Black Christmas (2006)

2006's Black Christmas takes the premise of the original 1974 film, amps up the violence, expands the backstory and fails to create much in the way of suspense. It ends up being a fairly standard post-Scream slasher from the early 2000s. It's clear that the filmmakers had a lot of affection for the original film but, for whatever reason, the end result is somewhat unnecessary. The killer's backstory is gratuitous in a number of ways and might be the worst part of the movie. But, it's not all bad. The performances are all well done, some of the twists work, some of the kills are cool, and it was nice to see Andrea Martin in the film.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Oftentimes in Rankin/Bass specials, Santa Claus is depicted as being somewhat temperamental. In 1974's 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, a skeptical letter to the editor pisses Santa off to the point where he turns his back on the entire town of Junctionville. All of the town's letters to Santa get returned unopened and the townsfolk start freaking out. To get back into Santa's good graces, local clock maker Joshua Trundle convinces the town to build a giant singing clock that will play a special song for Santa at the stroke of midnight on Christmas Eve. By Rankin/Bass standards, that's a fairly straightforward narrative. Did I mention that the clock maker has a mouse apprentice? And it was the mouse's son who wrote the letter that pissed Santa off?

Rating: A Clock%

(Image from IMDB)

Home Alone

A few years ago, my sister decided to show Home Alone to her kids. They loved it, which is hardly surprising. Home Alone is a rollicking power fantasy for children. She did, however, have to explain to them what a VHS tape was. Ah, the passage of time. Watching the movie again, for the first time in many years, I appreciated how well the premise was set up. There’s a lot going on in that first act, but it’s very well executed. Kevin comes off a little brattier than I remembered, which makes sense because I was probably around the character’s age when I last watched the movie. I won’t lie, I got a little misty eyed when John Candy showed up. His scenes with Catherine O’Hara were definitely a highlight for me. The movie squeezes in a lesson about the importance of family, but it’s never cloying or maudlin.

Rating: 78%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: John Heard and Daniel Stern were both in C.H.U.D.

John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together

The Muppets did two tv specials with John Denver: 1983's Rocky Mountain Holiday and 1979's John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together. A Christmas Together has never been released on home video. It's fallen into that murky grey market of television curiosities from the 1970s. I like to think that dorky Muppet fans (much like myself) are drawn to the special much like Star Wars diehards are drawn to the Star Wars Holiday Special. Having seen both, I feel like I can definitively say that John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together is better than the Star Wars Holiday Special. A Christmas Together isn't anything amazing but it has its moments. My only real complaint is that it's more of a John Denver special than a Muppets special. The Muppets are featured extensively, but it really feels like it's a John Denver special first and foremost.

Rating: Wooden Soldiers%

(Image from Amazon)

A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

By the time "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas" aired in 2001, Family Guy had already survived one cancellation and was a few months away from being cancelled for a second time. If you weren't a regular viewer back in the day, you might not even be aware of the show's past scheduling woes. Especially since Family Guy is currently in the midst of its 21st season. "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas" finds the Griffins in the midst of the holiday rush. Lois is determined to have a nice family Christmas but Peter's laziness and the machinations of the plot leave the family with no gifts, no turkey and a burnt up Christmas tree. Luckily, some Christmas cheer and a high powered tranquilizer dart set everything straight again. And a Merry Freakin' Christmas was had by all.

Rating: Plutonium%

The Cabbage Patch Kids First Christmas

After learning about Christmas, the Cabbage Patch Kids decide to leave the secret cabbage patch and head into the big city to see the Christmas Spirit for themselves. They're followed by the evil Lavender MacDade and her henchmen, Beau Weasel and Cabbage Jack. At first, Lavender wants to capture the Cabbage Patch Kids and put them to work in her mine. Once she reaches the city, Lavender then decides that the kids could become her own little pickpocket army. While trying to evade Lavender and her goons, the Cabbage Patch Kids meet Jenny, a lonely orphan. The Cabbage Patch Kids then make it their mission to find Jenny a new home. In 1984, when this special first aired, sales of Cabbage Patch Kids dolls and merchandise were over two billion dollars worldwide. The market was clearly white hot for all things Cabbage Patch Kids related. According to Wikipedia, when this special aired, it was the top-rated show in its time slot. Watching it now, nearly forty years later, it seems like the people behind the special knew that they could put anything on the screen and it would have been a success. There were definitely a number of things in the special that didn't make any sense to me. Why wasn't Xavier taking better care of the Cabbage Patch Kids? Why were Lavender and her thugs able to shapeshift? Did Colonel Casey get offended when the Kids cooked a turkey? Why did I watch this?

Rating: A Wallet%

(Image from IMDB)

Jolly Old St. Dick

I definitely watched 3rd Rock from the Sun for a chunk of its six season run back in the day, but very little of it has stayed with me in the years since. I've actually tried to revisit the series after seeing it pop up on various streaming services, but I found the show's aggressive laugh track to be distracting. However, while watching "Jolly Old St. Dick," I couldn't help but appreciate the show's pacing and jokes per minute ratio. With the four main characters each getting a plot thread, plus appearances from half a dozen supporting characters, it's a wonder that the show wasn't a jumbled mess. As a youngster, I was in a school play about aliens coming to Earth and learning the true meaning of Christmas, so it was especially nostalgic for me to watch this episode where the alien leads get to be confused, excited, frustrated and ultimately delighted by the whole Christmas experience.

Rating: Travel Mug%

It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown

You might be surprised to learn that there have been at least four Peanuts Christmas specials. I know I was. But after watching It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown, I can understand why this fact isn't more well known. That's not to say that It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown is bad, it's just nowhere near as good as the perennial A Charlie Brown Christmas. It's Christmastime Again doesn't have much of a story. It feels like a lot of disjointed vignettes that have been haphazardly collected. It's also lacking in memorable songs and iconography. There's nothing in this special that really stands out. Nothing that makes it especially special.

Rating: Gloves%

Christmas is Where the Heart Is

Carl and Steve head out to do some last minute shopping on a stormy Christmas Eve after Carl accidentally destroys the crystal music box he bought for Harriette. On their way home from the mall, Carl and Steve get stuck on the subway after the power goes out. Steve's efforts to improve everyone's mood with singing and Christmas cheer are initially met with condemnation and (sitcom appropriate) threats of violence. "Christmas is Where the Heart Is" is mainly focused on Carl, Steve and the other stranded passengers. The rest of the Winslow family, at least those still on the show, are featured but have little involvement in the story. And, sadly, Waldo Geraldo Faldo is once again absent.

Rating: 20 Pound Dumbbell%

Batman Returns

I don't know if Batman Returns is necessarily the best super hero movie set at Christmas but it's easily the horniest one. It's also Burton AF. If 1989's Batman was a super hero movie with some Tim Burton flair, Batman Returns was a Tim Burton movie with some super hero elements tossed into the mix. Apparently, after the success of 1989's Batman, Burton only agreed to make the sequel if he was given a lot more creative control over the production. And, after rewatching the movie, I'd say he got it. At one point, there's a shot where the camera glides over the Penguin's abandoned amusement park lair and you can't help but think that was Tim Burton's whole reason for making the movie. The acting is good all around, with Michelle Pfeiffer delivering a particularly impressive multi-layered performance. Overall, Batman Returns feels like a more fully realized Batman movie than its predecessor.

Rating: 72%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Legend of Frosty the Snowman

Everything is exactly as it should be in the town of Evergreen. Then, one day, an old silk hat blows into town. Suddenly, children are breaking curfew and horsing around. Rumors of a magical snowman begin to circulate. Civil unrest starts to foment. It's up to little Tommy Tinkerton to discover the truth behind the legend of Frosty the Snowman. Of all the Frosty specials I've seen so far, I probably hated this one the least. At just over an hour, it's too long. Thankfully, the animation looks good, the voice acting is on point and there aren't a ton of annoying songs. To date, The Legend of Frosty the Snowman is the last sequel to the original Rankin/Bass Frosty the Snowman special. So, Happy Birthday to me, I guess.

Rating: Corn%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Christmas with the Addams Family

I guess the joke with the Addams Family, at least in the original TV version, is that despite their odd proclivities, they're actually a very close, loving family. Case in point, in "Christmas with the Addams Family," after a neighbor tells Wednesday and Puglsey that there's no Santa, the rest of the family fall all over themselves getting dressed up as Old Saint Nick to preserve the children's innocence. That's standard family sitcom fare through and through. Sure, the characters reference having a two-headed cousin, but that's just window dressing on an otherwise ordinary plot. I grew up watching reruns of The Addams Family, so I found this particular episode charming. It probably won't inspire any memes, like the new Wednesday series on Netflix, but the original series is still bewitching.

Rating: Bow and Arrows%