Martyrs

Hey, do you like feeling good about yourself and life? If not, then this movie is for you. It is about the same thing every French horror movie post 2000 is about - horrible suffering and pain with no relief (although this one is actually about that, physically and philosophically). France is an interesting country because people from there will always talk about what awful savages Americans are but then they ban mosques from the whole country or make violent garbage like this where non-white girls get tortured to death. In conclusion France has the Louvre but remember that liking Western art is admitting complicity with imperialism you dumb duck!

RATING: TOOMUCHGRADSCHOOL%

(Alternate ending here)

A Month of Ill-Fated Consumer Products #3: The Wine Rack

The Wine Rack is a sports bra that you can fill with wine. While it's a clever idea, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that the target market maxed out the credit card long ago and now diverts most of its income to trailer payments and crystal meth. Also, while I'm admittedly no expert in such matters, I suspect the presentation might be a little, uh, sexist.

RATING: 40%

(Image from www.baronbob.com.)

Sezme Brand Sesame Snaps

Sesame Snaps are the best thing to come out of Poland since Jan Sobieski bested the wily Turk at the Battle of Vienna in 1529 (sorry, Glenn). Unlike Da Ali G Show, they make your teeth hurt in a good way.

RATING: 91%

(Image from groceryhomedelivery.ca.)

As You Like It

All the world's a stage, and Shakespeare's most indomitable heroine is a woman playing a man playing a woman, played by a man. Still, it's kinda sexist that the women get married instead of becoming CEO's, and no one passes a law saying Rosalind can marry Celia or Phoebe if she wants, so I guess the Bard was a pretty big bastard after all.

RATING: Martha Stewart%

(Image from www.mythicjourneys.org.)

Sausage Parties

Sausage parties are what you call it when a bunch of heterosexual men get together and do something utterly lacking in sex appeal, like sitting in the Pub O' Love at the Flying Saucer eating chicken and telling each other to fuck off, or posting a bunch of hypothetical reviews of comics, beers, meat and Great Lakes on some hypothetical blog that hypothetically has female posters who don't write as many hypothetical posts as their hypothetical male co-posters. Sure, they might be hypothetically in the middle of law school exams or some big shot hypothetical ****** of some hypothetical fancy pants ******* or whatever, but that doesn't change the fact that Chris, Glenn, etc. make one's testicles want to crawl back up into one's body and commit suicide. Wo-men need to make time for trivial, vulgar indolence too. It's not like it's gonna get any easier when you guys have babies.

RATING: 37%, or maybe just sexist%

(Image from www.demondg1.com.)

Halloween

Halloween is the best holiday, except it's total bullshit that you don't get off work or school for it. It's great because there are skeletons and gory things on every wall, from the Mexican restaurant down the street (although if they have a really scary life size rotting bride and groom set it might get taken down, just saying), to Target, the new Wal-Mart. You can use it as an excuse to watch a lot of horror movies and nobody will think there is something wrong with you like usual. Halloween candy is not as good as Easter candy, because it's all just miniature regular candy, but you can get major deals on November 1 if you didn't pledge to stop eating candy like I did. One especially creepy thing about Halloween is if you go to a costume store and walk through the kids section, the little girls costumes are extraordinarly slutty. How old is that pumpkin girl supposed to be, anyway? If the Exorcist doesn't creep you out, I'm sure that will, so you're welcome!

RATING: 93%

Wedding Crashers

This is the most boring, unfunny, misogynist piece of shit movie I have ever had the misfortune of watching. It frightens me that men love this movie. Boooo.

Rating: 0%