George and the Christmas Star

While decorating his Christmas tree, George decides that no ordinary star will be good enough. So he builds a spaceship in his backyard and sets off to capture the brightest star in the night sky. Along the way he meets a singing robot, gets pulled over by the cops, gets captured by pirates, meets a girl and takes a ride on Santa's sleigh. It's an odd little journey. The animation style is a mishmash of Terry Gilliam, Heavy Metal and The Wizard of Id. The music is great and the special has a quirky tone.

Rating: Friendship%

A Cosmic Christmas

Stop me if you've heard this one before. A young boy encounters three wise aliens who have come to Earth to discover the true meaning of Christmas. The young boy and his pet goose, Lucy, take the aliens all around town trying to show them the reason for the season. Mostly, they just encounter people being shitty to one another. I guess some things never really change. Eventually, all the townsfolk come together to rescue our lead and a punk-ass goose thief after they fall through the ice on a lake. The aliens, content that they finally understand the true meaning of Christmas, take off and everyone in town has a rip-roaring house party.

Rating: Goose Sweater%

(Image from Nelvana.com)

12 More Days of Christmas Specials: The Christmas Raccoons

This one is probably a bit obscure for any of my non-Canadian brethren out there. The Raccoons was a cartoon series that ran from 1985 to 1991 on the CBC. The series was preceeded by a number of television specials, the first being The Christmas Raccoons. The show and the Special had a bit of an evironmentalist agenda, every week the Raccoons faced off against Cyril Sneer, an aardvark industrialist bent on maximizing profits whilst destroying the Evergreen Forest. Since the Christmas Special was the first ever adventure for the Raccoons it mostly just introduces the main cast of characters. The Raccoons bump heads with Sneer for the first time after the aardvark cuts down their home for lumber. And when I say they bumped heads, it's pretty much what actually happened. The Raccoons are only able to stop Sneer from clear cutting the forest after they beat him up. And who says all Canadians are friendly?

Rating: 75%

(Image from gilsinan.com)

Wayne Robson

It's a sad day for fans of Canadian character actors, Wayne Robson has passed away. Robson got his start with a couple of small roles in some Robert Altman films and would eventually go on to be a part of countless films and television shows made in and around Canada. Mr. Robson was also a veteran of the stage and a voice-over artist, having provided the voice of Professor Calculus in the English language version of The Adventures of Tintin cartoon series from the early nineties. He may remembered most fondly, by Canadians at least, for having portrayed the character of ex-con Mike Hamar for several seasons on The Red Green Show. He will be missed.

Rating: Keep your stick on the ice%

(Image from watt-up.blogspot.com)

Hockey

The Canadian adored sport has the low scoring of futbol, the concussionivity of football and all the white people you could ever want. Hard to keep with the puck sometimes. No dunks.

Rating: 40%

Zellers

Once upon a time (aka the 1980s), Zellers was a major player in the discount department store game in Canada. They were the Wal-Mart of their day, until, that is, Wal-Mart expanded into Canada. Nowadays, Zellers stores are like ghost towns, virtually devoid of customers and staff. You can still occasionally find some decent deals at Zellers, but good luck finding a cashier to sell you anything. You know the old service industry joke, "this job would be great if it weren't for the customers"? Well, if you happen to work at a Zellers store, then you're living the dream.

Rating: Dollar Daze%

(Image from dealcetera.com)

Dig by I Mother Earth

I was reminded of this album the other day when their song "Levitate" became available for download for the game Rock Band. Unlike Bootsauce, I Mother Earth was an early 90s Canadian band that actually had listenability and a really great first album. I listened to this CD basically a million times in high school, but popping it in the other day it held up pretty well. Their second album, Scenery and Fish, is terrible in every single way, but for some reason Allmusic gives it a good grade, so the lesson is come here for your arbitrary ratings first. I mean, at least at a rate of two or three times a month.

RATING: 77%

Maury Chaykin

Maury Chaykin (1949-2010) was a character actor who worked extensively in film and television over the last 35 years. Though born in America, Chaykin started his acting career in Canada and would go on to do countless Canadian films and television shows. Chaykin is part of the "oh hey, it's that guy" school of character actors, having been in more than 150 movies and television shows but never having gained serious name recognition outside of movie geek circles. You may remember Chaykin as the witness in My Cousin Vinny who says the line "No self-respecting southerner uses instant grits."

Rating: Take pride in your grits%

(Image from aveleyman.com)

Live at the El Mocambo

Live at the El Mocambo is a live album recorded by Elvis Costello and the Attractions at the El Mocambo Tavern in Toronto in 1978. In the 1970's, the El Mocambo Tavern was a popular spot for bands, a number of whom recorded live albums there (See also: The Rolling Stones' Love You Live and April Wine's Live at the El Mocambo). Costello's Live at the El Mocambo was originally issued in 1978 as a heavily bootlegged promotional album, then reissued in 1993 as part of a box set and then reissued again in 2009 as part of the "Costello Show" series of archival live recordings. The El Mocambo recording, renowned among Elvis Costello fans, features energetic performances of songs primarily from Costello's first two albums. The 2009 reissue also restores some of Costello's stage banter which was absent from the 1993 reissue, including a speech where Costello informs the audience that he and the band have come from England to reclaim Canada.

Rating: 88%

(Image from amazon.ca)

Donairs

The donair is a Canadian variation of the Turkish döner kebab. Rolled in a pita, the donair is filled with beef (cooked on a vertical spit), lettuce, onions and tomatoes and is covered with a sweet sauce. Having been introduced to Canada sometime in the 1970s, the donair has become increasingly popular over the last few decades, especially in Atlantic Canada. Though similar to the American gyro, the donair is not likely to contain any lamb meat and its sauce is derived from milk and vinegar, whereas a gyro's sauce is most likely either sour cream or tzatziki. Though photographic evidence would suggest otherwise, the donair is a tasty Canadian delicacy.

Rating: 85%

(Image from chowtown.wordpress.com)

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #24: Merry Christmas Everybody

I was shoveling snow at work today when one of my co-workers played a snippet of Stompin' Tom Connors' "Merry Christmas Everybody" over the two-way radio. I was kind of surprised because I had never heard the song before and I consider myself somewhat of a casual fan of Stompin' Tom. For those not in the know (i.e. anyone who is not Canadian), Stompin' Tom Connors is a prolific Canadian folk/country singer. Having acquired the nickname for his tendency to stomp his foot to keep the rhythm while playing. Stompin' Tom is also known for his extensive discography which include such favorites as "The Hockey Song" and "Bud the Spud."

Rating: Turkey and mashed potatoes%

(Image from amazon.ca)

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #21: Reggae Christmas

Five words: Bryan Adams' "Reggae Christmas," wow. While doing this Christmas song project I've listened to and watched videos for quite a few different songs, all of varying quality. However, I don't think I was quite prepared for Bryan freaking Adams' "Reggae Christmas." Initially, I thought I'd just make some jokes about Bryan Adams' being inspired to record the song while he was high (see also: Paul McCartney's "Wondeful Christmastime"). But then I saw the video, three and a half minutes of Pee Wee Herman in a horrible dread wig dancing around an MTV studio while Bryan Adams and his band mime playing the song on stage. Wow.

Rating: My mind is blown%

(Image from musicvideosthatsuck.com)

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #16: The Twelve Days of Christmas

Released on their 1981 album The Great White North, Bob and Doug McKenzie's version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" has since become the definitive version of the classic Christmas song. It's a real beauty, eh? I mean, you can't even turn on the CBC these days without hearing it between hockey games. I was going down the road the other day to get a two four of Molson, right, and some buddy was like, "hey, you ever hear the version of "Twelve Days of Christmas" with John Denver and the Muppets?" And I was like, "take off, you hoser." That's a true story, eh.

Rating: Beer and back bacon%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Head Bunt

Unless you're a goat or a calf, it's headbutt. You moron.

RATING: Samsquanch%

(Image from farm1.static.flickr.com.)

The Yellow Card

In the drinking world, if you're flashed a yellow card, you're being cautioned that maybe you should get down off the coffee table and stop kicking drinks and empties across the room while singing Frank Sinatra's "My Way." If you do get awarded a yellow card, don't fret, because you have another chance. However, two yellow cards (which is the equivalent of a red card) means you are out of the game, and you will no longer be allowed to roll smokes on the TV tray or pass out on the dirty mattress on the living room floor.

RATING: Scandalous%

(Image from reemergent.wordpress.com.)

Selection Lager

Selection Lager is a socialist triumph. It's financed by New Brunswick taxpayers and is partially exempt from our "socially responsible" pricing laws that force other beer companies to sell their beer at a certain price in order to ensure that only fancy people with jobs can afford to be alcoholics. I probably won't get it again, not because I'm appalled by my government's decision to compete with its own people at an unfair advantage funded directly by my tax dollars, but because it tastes like the urine of a well hydrated anorexic person.

RATING: 14%

(Image from canadianbeernews.files.wordpress.com.)

Fire And Ice: The United States, Canada And The Myth Of Converging Values by Michael Adams

The main problem with this book, which uses statistical analysis of social trends in the United States and Canada to examine the differences in each culture, is probably the problem with a lot of books written out of studies: it feels as though it could have been a nice, taut twenty page article that's been stretched out to (barely) book length to increase marketability. Sure, Adams' prose is entertaining, but he travels in circles for 146 pages and reuses the same analogies over and over (I think he compared American inner cities to Blade Runner at least five times). The basic message is this: American society is spiraling ever deeper into a crime ridden nihilistic society that believes self pleasure is the ultimate achievement whereas Canadian society is already a utopia in which every citizen is holding hands and doing their best to make it even more of a utopia. I agree with a lot of what Adams says in the book, but whenever he strays from numerical analysis into his own bizarre form of synthesis it sort of seems as though he's interpreting American society from the movies they make he complains are poisoning the Canadian youth. He often sounds less like a statistician and more like somebody's crotchety grandfather who wishes kids wouldn't play so many of those violent Nintendon games. Who knows, though, I haven't lived in Canada for 15 years, maybe it has turned into a multicultural heaven totally void of racial or economic strife of any form.

RATING: 38%

The New Hockey Night In Canada Theme

If there's one thing you should know about Canadians, it's that we're cheap bastards when it comes to sports. We couldn't keep the Nordiques. We couldn't keep Gretzky. We can't afford the Montreal Grand Prix. Worst of all, CBC, despite being the greatest television network in the world, couldn't even cough up the money to hang onto the famous Hockey Night in Canada theme that they've been using since 1968. Fortunately, the new theme is pretty awesome too--we Nova Scotians are suckers for bagpipes. I hear in the version broadcast in Ontario, you can hear a cash register go ching-ching right when everyone throws their arms up and shouts, "Hey!" (In the Alberta version, there aren't even any hockey players, just a bunch of coked up rig pigs beating a prostitute.)

RATING: 79%, which is a B+ where I'm from.

(Image from www.hockesportswagers.com.)

Patrick Roy

As a kid I liked the Avalance and the Blackhawks. I don't know why, but probably because their teams were good on NHL 'XX. Anyway, I especially liked Patrick Roy of the Avalance, and that's probably because his last name is pronounced "Waugh" (if you don't live in Houston or know his name already that didn't help at all). Once Roy allowed like a ton of goals against Detroit when he played for Montreal. I felt really bad for him because he's actually totally awesome. I feel stupid because I asked Glenn if Roy is still playing for the Avalanche, but he retired in 2003. In conclusion, all Canadians (Glenn and John) should strive to be as badass as Roy.

RATING: 81%

Pomegranate Phone

The Pomegranate has everything: web browser, MP3 player, voice translator, electric razor, harmonica, coffee maker, and a whole lot more. I strongly recommend checking out this link--even the music is great! I'm going to buy, like, 5 of them once I get back to Nova Scotia, just as soon as I get that rusty old stove out of my yard.

RATING: 88%

(Image from www.pomegranatephone.com.)