Comfort and Joy

After a successful mission, the Justice League part ways for a well-deserved Christmas break. Green Lantern introduces Hawkgirl to snowball fights and she returns the favor by taking him to the Omega Quadrant for a good old fashioned barroom brawl. The Flash heads down to the local orphanage to spread some Christmas cheer. His quest to bring the kids a highly sought after toy, the farting animatronic doll DJ Rubber Duckie, gets complicated after running into the Ultra-Humanite. And Superman takes Martian Manhunter to Smallville for a chance to see what Christmas is all about. “Comfort and Joy” is a beautifully written story that effortlessly showcases several aspects of what makes Christmas great and, also, occasionally frustrating. Maybe it borders on being saccharine, but there’s just enough punching to help it all go down easy.

Rating: Ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree%

(Image from IMDB)

I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown

Rerun, Linus and Lucy’s little brother, wants to get a dog for Christmas. No one in Rerun’s family think he’s ready for the responsibility of pet ownership. Not even Snoopy or his brother Spike think Rerun can handle getting a dog. And that’s about it. Based on that paltry recap, you might think that I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown isn’t a very good special. But it’s probably the second-best Peanuts Christmas special, right after A Charlie Brown Christmas. And that’s mostly because it tells a straightforward story, rather than cobbling together a series of holiday themed vignettes. Sure, Rerun isn’t a particularly interesting or visually distinct character, but the special is a good introduction to him and to a number of Snoopy’s siblings. Also, spoiler alert, I think it’s commendable that the special doesn’t end with Rerun getting a dog for Christmas. A choice like that must have taken a lot of restraint.

Rating: Seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Home Alone 4

aka Home Alone: Taking Back the House

After fighting with his siblings, Kevin McCallister decides to spend Christmas with his father and his father’s new girlfriend, Natalie. When Kevin uncovers a plot to kidnap an important guest at Natalie’s Holiday party, no one believes him. Despite his track record, everyone chooses to believe that Kevin is acting out over his parent’s impending divorce. So Kevin takes it upon himself to foil the kidnapping plot in the manner he is most accustomed to: violent hijinks. Home Alone 4 stinks. From the amateurish cinematography and lighting to the choice to center the movie around characters from the first two Home Alone films. It just stinks. I mean, are we expected to believe that this brown-haired kid is the same person as the blonde-haired kid from the first two movies? I don’t think so buddy. And the choice to have the parents get back together at the end of the movie, with zero buildup, is disgusting and insane. Also, get this, at no point in the movie is Kevin ever home alone. Seriously. A pox on your house Home Alone 4. A pox on your house.

Rating: Six geese a-laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree%

Secret Santa Rating: 48%

(Image from Wikipedia)

A Miser Brothers' Christmas

When their power-hungry brother, the North Wind, injures Santa in a plot to take over Christmas, the Miser Brothers are forced to co-operate in order to keep Christmas on track. The Miser Brothers were a relatively minor part of 1974’s The Year Without a Santa Claus, so giving them their own special was a bit of a stretch. There really isn’t a whole lot to them as characters, other than their rivalry and their introductory songs (which are done twice in this special). The plot of A Miser Brothers' Christmas is pretty basic but the animation quality is decent overall, even if I kept expecting a Mad TV parody to break out at any second. Having Mickey Rooney and George S. Irving reprise their roles from the original special was a nice touch. And I genuinely liked that the North Wind’s minions hissed and snarled like little gremlins.

Rating: Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales

The original A Charlie Brown Christmas was shown on broadcast television annually from 1965 through 2019. Over the years, as the average length of commercial breaks increased, the special had to be edited down to fit into a thirty minute timeslot. A lot of people weren't too happy about that. So, after ABC acquired the rights to broadcast A Charlie Brown Christmas in the early 2000s, Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales was created as a companion piece that could be aired after the original special in a one hour block of programming. Much like It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown, there's no overarching story. Christmas Tales is just another series of holiday themed vignettes.

Rating: Dog Sweater%

(Image from Wikipedia)

A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

By the time "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas" aired in 2001, Family Guy had already survived one cancellation and was a few months away from being cancelled for a second time. If you weren't a regular viewer back in the day, you might not even be aware of the show's past scheduling woes. Especially since Family Guy is currently in the midst of its 21st season. "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas" finds the Griffins in the midst of the holiday rush. Lois is determined to have a nice family Christmas but Peter's laziness and the machinations of the plot leave the family with no gifts, no turkey and a burnt up Christmas tree. Luckily, some Christmas cheer and a high powered tranquilizer dart set everything straight again. And a Merry Freakin' Christmas was had by all.

Rating: Plutonium%

The Legend of Frosty the Snowman

Everything is exactly as it should be in the town of Evergreen. Then, one day, an old silk hat blows into town. Suddenly, children are breaking curfew and horsing around. Rumors of a magical snowman begin to circulate. Civil unrest starts to foment. It's up to little Tommy Tinkerton to discover the truth behind the legend of Frosty the Snowman. Of all the Frosty specials I've seen so far, I probably hated this one the least. At just over an hour, it's too long. Thankfully, the animation looks good, the voice acting is on point and there aren't a ton of annoying songs. To date, The Legend of Frosty the Snowman is the last sequel to the original Rankin/Bass Frosty the Snowman special. So, Happy Birthday to me, I guess.

Rating: Corn%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself

I've never lived in a trailer park. I've also never been to jail. And yet despite that, there's something so familiar and nostalgic to me about Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself. Maybe it's the soft focus of the early 2000s digital video, which gives everything a warm, gauzy sheen. Maybe it's the fact that I've lived in Nova Scotia for most of my life and I don't find the characters on Trailer Park Boys to be all that exaggerated. I can still remember when I first heard about the show and the rush of pride I felt as it started to find an audience outside of the Maritimes. Over the years, I was lucky enough to meet a few members of the cast in real life. I even got to speak with John Dunsworth a few times before he passed away. On several occasions, I got to watch people recognize him in public and see him turn into Mr. Lahey for them. You've never seen people smile so enthusiastically as they were being told to fuck off.

Rating: Weed and Hash%

(Image from Amazon)

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, based on the novelty song of the same name, has real first draft vibes. It takes place in Cityville, the bad guy is the CEO of a company called the Own-All Corporation and there's an evil lawyer named I.M. Slime. It's not exactly sophisticated material. In the special, Grandma does in fact get run over by a reindeer. She survives but gets amnesia as a result of the accident. Santa then takes her to the North Pole for medical treatment. Meanwhile, back in Cityville, greedy Cousin Mel uses Grandma's disappearance as an opportunity to trick Grandpa into signing over power of attorney. Cousin Mel then kidnaps Grandma, tries to sell the family store to Austin Bucks and has Santa arrested. Because what kid in the early 2000s wouldn't want to watch their favorite late-70s novelty Christmas song get turned into an animated legal dramedy?

Rating: Fruit Cake%

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie is essentially a riff on It's a Wonderful Life. It's also a real shaggy-dog story. And as much as I love the Muppets, I couldn't help but find this special to be a bit of a slog. There are several dated and unnecessary pop culture parodies throughout along with some borderline racially insensitive moments. It kind of feels like something that was developed by people who don't necessarily understand how the Muppets work. Some of the human characters are playing their parts so big and broad that it's embarrassing. Much like Kermit's vision of a world where he hadn't been born, this was a real bummer.

Rating: Chocolates%

(Image from Wikipedia)

A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa

A Muppet Family Christmas remains the gold standard of Christmas specials as far as I'm concerned. I still watch it every year. I am, however, always willing to make room in my heart for more Muppety goodness. It was in that spirit that I watched A Muppet Christmas: Letters to Santa, a Christmas special from 2008. While I enjoyed the special, it did not dethrone A Muppet Family Christmas from its place on high. If I had to criticize something about this more recent special, I would have to say that (much like some of the Muppet films) it leaned a little too hard on some of the human guest stars. Nobody watches the Muppets to see human celebrities. That said some of said humans totally crushed it. Nathan Lane, Jesse L. Martin and Whoopi Goldberg all did great work. Former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg, not so much. So, while Letters to Santa won't be getting a yearly slot in my Christmas special lineup, it has earned a spot on the alternates bench.

Rating: Fish%

(Image from Muppet Central)

A Scooby-Doo! Christmas

Scooby-Doo and the gang find themselves in Winter Hollow just before Christmas. The townsfolk aren't celebrating on account of a headless snowman who's being attacking them and destroying their homes. Who could be behind all this anti-Christmas chicanery? Could it be the sheriff, who always seems to arrive on the scene moments after the headless snowman attacks? Or what about the proprietor of the town's Inn? He certainly seems to be profiting off all the mayhem. Could it be the ghost of some long dead highwayman? Or maybe some other character who only shows up halfway through the special? No matter who's behind it, Scooby and the gang are all over this Merry Mystery.

Rating: A comically large sandwich%

(Image from Logopedia)

The Twelve Lies of Christmas

I bought the Woody Woodpecker and Friends Holiday Favorites DVD thinking it would feature some classic Woody Woodpecker cartoons from a bygone era. Instead it's got a couple of episodes of The New Woody Woodpecker Show from the late 90s/early 2000s. Boo-urns. There's also a few old theatrical shorts on there, but a bunch of them don't even feature Woody Woodpecker or Chilly Willy or any of those other Walter Lantz characters that I can barely give two shits about. Being up against a self-imposed deadline, I opted to watch "The Twelve Lies of Christmas," an episode of the aforementioned New Woody Woodpecker Show. Bore-ring. Sure, it's got Billy West and Mark Hamill doing some of the voices, but that's about all it's got going for it. Plot-wise, it's basically a riff on Rashomon, with a bunch of characters arguing about which one of them was responsible for saving Santa from some kidnappers the previous year. Fuck you, Woody Woodpecker and Friends Holiday Favorites DVD, you piece of shit.

Rating: Too Harsh?%

(Image from tvshowsondvd.com)

Children of the Corn (2009)

While this made for TV remake hits a lot of the same beats as the original film, there are a few stark contrasts between the two movies. Right off the bat: the married couple who stumble upon Gatlin and the killer kid cult therein. The couple in the original are a loving pair. We get to know them, get to like them and then we're afraid for them when they stumble into danger. The couple in the remake flat out hate each other, there is no reason that they should be travelling together at all. They do nothing but fight and scream at each other. Secondly: Isaac, the leader of the children's cult. In the original, Isaac was played by a character actor with a growth hormone deficiency. John Franklin, the actor, was in his mid twenties but had child like features which allowed him to be a particularly creepy presence. The remake cast an eight year child actor who sounds as though he learned his lines phonetically. The kid has zero presence or gravitas. They have him in short pants for fuck's sake. In the end though I will give the remake credit for having several on screen child kills.

Rating: 46%

Fun Fact: Kandyse McClure, who played Vicky, was also in the TV remake of Carrie.

(Image from Wikipedia)

Lake Placid 2

The Syfy channel is in the business of making garbage. For the most part this means combining various predatory animals with really bad CGI special effects and D grade actors. In the case of Lake Placid 2, Syfy shuttled Bo Duke and a handful of other actors off to Bulgaria in order to put together what is essentially a remake of the original Lake Placid, a process they would repeat at least twice more. Every aspect of the movie's production (ie: acting, directing, special effects, story, etc.) has been dialed back. It's as though someone at Syfy said: "You know that Lake Placid movie was really good. How can we piggyback off their success, but for a lot less money?"

Rating: 36%

(Image from ablogofhorror.com)

Ice Spiders

I don’t like to ski but for some reason I’m a sucker for movies based around skiing and ski resorts (Ski School, Better Off Dead, Hot Tub Time Machine, etc.), which explains, for the most part, why I ended up watching Ice Spiders. The movie, directed by Tibor Takács (The Gate), finds a sleepy ski resort preyed upon by giant, genetically engineered spiders. The CGI spider effects in this movie are pretty terrible, but that probably comes as no surprise. Stephen J. Cannell, who created dozens of TV shows including The A-Team, has a small part in the movie as the owner of the resort. As far as poorly made, low budget, made for TV horror/sci-fi movies go, Ice Spiders is definitely one of them.

Rating: Web of Death%

(Image from freecodesource.com)

Sea Beast

When you watch a bunch of shitty horror movies in a row, you start to evaluate them on a sliding scale. “Well, Sea Beast wasn’t very good but at least it was better than Octopus. So I guess that means it wasn’t a total waste of time.” Sea Beast stars Corin Nemec (TV’s Parker Lewis) as a down-on-his-luck fisherman plagued by little green aquatic monsters. The movie is quite similar to Humanoids from the Deep (which I can’t believe I haven’t already reviewed on this site) wherein a small fishing village is besieged by killer creatures from the sea. That said, Humanoids is an enjoyable B movie from the golden age of Roger Corman schlock while Sea Beast is more of a forgettable SyFy Original movie that hardly merits a rewatch.

Rating: Better than Octopus%

(Image from amazon.ca)

Another 12 Days of Christmas Specials: Prep & Landing

After wallowing in the woe that was ALF's Special Christmas, it was so nice to watch a nice, wholesome, entertaining Christmas Special like Disney's Prep & Landing. I'm guessing that Disney's ownership of Pixar helped tremondously in both the story and visual construction of this special. The character designs are fantastic and the story is well written, relaying a fast paced story that will appeal to kids but not make anyone over the age of 9 want to kill themselves. The special follows Wayne, one of Santa's elves in the Prep and Landing department (voiced by former Kids in the Hall member Dave Foley), who's feeling down after being passed over for a big promotion. Wayne is depressed over his failing career but the special does well not to dwell on it, we never come anywhere near ALF level misery here. So on the big night, Wayne and Lanny, Wayne's overly enthusiastic rookie partner, run in to some trouble prepping little Timmy's house and delightful (though predictable) hijinks ensue. I can honestly say that Prep & Landing was a nice, fun Christmas Special. One that I will likely revisit in the coming years.

Rating: A New Bike%

(Image from impawards.com)

12 Days of Christmas Specials - #4: A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All

Our hero, Stephen Colbert, is just getting ready to leave his cabin to go tape a Christmas special with Elvis Costello when he's confronted by a bear, trapping him inside his woodsy abode. While Stephen laments missing out on the preparations for his Christmas special, he's visited by a hunter (Toby Keith), the Fourth Wise Man (Willie Nelson), his old pal Jon Stewart, a forest ranger (John Legend), an angel (Feist), and there's even a special guest appearance from Santa Claus himself (George Wendt.) There's singing and dancing and eggnog and awkward encounters under the mistletoe. In the end, Stephen learns that there's no greater gift than the DVD of his very own Christmas special, which you can purchase right now at any fine retailer where DVD's are sold. So, if you love Christmas or Baby Jesus or America or anything else for that matter, you owe it to yourself to pick up your very own copy.

Rating: 9 Ladies Dancing%

(Image from justmanaging.com)

Michael & Michael Have Issues

Michael & Michael Have Issues was a short-lived comedy series from 2009 that featured Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter (both of The State, Stella, and Wet Hot American Summer). The conceit of the series was that it followed the lives of the two Michaels on and off the set of a sketch show they hosted called Michael & Michael. While not an entirely original premise for a series, the best moments on the show featured the Michaels being petty and horrible towards one another and their staff. Black and Showalter are both excellent performers of semi-improvised self-depricating humor. The series was cancelled after seven episodes.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)