The Sugar Cookies I Just Made

So I come home and think, I'm Betty Crocker, let's bake some sugar cookies! There's sugar cookie mix from Halloween '08, there's an egg, there's butter. But it's unsalted butter! In my infinite wisdom, I add salt, even though nothing about the recipe calls for salted butter, and they're called... what are they called again? OH YEAH, DUMB-ASS, SUGAR COOKIES. I decide measuring spoons are for suckers and salt the dough like nobody's business. I roll the balls of dough with care. They come out of the oven looking shapely and perfect and tasting like a salt lick. Like you accidentally swallowed a mouthful of ocean except for some reason the ocean was out of water that day. I cannot eat these cookies. No one can eat these cookies. I will scrape them off the cookie sheet and find some ponies who might like to lick them.

RATING: 11% (I ate two anyway)

This Fortune

When I was digging in my cabinets a minute ago I found an old fortune cookie and figured hey what the hell. Little did I know that this cookie contained some sort of bullshit metanarrative/ironic fortune. (Actually I only have the vaguest memory of all that literary theory nonsense from undergrad so I'm not really sure what this fortune is, but it certainly feels like bullshit.) This is totally unfair. Fortunes should strictly tell fortunes. I don't need it to tell me I'm nice, or that the sky is blue, or that life is all a crock of crap. Just tell me my fortune, you stupid cookie!

Post-Modern Cookie Fortunes: 5%
(Okay so it is a little funny)

$1 Gingerbread House

The biggest sign that something is seriously fucked with America is that you can't eat gingerbread houses. Give me a break! This is what we do to laugh in the face of the poor and starving countries out there, make delicious looking confectionery dwellings to wave in the face of children and then say eating is forbidden? That's total bullshit. It also probably didn't help that the house was bought for a dollar two and a half weeks after Christmas, but if it was new I would have liked to eat it, thank you very much.

RATING: 23%

Milk

Milk is a drink that comes out of the boobies of mammals. Most mammals stick to drinking milk their mothers produce when they are babies, but human beings decided one day in history to drink milk for always except not from humans from other animals. Milk is good as an ingredient, on cereal, or surrounding a cookie that one is about to eat. Milk is bad because most adults are actually lactose intolerant, but whatevs, you want me to drink Silk like a socialist hippie or something? Go back to France!

RATING: 72%

Peanut Butter Cookies

Peanut butter cookies end up getting a bad rap because a) they are not chocolate chip cookies. I guess that's the bad rap every cookie has to deal with, kind of like now every superhero movie will have to deal with not being The Dark Knight. Peanut butter cookies can be delicious, and when they have peanuts in them it's almost like a chocolate chip cookies, but they're just never going to close that cookie gap. No cookie is.

RATING: 68%