The Salt Lick Restaurant

I happened to be in Driftwood, Texas recently (no, really, I was vacationing in Austin) and I was lucky enough to get to eat at The Salt Lick. Open since 1967, The Salt Lick is known for its open barbecue pit, friendly staff, generous portions, and their convenient BYOB policy. I opted for the "Family Style" all-you-can-eat meat plate, which came loaded with pork ribs, sausage and brisket. And, since I was in Texas, I washed all that meat down with a few cans of Pearl beer. I ate until I was legitimately concerned that I might vomit and was subsequently full for more than 24 hours after I left the restaurant. Not bad for $16 plus the price of beer.

Rating: Meat Coma%

(Image from sweetleafteablog.com)

Blue Menu Chili

President's Choice (Canada's favorite generic brand) Blue Menu products are food items that are marketed to today's "health conscience" consumer. I am not part of that target group, but I went ahead and tried their chili anyway. While I've never been asked to be a judge at a chili cook-off, I think I have a pretty good idea of how chili should or should not taste. So, I'm going to go ahead and call shenanigans on Blue Menu's chili, because it tasted like kidney beans, ground up Aspirin and ass. Thanks for the heartburn, assholes.

Rating: 3%

(Image from presidentschoice.ca)

Worst Cooks in America

I do not get cable because I am poor and busy and well, Hulu. However, I plugged my tv into the wall and so the network stations and, mysteriously, the Food Network come through my tv. I don't understand it, but I'll take it. Anyway, the Worst Chef in America is the Food Network's newest addition and damned if it isn't the best show on the whole damn network! (Damn damn damn) The premise of the show is that a whole bunch of the most delightful, endearing, and determined terrible cooks you've ever seen are put in a competition to learn to cook. The only downside is that I love all the contestants so much that I want them all to win. Well done, Food Network. (Much better than this shit.)

Rating: fooddisastertastic%

Donairs

The donair is a Canadian variation of the Turkish döner kebab. Rolled in a pita, the donair is filled with beef (cooked on a vertical spit), lettuce, onions and tomatoes and is covered with a sweet sauce. Having been introduced to Canada sometime in the 1970s, the donair has become increasingly popular over the last few decades, especially in Atlantic Canada. Though similar to the American gyro, the donair is not likely to contain any lamb meat and its sauce is derived from milk and vinegar, whereas a gyro's sauce is most likely either sour cream or tzatziki. Though photographic evidence would suggest otherwise, the donair is a tasty Canadian delicacy.

Rating: 85%

(Image from chowtown.wordpress.com)

Just Bunches

Just Bunches is a cereal that is like a spinoff of Honey Bunches Of Oats. Basically, they took all the granola balls you would find in a box of Honey Bunches Of Oats and put them by themselves. It ends up being like a low quality granola cereal, because by removing all the flakes and almonds you'd find in Honey Bunches Of Oats, it makes each bit of granola all the less special than when you'd usually come across them. So in conclusion, Just Bunches as a cereal is nowhere near as good as Honey Bunches Of Oats, and I'd rather eat a bowl of Honey Bunches Of Oats any day of the week than Just Bunches.


RATING: 41%

The Turkey Sandwich Waiting For Me In My Desk Drawer

I'd sure like to eat it now, but there's no telling when a student is going to show up for his or her scheduled conference, and if I'm eating it when a student comes to my office then I'll show weakness by proving that I, like all humans, must eat. Also, it's hard to pick a reasonable color for turkey in MSPaint.

RATING: GIMME%

Gordon Ramsay

Gordon Ramsay is my favorite kind of reality television personality, the angry kind. When he's not on TV making people cry, Mr. Ramsay is apparently a well regarded chef and restaurateur. Personally, I'm not sure if I would enjoy his cooking, as I have yet to see him make poutine and chicken fingers. Gordon Ramsay has several television programs which he uses to berate and abuse those in the food service industry who are not as rich and famous as he is. If I could have any job, I would want his job. Not so much his chef/restaurateur gig, but the one where he gets paid a lot of money to throw things and yell obscenities at people.

Rating: You stupid donkey%

(Image from getback.com)

Zaitzeff

Zaitzeff is one of New York City's many popular burger joints, and is known for serving beef that is free-range, antibiotic and hormone-free and for hand-cut, skillet fried sweet and regular potato fries. I was excited to try it out for lunch Friday, but left sadly disappointed. My friend and I split one each of a kobe and a sirloin burger. Both of these were obviously great beef, cooked perfectly to a wonderful texture, and served on tasty Portuguese muffins...all makings of a great burger. BUT, the meat was sadly lacking in the flavor department. Honestly, I think it just need more salt to wake up all that great meat.* The fries were also almost great, but suffered from the same total lack of salting. I'll definitely go back in the hope that they were just on an off day, but on this occasion I was disappointed by the unrealized potential for a great burger. So sad.


Rating: 76%

*That's what she said.

(Photo from A Hamburger Today.)

Poppy Seed Tea

People who want to feel like a big shot law student in New York but don't want to date losers or study all the time can always ingest the seeds of Papaver somniferum in some ethnic-urban confection and then fail a drug test. However, my own research suggests that attempting to extract the trace alkaloids (i.e. opium) from 600 grams of seeds using a mixture of water, lemon juice and heat results in a foul tasting, oily mixture with no apparent medicinal properties. Disappointed readers might try befriending a hill tribe or Laurie.

RATING: 1%

(Image from www.kansasoz.com.)

Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee

Semi-Homemade is a terrible show on the Food Network where the WASP-iest woman you've ever seen "combines 70% ready-made products with 30% fresh" to make mediocre 70% processed food dishes that I wouldn't let anywhere near my damn kitchen. Recipe highlights include "Mascarpone and Grape Puff Pastry Bites" (includes bacos!), "Tea Sandwiches" (Seriously? Tea Sandwiches?), and Spicy Bat Wings and Bat Chips with Goblin Dip (received a whopping ONE star from reviewers on her website). The only props I will give this show is that Lee includes a cocktail recipe in each episode, but I do have to take those props back because she also includes a "tablescape" design in each episode. Lame!

Rating: 2%

Antipasto Panino from Central Market

Parma Prosciutto, Mortadella, Capicolla, Salami, Mozzarella, roasted red peppers, Basil pesto and arugula. Cured pork heaven.

RATING: 75%

Don Miguel's Queso Dinner

Sometimes you might have just gotten done exercising and find yourself super hungry, broke, and in the frozen food section, and that might be a time when you may think buying a $1 frozen "Queso Dinner" is a good idea. Friends, it is not at all a good idea. That unrecognizable slop in the picture has about all the delicious taste of a ruptured appendix au jus. My only guess as to why it's called "Queso Dinner" and not "Cheese Enchilada Dinner" is that there was some legal issue raised about actually calling this something that could be confused with a familiar food product, and referring to it in Spanish would be enough to ward off FDA lawyers. I don't necessarily believe in the concept of universal justice, but if I have done something terrible in a past life like murder a bunch of orphans or sink some Spanish ships I believe after eating this for dinner my penance has been served.

RATING: 9%

Five Guys Burgers and Fries

Several locations of the much lauded Five Guys hamburger chain have recently opened in Houston, and after reading more than enough glowing reviews from burger connoisseurs nationwide I finally decided to give them a try. The "regular" burger comes with two fresh, never frozen 100% American beef patties (however, they do offer a smaller version with only one if you're a wimp, or hate life) with a wide variety of toppings and condiments. Unfortunately, I found the burger was incredibly disappointing, although the toppings were fresh and liberally applied. I'm not saying it was bad, because it was decent, but it's nothing impressive or spectacular. It's honestly too hard to justify eating at Five Guys when there are a handful of other joints in Houston that offer a way better burger. The only draw for Five Guys are their fresh-cut Idaho french fries, which are incredible. So make a trip out to Five Guys sometime and order the "large" fries, with a small burger on the side.

RATING: 60%

My weekend in Key West

That picture of a completely devastated surf and turf that was paid for by my brother in law pretty much sums up how awesome my weekend was. Also, I rode a mechanical bull and stayed on for all eight seconds. Huz-zah.

Rating: 97%

Chuck Steak Maxi-Pad

Cheap steaks bleeding all over the inside of your fridge? You need the Chuck Steak Maxi Pad. I was going to throw it away, but then I thought it might help with that just-woke-up puffiness.

RATING: Bloody well 90%, innit?

(Image of me from right now. I don't usually leap out of bed and start grilling steaks, but it's Saturday, and they're about to go bad.)

This Fortune

When I was digging in my cabinets a minute ago I found an old fortune cookie and figured hey what the hell. Little did I know that this cookie contained some sort of bullshit metanarrative/ironic fortune. (Actually I only have the vaguest memory of all that literary theory nonsense from undergrad so I'm not really sure what this fortune is, but it certainly feels like bullshit.) This is totally unfair. Fortunes should strictly tell fortunes. I don't need it to tell me I'm nice, or that the sky is blue, or that life is all a crock of crap. Just tell me my fortune, you stupid cookie!

Post-Modern Cookie Fortunes: 5%
(Okay so it is a little funny)

Sour Jelly Bellys

Today I celebrated the crucifixion of Jesus by eating a bag of sour Jelly Bellys and doing homework. The Jelly Bellys were tasty and both sweet and sour as advertised, although I think an entire bag was probably about 3/4 of a bag too many. I can't believe how much better they were than Sour Skittles.

Rating: 74%

Roma Tomatoes

In the world of edible produce, the tomato definitely wins the "bag of guts" award. I like Roma tomatoes because they're smaller and firmer (there you go, perv), ergo they bruise and splatter less easily and seem to last a couple of days longer in the fridge. Plus they're cheaper than a handjob in a Phnom Penh karaoke bar. Why would you ever want to eat anything else?

RATING: 85%

(Image from www.freshchannels.com.)

Hot Dog Toaster

So...for $50 I can have a toaster that simultaneously toasts BOTH hot dogs AND buns? Where do I sign? Or rather, not. I can think many other things I would rather buy for $50. Like these amazing travel dumbells. (Thank you, Skymall!)

Rating: 37% (Assuming it actually works.)

Nintoaster

I'd definitely like to write something pithy about how this really makes a powerful statement about commercialization, postmodernism, America, or obesity. Frankly, this is far, far too awesome. The next step is trying to mod a Super Mario Brothers 3 catridge into an English muffin.

This really just opens up a larger discussion about what the next thing to mod in terms of video games and food. I'm partial to a Playstation3 embedded in an enormous wheel of cheese.

RATING: 89% (which means that it's better than an old pencil with an eraser on the end, but worse than a new pencil with an eraser on the end)

(image courtesy of engadget.com)