Anecdotes

Once, my girlfriend's grandfather (he's from rural Mississippi) came to visit us in Dallas. This was before caller-ID, cellphones, etc. And when he felt he had made it far enough into the city he found a payphone and called the house. Nobody was there, so he left a message: "I'm at the 7-Eleven. Come get me." Of course, there are about sixty 7-Eleven's in Dallas.


Oh, and this other time, when I was in College Station, two carnies asked me if they could borrow a couple of bucks. So I gave it to them, and the lady said, "Thanks. We're carnival folk, so you know we're good for it."


Rating: 60%

Marriage

HUSBAND staggers drunkenly into bathroom to urinate mid-coitus. Flushes toilet and falls backward into bathtub with a loud crash, pulling shower curtain and rod down on top of him.

HUSBAND: Ah!

NEIGHBOUR pounds on ceiling.

Enter WIFE.

WIFE (notes husband's legs protruding from over edge of tub): Hey! Are you OK?

HUSBAND (in small voice from underneath shower curtain): I need help!

Marriage isn't always easy, but it comes in handy at those times when you're drunk as shit and can't get your spotty 240 lb carcass back up out of the bathtub by yourself. Also, it's like having sex on tap, which comes in handy when you're bald and ugly.

RATING: 98%

(Image from wimminwiselpts.files.wordpress.com. Robyn is far too good for and to me.)

Valentime's Day

A lot of people hate Valentime's Day. Lots of single people hate it because it makes them feel like total losers who are going to die alone, and lots of married people hate it because they have to have sex, which isn't easy on a full stomach. But I think single people should appreciate Valetime's Day as a reason to get really drunk and have a good cry, which is something people don't do enough. And married people should be happy about the sex, because otherwise the only ones getting laid would be teenage girls, rock stars, and people on welfare.

RATING: 84%

(Image from deviantart.com.)

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

I went to this movie looking for one thing and one thing only--to see lots of werewolves fighting vampires. I didn't (and still don't) care about the complicated back story, or the love story, or any of the "lore," and I didn't need this movie to change my life. All I wanted was to see some werewolves tearing apart some vampires and vice versa. And with that expectation in mind, I was not disappointed. With the exception of one particularly laughable angel sex* scene and spurts of talking that were really just there to move the plot onto the next fight, it was mostly fighting, and that suits me just fine.

Rating: 86% (Within the context of my expectations, mostly awarded for violence.)

*Angel sex is the term I use for those campy other worldly sex scenes that you find in movies. The best example comes from the movie Wall Street, where we see Charlie Sheen and Daryl Hannah acrobatically get it on silhouetted in front of a giant picture window overlooking the Manhattan skyline while Native American flute music plays in the background.