Road House

Dalton, a professional bouncer, is hired to run security at a struggling bar outside of Kansas City called the Double Deuce. As Dalton begins to clean up the place, he runs afoul of Brad Wesley, a cartoonishly evil man who runs roughshod over the town and its residents. As Dalton begins to grow fond of his new home and his new friends, not to mention a certain blonde doctor, the pressure and intimidation from Brad Wesley continues to escalate until the two men are forced into a final confrontation that decides the ultimate fate of the community. Is Road House over the top? Yes. Is Road House a little trashy? Yes. Are those two of it's core strengths? You betcha. Road House is a braindead movie that is also a lot of fun. It's well paced with a great soundtrack. And even though it's nearly two hours long, you'd never know it. 

Rating: 79%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Wet Hot American Summer

It's the end of the Summer and everyone at Camp Firewood has a full day ahead of them. There's swimming, waterskiing, rafting, arts and crafts, capture the flag, marriage counseling, premarital sex and redirecting falling chunks of Skylab. Not to mention the big talent show. It's a lot to cram into one day. Wet Hot American Summer is a cult comedy through and through. You either love it or you hate it. Personally, I love it. It's an absurdist tribute to and parody of Summer camp comedies. The cast is incredible, with Janeane Garofalo, David Hyde Pierce, Molly Shannon, Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Christopher Meloni, H. Jon Benjamin, Amy Poehler, Bradley Cooper, Kevin Sussman, Judah Friedlander and several members of The State. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go fondle my sweaters. 

Rating: 73%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The People Under the Stairs

With a sick mother and a looming eviction, young Fool (real name Poindexter) agrees to go on a B&E job. The target: Fool's wealthy landlords. But, from the very beginning, something just seems off about the landlord's home. Like, why are all the windows locked from the outside? And things only get stranger after he gets inside the house. Soon enough, it's an all-out fight for survival. Will Fool make it out or will he become another one of the people under the stairs? Wes Craven's The People Under the Stairs was a video store staple going back to the early nineties. For casual movie fans, it was probably Craven's most recognizable film outside of the slasher genre. And, while I think it holds up pretty well, I feel like it has some serious structural problems. The movie kind of peaks at the end of the second act. There's also a bit of a reset at the beginning of the third act, which kills a lot of the movie's momentum. That said, it's still an enjoyable film. 

Rating: 68%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Kinda

The Doctor and his companions arrive on the planet Deva Loka, home of the Kinda people. While investigating the area, Tegan falls asleep under some mysterious wind chimes and her mind gets trapped in a shadowy realm where she gets antagonized by the Mara. Meanwhile, the Doctor and Adric get imprisoned by some colonists who have clearly started to go a little nuts. And, if you're wondering what Nyssa go up to, the answer is nothing. After a fainting spell at the beginning of the story, Nyssa is put to bed and is not seen again until everyone is ready to leave at the end of the final episode. Kinda isn't great. It seems like the writers couldn't come up with enough for the main cast to do, hence writing out Nyssa and sidelining Tegan for most of the story. That said, the giant snake puppet (yes, there's a giant snake puppet) is pretty cool, even if it looks a little rough. 

Rating: Intentions unknown. Hypothesis unfriendly, as K-9 would say%

The Rock

General Hummel and a group of rogue Marines steal fifteen rockets filled with deadly nerve gas before taking hostages on Alcatraz Island. With a ticking clock looming over everyone's head, two men are chosen to accompany a Navy SEAL team for the purpose of sneaking into Alcatraz and disarming the rockets: Dr. Stanley Goodspeed, an FBI chemical weapons specialist, and John Mason, a former British operative and the only man ever to successfully escape from Alcatraz. After their SEAL team gets wiped out by Hummel's Marines, it's up to Mason and Goodspeed to take out the rockets before it's too late. Not having seen Bad Boys II, I have to assume that The Rock is the best movie that Michael Bay has ever made or will ever make. And yes, I know he's currently working on a Skibidi Toilet movie. That said, The Rock is fantastic. Great shootouts, explosions galore and a car chase sequence that is constantly one-upping itself. The main cast is fantastic and they're backed up by a murderer's row of character actors like Michael Biehn, William Forsythe, John C. McGinley and the late, great Tony Todd.

Rating: 77%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Wizard

Corey Woods breaks his little brother Jimmy out of an institution and heads for California. Along the way, he discovers that Jimmy is incredibly talented at video games. With the help of a precocious young girl named Haley, the three runaways head for Los Angeles to enter Jimmy into the Video Armageddon tournament. The Wizard is notorious for essentially being a ninety minute commercial for Nintendo and it's various games and accessories. The movie does have a surprising amount of heart though and is actually a decent adventure/road trip movie. The young leads are all very good and the movie is padded out with a great supporting cast that includes Beau Bridges, Christian Slater and Sam McMurray. It's so bad. 

Rating: 64%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Serpent and the Rainbow

Dennis Alan, a Harvard anthropologist, heads down to Haiti to look for a drug used in zombification rituals, hoping to find the next super anesthetic. With the help of Dr. Marielle Duchamp, Dennis locates Christophe Durand, a man who had been pronounced dead several years earlier and who has since become a local legend. Dennis' quest for the drug is complicated after he runs up against Captain Dargent Peytraud, a high ranking member of the secret police, who warns Dennis to leave Haiti or face consequences worse than death. The Serpent and the Rainbow has some amazing locations and great camera work, but seems to be missing some connective tissue. Overdubbed narration is used several times to smooth over some of the gaps, but some scenes are still awkwardly joined. 

Rating: 62%

(Image from IMDB)

Four to Doomsday

After a strong magnetic field throws the TARDIS off course, the Doctor and his companions find themselves on a spaceship headed for Earth. Overseen by Monarch, the ship contains billions of Urbankans and several Earthling guests from the distant past. While Monarch would have the Doctor believe that his intentions are peaceful, Monarch's guests suggest his plans for Earth are much more nefarious. And besides, if Monarch means no harm, why is his ship carrying all that poison? Four to Doomsday feels a lot like a First Doctor story. It takes place primarily on a spaceship and the Doctor gets a little cranky with his young companions. It's not hard to see why though. Tegan never stops complaining and Adric has gone full chauvinist prick. Nyssa, despite getting sidelined multiple times, is the only companion that doesn't seem to piss the Doctor off. It probably helps that she's able to stop a soldier from cutting off the Doctor's head.

Rating: Goodness me, you are a long way from home%

Sudden Death

Stanley Cup Finals, Game 7. Penguins vs Blackhawks. The energy inside the arena is electric. Security is extra tight because the Vice President is in attendance. What the Secret Service doesn't know, however, is that terrorists have rigged the arena with plastic explosives. Thankfully, there's a man inside the building with all the necessary goal keeping and ass kicking skills to save the day: a fire marshal named Darren. It's basically Die Hard at a hockey game. JCVD stars as Darren the fire marshal, who picks the absolute worst day to take his kids to work, and Powers Boothe plays the leader of the terrorists. Sudden Death is a fun, straightforward action movie. Easily one of the better JVCD movies out there. What the movie lacks in originality, it make up for in scenes where JCVD fights a terrorist in a mascot costume. 

Rating: 66%

(Image from Wikipedia)

UHF

George Newman, a dreamer and a screw-up struggling to hold down a job, gets his big break when he's given the opportunity to run his uncle's low-budget TV station. When George's wacky new programming ideas start to find an audience, he runs afoul of the local network affiliate. There are lines and bits from UHF that have been burned into my memory for the last 30+ years that will likely be with me until the day I die. Are some of the parodies in the movie dated now? Yes. Have some of the cast gone on to do bad things. Sure. That said, if Spatula City doesn't make you smile, you might not have a soul. 

Rating: 81%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Hills Have Eyes Part II

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the desert... Eight years after the Carter family were terrorized by a group of savage cannibals, Bobby Carter's motorcycle team set out to test their new super fuel at a race in the... dun dun duuun... desert. After failing to account for daylight saving time, the group take an ill-advised shortcut, which leads them straight into cannibal country. After their bus breaks down, the team are attacked by Pluto, who somehow survived having his throat ripped out in the first film, and the Reaper, Pluto's uncle. The Hills Have Eyes Part II is pretty bad. The dialogue is bad, the characters are bad, the pacing is bad and the movie's runtime is padded out with flashbacks to the first film. The most egregious of which is when the dog, Beast, has a flashback to his previous showdown with Pluto. It's hardly surprising that Wes Craven has disowned the film. 

Rating: 54%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Castrovalva

The Master springs a series of traps on the newly regenerated Doctor and his companions that take them from the Big Bang to the mysterious planet Castrovalva. Adric gets captured early on and spends most of the story being tortured, though he also, in an attempt to manipulate the Doctor and his friends, occasionally pops up as a projection controlled by the Master. Peter Davison’s first story as the Fifth Doctor feels a lot like two short stories mashed together. The first half of the serial takes place almost entirely in the TARDIS and is pretty much a remake of the First Doctor story The Edge of Destruction. The second half of the story takes place on Castrovalva and, even though there isn’t much time to flesh things out, the characters are interesting and the quiet mystery vibes are effective. The concept of block-transfer computation gets trotted out again as a means of explaining the Masters machinations but it makes even less sense here than it did in Logopolis.

 

Rating: Well, I suppose I'll get used to it in time%

The Executioner

Koga, a practitioner of ancient ninja techniques, is recruited to help take down the Mafia, who are smuggling drugs into Japan. With martial arts films beginning to find a worldwide audience in 70s, the push was on to crown a successor to the late Bruce Lee. For a time, Sonny Chiba was Japan's potential heir to the throne. Following the stateside success of The Street Fighter, North American distributors began importing other Sonny Chiba films. The Executioner, much like The Street Fighter, has a lot of stylish and vicious action scenes, but Chiba's character Koga is much more likable than The Street Fighter's Terry Tsurugi. He's still an anti-hero but he murders far fewer innocent people and, unless I missed something, he never sells anyone into slavery.

Rating: 72%

(Image from IMDB)

G.I. Joe: The Movie

In 1986, while riding high on the success of their respective toy lines and TV shows, Hasbro released The Transformers: The Movie and My Little Pony: The Movie theatrically. Neither film performed well at the box office. The Transformers: The Movie also managed to traumatize some of it's young audience by killing off many of their favorite characters. G.I. Joe: The Movie, originally intended to be released around the same time as those other two Hasbro films, was eventually released direct-to-video in 1987. While many of the classic G.I. Joe characters get sidelined throughout the movie to allow for a greater focus on a crop of new Joes, production delays allowed the filmmakers to sidestep The Transformers: The Movie's biggest taboo: killing off a beloved main character. Watching the movie now, it's clear that the Joe's leader Duke was meant to die in the film. Serpentor straight up stabs Duke in the heart with a spear, but thanks to some new dialogue Duke merely goes into a coma. And even though we never see Duke again onscreen, a character announces to everyone at the end of the film that Duke has come out of the coma and is going to be A-okay.  

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Swamp Thing

At a research base, deep in the swampland, Dr. Alec Holland is working on a top secret formula. But, after the base is attacked by the nefarious Anton Arcane, Alec Holland is seemingly killed and the Swamp Thing is born. With the help of Alice Cable, Swamp Thing attempts to stop Arcane from using Alec Holland's formula for evil. While I'm sure 1982's Swamp Thing has its defenders, I can't imagine it tops many people's lists of favorite Wes Craven or superhero films. The makeup design for Swamp Thing looks like a cross between the Toxic Avenger and a sad, gloopy Gumby. Harry Manfredini's score doesn't really fit the tone of the movie, mostly because it sounds like all of the scores he did for the Friday the 13th films. There are a handful of impressive stunts in the movie, as well as a number of explosions that seem to be going off dangerously close to the actors.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Logopolis

At the beginning of this story, the Doctor is in a bit of a pensive mood. Even though he’s been trying to get back to Gallifrey since his time on Tigella, the Doctor decides that it’s time he made some long overdue repairs to the TARDIS. After making a stop on Earth to do some research, the Doctor accidentally picks up two passengers: an airline stewardess named Tegan Jovanka and the Master. After leaving Earth, the Doctor heads to Logopolis to meet with the Monitor, who’s prowess in block-transfer computations will help the Doctor make the necessary repairs to the TARDIS. Once on Logopolis, the Doctor and Adric are reunited with Nyssa, who claims she was brought there by a friend of the Doctor. Having kept his presence hidden up to that point, the Master begins to search for the secret behind the Logopolitans’ powerful mathematics. The Master’s plot winds up putting the fate of the entire universe at risk. The situation gets bad enough that the Doctor is forced to team up with the Master. And while their short-lived partnership ultimately saves most of the universe, it ends up costing the Doctor one of his lives. The final story of the Fourth Doctor era is, honestly, a bit of a disappointment. All the timey-wimey mumbo jumbo about block-transfer computations and all-powerful mathematics is pretty boring. And the Master’s brief face turn towards the end of the story feels like it was lifted directly from Terror of the Autons.

Rating: Back in two shakes%

Live Free or Die Hard

As a favor to the FBI, John McClane is tasked with escorting a hacker to Washington, D.C. Things quickly start to go sideways after a group of hitmen try to kill the hacker before McClane can bring him in. With assassins following their every move, McClane and the hacker attempt to stop a group of terrorists who are attempting to bring down America through a coordinated cyber attack. As far as Die Hard movies go, Live Free or Die Hard probably ranks second to last for most people. What saves it from being dead last, for me at least, is the presence of Justin Long as the hacker. Long has an endless supply of charisma and his back and forth with Bruce Willis, while being somewhat derivative of the odd couple dynamic in Die Hard with a Vengeance, elevates the movie overall. Timothy Olyphant is good as the leader of the terrorists, but lacks the intimidating gravitas of previous villains in the series. And Kevin Smith is unnecessarily shoehorned into the movie as another hacker.

Rating: 68%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Hot to Trot

After his mother passes away, Fred inherits a talking horse and half of his stepfather's stock brokerage. Rather than selling off his half of the brokerage, Fred tries to make it in the world of high finance. And he begins to find success, thanks to stock tips from an unlikely source: Don, the talking horse. No, really. Because John Candy provides the voice of the talking horse, Hot to Trot has been on my radar ever since it was first released but I only recently watched it for the first time. It's not very good, but I didn't hate it. I'm not sure I'll ever watch it again, but I didn't hate it. The premise of the movie is pretty old school, something like a cross between a Marx Brothers movie and a wacky live action Disney movie from the 70s. There's plenty of great people in the movie like Bobcat Goldthwait, Dabney Coleman, Burgess Meredith, Tim Kazurinsky and Gilbert Gottfried. And yet, it's still not a very good movie. But, I didn't hate it.

Rating: 56%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Bobcat Goldthwait and Tim Kazurinsky were both in Police Academy 2, 3 and 4.

Deadly Blessing

In a small farming town, the only thing separating the normal, everyday folks from the religious Hittite community is a simple fence. Similar to the Amish, but apparently far stricter, the Hittite people shun modern technology and anyone not already in their faith. When Jim Schmidt, a former Hittite, is mysteriously killed, the leader of the Hittites claim that it is the work of the Incubus. Martha, Jim's pregnant widow, refuses to sell her farm to the Hittites, regardless of the pressure coming from the religious group's leaders and all of the strange things happening around her. Deadly Blessing is an atmospheric horror thriller. While I would hesitate to call it a slasher, there are definitely some slasher elements in it, most notably the score by James Horner which sounds like it was taken from a Friday the 13th film. Michael Berryman has a memorable part in the film, alongside Sharon Stone in one her earliest roles. There are some scenes in Deadly Blessing that would be reworked and redone in A Nightmare on Elm Street, including a bathtub sequence that might actually be better in Deadly Blessing.

Rating: 67%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Keeper of Traken

While taking in some of the sights of N-Space, the TARDIS is infiltrated by a powerful being from the planet Traken, known as the Keeper, who asks for the Doctor's help. And though the Doctor is quick to offer his assistance, the Keeper warns of great danger, an unimaginable threat that could destroy the Doctor and his companion. After arriving on Traken, the Doctor and Adric are framed for murder and sentenced to death. As they try to clear their names, a sinister foe lurks in the shadows. Spoiler alert: that sinister foe turns out to be the Master. Last seen in The Deadly Assassin, the Master tries to steal the Keeper's powers in order to secure a new body for himself. Though fairly average overall, The Keeper of Traken is notable for introducing the character Nyssa, who would go on to become one of the Doctor's companions.

 

Rating: Don't listen to me. I never do%

Rambo: First Blood Part II

In First Blood, we saw what a killing machine is capable of in a civilian setting. In Rambo: First Blood Part II, we get to see what a killing machine is capable of in a combat setting. Having been sent to prison for royally fucking up a small town, John Rambo is offered a chance at redemption. The mission: go back to Vietnam and investigate a camp that may be housing American POWs. Rambo is sent in with strict instructions not to engage the enemy. But, once again, the powers that be have severely underestimated the man they're dealing with. Rambo: First Blood Part II is a two-fisted action movie through and through. Any subtlety and nuance that was present in First Blood has been replaced with explosions and bullet holes. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.  

Rating: 76%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Dog Who Stopped the War

aka La guerre des tuques

Going into Christmas vacation, a group of kids decide to fill their free time with an all out snowball war. One faction builds an elaborate snow fort while the other side attempts to seize it. The war rages on every day from sunup to sundown. From the people who brought you The Peanut Butter Solution comes The Dog Who Stopped the War, another cherished Canadian children's film. Between the two movies, The Dog Who Stopped the War is probably remembered more fondly, since it's fairly straightforward and slightly less traumatic. While I wouldn't say that any of the children in the movie were particularly good actors, their characters were well defined and their uniforms were pretty funny.

Rating: 65%

(Image from IMDB)

The Hills Have Eyes

On their way to California, the Carters take a detour to check out an old mine that had been gifted to them. After getting lost in the desert, their car breaks down, leaving them stranded. Soon after, a group of cannibals begin to prey on the family. The Hills Have Eyes is 70s horror in the tradition of films like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, it's tense, brutal and unrelenting. The cast is very good and notably includes a few genre all-stars like Dee Wallace and Michael Berryman. I think it's safe to say that a lot of cannibal horror movies that came later took some inspiration from The Hills Have Eyes. I'm looking at you Wrong Turn. 

Rating: 75%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Warriors' Gate

While searching for a way out of E-Space, the Doctor and his companions find themselves in a seemingly empty void. It's not long before they're discovered by the crew of a cargo ship that is also stranded in the void. Instead of trying to help each other, the crew of the cargo ship kidnap Romana and attempt to use her as a replacement for their time sensitive navigator. The crew then discover the location of a mysterious gate inside the void that may reveal the way out of E-Space. Warriors' Gate starts off well enough, setting up the mystery of the void and introducing the cargo ship crew and their Tharil navigator, but it starts to lose steam in the middle of the story. The Tharils are an interesting, yet somewhat underdeveloped, part of the story. They're a race of powerful creatures with the ability to travel through time and space. In appearance, they look like a cross between the Cowardly Lion and David Bowie's character in Labyrinth. At the end of the story, Romana decides to stay behind and help the Tharils. Her exit is abrupt and unceremonious, not to mention almost identical to Leela's exit in The Invasion of Time. 

Rating: You were the noblest Romana of them all%

Lethal Weapon

Roger Murtaugh, a veteran cop and family man, is teamed up with Martin Riggs, a man on the edge after the death of his wife. Their case, the apparent suicide of a young woman involved with prostitution and pornography. An autopsy soon reveals that the young woman was actually murdered and as Riggs and Murtaugh begin to dig deeper, the bodies begin to pile up. Lethal Weapon is a stone cold 80s action movie classic. Well written and plotted with a stellar supporting cast. A great example of both odd couple and buddy cop formulas. Parts of the movie might seem cliché today, only because so much of this movie has been copied and parodied in the years since its first release.

Rating: 84%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Ski School

Hoping to impress some prospective buyers, the manager of a ski resort decides to crack down on some of the resort's less desirable elements. At the top of the list, Dave Marshak and the party animals of ski school's Section 8. As a movie, Ski School is a pretty good amalgamation of the goofier parts of Ski Patrol and the hornier parts of Hot Dog... The Movie. It has its own comedic sensibility, which helps to set it apart from those other films. Much like Ski Patrol, Ski School was shot at a time when the 90s hadn't quite established its own identity yet. And, because of that, the amount of neon clothing in Ski School is staggering.

Rating: 69% (Party!)

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Muppet Christmas Carol

It's the classic Christmas story that you know and love, just with more pigs and frogs than the average adaptation. Michael Caine stars as Ebenezer Scrooge, in a pitch perfect performance. It's the kind of committed performance that elevates the movie overall. The Muppets themselves occaisonally take a back seat to Caine's performance while still fitting perfectly into the story. Kermit the Frog is fantastic as Bob Cratchit. And the choice to have Gonzo and Rizzo the Rat narrate the story really helps with the pacing and makes everything more accessible for the audience. 

Rating: 82%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Toy Tinkers

After seeing him chop down a Christmas tree in the woods, Chip 'n' Dale follow Donald Duck home. When Donald catches Chip 'n' Dale stealing his Christmas treats, a full-on battle breaks out. As for who comes out victorious, it should come as no surprise. Released in the late 1940s, Toy Tinkers is a classic Disney animated short. 

Rating: Toy Guns%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fa La La La Laagghh!

After finding out about a neighborhood lighting display contest, Carl tricks Steve into helping him deck out the Winslow's roof. Meanwhile, Harriette starts to feel the Christmas Blues after Eddie and Laura are too busy to help her decorate the Christmas tree. Thankfully, Estelle is there to teach everyone a valuable lesson about the true meaning of Christmas. Despite being in the opening credits, Richie does not appear in the episode, nor is he mentioned. Similarly, the great Waldo Geraldo Faldo is also, unfortunately, absent from this episode.

 

Rating: Roller Blades%

The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus

The Great Ak calls the leaders of the Immortals to the Forest of Burzee for a council meeting. His request, bestowing immortality to the mortal known as Santa Claus. To convince the other Immortals, the Great Ak tells them the story of Santa Claus's life and adventures. An adaptation of the book by L. Frank Baum, The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus was Rankin/Bass's final Christmas Special done with stop motion animation. Much like Pinocchio's Christmas and The Leprechaun's Christmas Gold, the animation in The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus is top notch. The character designs are pretty impressive too, especially the evil Awgwas. The plot of the special is complete nonsense, but I wouldn't have expected anything else from Rankin/Bass. 

Rating: Immortality%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Chill Zone

Lawrence Limburger, an evil alien disguised as a rich industrialist, unleashes a horde of snow sucking robots to steal all of the ice in Chicago. And he might have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those pesky Biker Mice from Mars. Watching this episode of Biker Mice from Mars, I was stuck by two things: (1) the show's theme song sucks. It's just wailing cock rock, there's no cool lyrics about the origins of the Biker Mice. And (2) the writing on Biker Mice from Mars is terrible. It's all alliteration and bad puns. There was even a subtle knock against the Ninja Turtles at one point. But, let's face it, there wouldn't have been a Biker Mice from Mars show without the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The Turtles walked so that the Biker Mice from Mars could, I don't know, pop a wheelie or something.

 

Rating: A New Orphanage%