeup effects, car stunts, boat stunts, underwater sequences and tons of screaming extras. With genre vets like Kevin McCarthy and Barbara Steele bringing some gravitas to the proceedings and Corman regulars Dick Miller and Paul Bartel rounding out the cast, Piranha stands head and shoulders above your average Jaws rip-off.

Rating: 78%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Terror of the Zygons

The Doctor is summoned to Scotland, where UNIT is investigating the destruction of some oil rigs in the North Sea. The evidence suggests that the platforms were destroyed by a gigantic sea creature, but that's only the tip of the iceberg. Harry gets captured by shape-shifting aliens, the Brigadier gets gassed and Sarah is nearly suffocated. The Zygons have begun their conquest of Earth and only the Doctor stands in their way. Terror of the Zygons definitely shares some DNA with serials like Doctor Who and the Silurians and The Sea Devils but it still manages to be an entertaining adventure. The Zygons are well designed and their use of organic technology is both clever and gross. At the end of the serial, Sarah and the Doctor leave Scotland in the TARDIS while Harry chooses to stay behind on Earth, ending his time as one of the Doctor's companions.

 

Rating: Sounds like the Brigadier%

Revenge of the Cybermen

Using a time ring, the Doctor and his companions leave the war-torn planet Skaro and return to the Space Station Nerva, where they've left the TARDIS. They arrive thousands of years too early, only to find the station's crew almost completely wiped out by a mysterious plague. After Sarah is attacked by a Cybermat, the Doctor discovers that someone on the station is in cahoots with the Cybermen. Might it have something to do with the drifting planetoid that the station is orbiting? Find out in Revenge of the Cybermen. Coming soon to a Blu-ray player or streaming service near you. No, but seriously folks, Revenge of the Cybermen isn't a bad serial, it's just a bit of a dud. Putting it back-to-back with Genesis of the Daleks doesn't help it either. The Cybermen need to be menacing to be an effective adversary, here they're just chatty robots with a new plot-based weakness. It's not all bad though, the Doctor has some great dialogue, the serial is well paced and the use of multiple locations keeps it from being just another "base under siege" story.

Rating: Everything's of interest to me%

Needful Things

 

A New England town actually has a lot of real bad people in it (in a Stephen King story? Nooooo!) so a Max Von Sydow demon shows up to give them little treasures in exchange for them all pranking each other into a murderous rage. It's pretty bland in general, but it has an amazing building explosion from back when they'd actually for real blow up a whole dang building for a B movie. 

RATING: 56%