Child in the Night

A nine-year-old boy witnesses his father being murdered by a mysterious man wielding a hook. As the police and a child psychologist work with the traumatized boy, more bodies with hook wounds begin to turn up. Child in the Night has some slasher elements, most notably the fact that the killer looks an awful lot like the killer in I Know What You Did Last Summer, but it's definitely more of a thriller/murder mystery. Elijah Wood, in an early role, plays the young boy. JoBeth Williams plays the child psychologist, Tom Skerritt plays the gruff Detective Bass and Darren McGavin, from Kolchak: The Night Stalker and A Christmas Story, plays the young boy's grandfather.

Rating: 61%

(Image from IMDB)

Lamb

A couple farmers deliver a baby from a sheep that turns out to be half human. This is one of those “horror” movies whose purview is mostly just sadness. You’ll feel bad watching it but won’t be scared!

RATING: 67%

The Munsters

 

Well not every horror flick has to be, like, Hostel or Terrifier 2 if the reviews are to be believed. This one’s a sweet little family flick of how Herman and Lily met and fell in love etc. It’s got knockout casting and it captures the atmosphere of the original perfectly (although in a bit more color). Sure, it’s probably about 30 minutes too long but who’s gonna take away Rob Zombies toys when he’s having so much fun?

RATING: 61%

The Tommyknockers

 

A quiet New Zealand, erm, New England town gets turned all fliparoo whenever a lady digs up an ancient crashed spaceship, hypnotizing everyone into building inventions like laser lipsticks. It may be the worst Stephen King movie I've watched so far, but at least there's an alcoholic poet who tries to save the day.

RATING: 17%

The Dark Half

Santa Jaws

This past October, I went searching through Amazon Prime Video for Bruno Mattei's notorious Jaws rip-off Cruel Jaws. It wasn't available at the time but, in my efforts to find that movie, I discovered the streaming service had a movie called Santa Jaws in its library. Which I ended up watching based, almost exclusively, on the teaser image. Knowing full well that Santa Jaws couldn't possibly be very good, I went in with low expectations. It ended up being even worse than I thought it could be. In the movie, a teen receives a magical pen that brings his comic book creation, a killer shark named Santa Jaws, to life. Santa Jaws then begins picking off the teen's family and friends one by one. Does the magical pen hold the key to defeating Santa Jaws or has it all just been a nightmare? I'm not even sure the filmmakers could tell you because the ending seems to play it both ways.

Rating: 41%

(Image from Amazon)

Children of the Corn: Runaway

If I was feeling generous, I would tell you that Children of the Corn: Runaway isn't so much a horror movie as it is a psychological thriller. A methodical, minimalist meditation on trauma and family. A rustic, windswept tone poem. And if I wasn't feeling generous, I would tell you that the movie is a total snooze fest. A bare bones bore. Just another unnecessary entry in an already lackluster franchise. "It's not good," I would say. "I wish they would stop making these."

Rating: 49%

(image from IMDB)

Most Beautiful Island

An undocumented immigrant struggling in NYC winds up taking a gig for some extremely rich people where bizarre rich people stuff happens and maybe isn't exactly safe, but what can she even do about it? I don't wanna say too much, but one way (the only way?) to convince your lead actress to let a bunch of spiders and cockroaches crawl all over her naked body is to cast yourself as the lead actress.

RATING: 88%

Bates Motel

Before there was Bates Motel, there was Bates Motel, a made-for-TV movie from 1987. It was supposed to be the pilot for a series set at a newly renovated Bates Motel, but it wasn't very good and it never went any further than the pilot movie. It's not even really canon. It's pretty much a sidequel. It ignores Psycho II and III, starting after the events of the original. We follow a character who befriended Norman Bates while they were both institutionalized. After Norman's death, Alex (our lead) inherits the Bates Motel on the condition that he gets it up and running again. It's part whodunnit/Scooby-doo/gaslighting and part shitty Twilight Zone. You can find Bates Motel these days on cheap multi-packs with the other Psycho sequels, but for years it was only available on bootlegs. Because horror fans have always been willing to bootleg garbage.

Rating: 45%

(Image from IMDB)

Halloween II - The Television Cut

There once was a time when you couldn't put nudity, violence, profanity or drug use on television. There were only a few stations back then and even fewer shows than we have access to now. Sometimes those stations would want to show movies. But if the movie they wanted to show featured any scenes of nudity, violence, profanity or drug use, those scenes had to be edited. This was often done very poorly. Nobody knows why. Take for instance, Halloween II. The Television Cut of Halloween II edits or removes every scene from the film that featured nudity, violence, profanity or drug use. You may be thinking, "Wouldn't this ruin the movie, seeing as it's a horror movie and horror movies are pretty much required to have scenes with nudity, violence, profanity and/or drug use?" You'd be right, of course. It pretty much ruins the movie. "Then why would you watch the Television Cut of Halloween II?" you might ask. Well, due to the fact that the movie was going to be much shorter without all of the nudity, violence, profanity and drug use, a number of additional scenes were added to the Television Cut. They're mostly additional scenes of dialogue between the hospital staff. "Was anything cool added?" Nope. "Is it worth going out of my way to see this version of the movie?" No, not really.

Rating: 45%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is barely a movie. The first third of the picture is dominated by "flashbacks" to sequences from the first film. The filmmakers probably could have gotten away with recycling that much footage from the first movie if they could have come up with a better framing device for justification. Instead, we got the brother of the first film's protagonist recounting events that he was barely present for and/or could not have known about. Then we're treated to some new flashbacks concerning his own violent misadventures. And sure, the "garbage day" meme was fun but it's something you're better off watching on youtube devoid of context.

Rating: 16%

(Image from sbccfilmreviews.org)

Darling

You ever see one of those movies that it's totally obvious that the people making it thought it was brilliant? This is one of those. A woman babysits a haunted house but it's very scary according to the loud violin score and literally nothing else that happens in the movie.

RATING: 8%

mother!

In this movie, which seems pretty mundane at first, a couple adjusts to life in a real fixer-upper while the husband guy tries to write. He invites in some unexpected guests who smoke and throw parties without asking and also puke naked into toilets. It's a pretty straightforward flick for a long time, but of course Aronofsky gonna Aronofsky, so the last twenty minutes will probably fuck you up but good.

RATING: 77%

Evil Bong

I really don't think I need to explain anything here.

RATING: 16%

The Final Girls

Six years ago I watched Midnight Movie. I hated Midnight Movie. So it was definitely a bad sign when I couldn't help but think about Midnight Movie while I watched The Final Girls. The problem with Midnight Movie was that it was relentlessly stupid and poorly made. The problem with The Final Girls is that it isn't capable of balancing a variety of different tones. A lot of the movie is a send up of '80s slashers and the trappings of the era. But, at the same time, the movie is also about a girl trying to save her dead mother, who is an actress in the film within the film. The emotional through line is constantly undermined by poorly written Reagan-era gay panic jokes and surface level observations about the difference between the '80s and modern times.

Rating: 6.6 on IMDB is probably fair%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Night Breed

Hm I don't mean to quibble about what exactly makes a horror movie a horror movie, but this movie, where a cool dude dies and joins a cabal of cool undead monsters in a monster city seems more like a fantasy adventure? Although the monsters (who are good monsters) must unite to kill some bad cops and a serial killing David Cronenberg, and the latter is sorta horror I suppose. Anyway it's fun!

RATING: 65%

Creature From The Haunted Sea

As a relic of late 50s pseudo-sleaze this is interesting but as a movie for human consumption?

RATING: 11%

Season Of The Witch

Aka Hungry Wives, aka Jack's Wife, a frustrated middle age housewife starts reading some books about witches and whatnot (but like if I read Dracula that doesn't make me a vampire you know) and sleeps with the lead from There's Always Vanilla. It's not exactly a horror movie, so I shoulda posted it in September I guess though there is a little psychedelic freak factor.

RATING: 40%

Hannibal

I don't exactly consider The Silence of the Lambs to be a horror movie, but I thought I remembered this movie being a weirder goth fest. Well, the last thirty minutes or so are terrific, with some man eating pigs and man eating mans, but the rest of the movie is excruciating. Is it worse than, like, Scarecrow Night or whatever? Not technically, but with all the talent behind this one it shoulda been at least moderately watchable.

RATING: 27%

Resident Evil: Retribution

Not exactly sure who is retributing who here, but for this series of movies I guess having your title sound like the name of a nu-metal album is more important than having it make sense. Speaking of making sense, Alice, our stalwart hero, finds herself captured by the Umbrella Corporation (UMB [NYSE] $12.84 -3.81). She must fight her way through a buncha computer simulations to escape, and if there's any truth in the world it's that nothing is more fun than watching somebody play a shitty video game for two hours! In the end it turns out the true monster is man, specifically the man who greenlit five fucking Resident Evil movies.

RATING: 26%

Resident Evil: Extinction

You know what's pretty irritating - when a movie series of more than two films decides to forgo the traditional, lame "numbering" in favor of just a colon and an "extreme" title like "Apocalypse" or "Extinction." Well now I gotta keep looking up which movie is next on the list to watch, idiot movie execs! Anyway, this movie is beautifully shot, using a Mad Max style desert wasteland to great cinematic effect. Now Alice has to help a group of escapees get to a promised land in Alaska but oh no! The Umbrella corporation is, uh, cloning her and also there's an evil super scientist that stands in her way. I am watching these movies because it's Halloween season, but they are not horror flicks, just action movies that happen to have zombies in them.

RATING: 51%