Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers - The Producer's Cut

aka Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers

The Producer's Cut of Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers was an early version of the film that bombed badly with test audiences. It was scrapped in favor of reshoots. Even though the Producer's Cut does a much better job of explaining the movie's plot than the theatrical version, it doesn't make for a better version of the movie, just a more coherent one. Most of the scenes involving the Thorn cult and its mythology were changed or removed altogether for the theatrical cut. In the Producer's Cut, Jamie survives her encounter with Michael after escaping from Smith's Grove. We get to see an extended flashback of her being impregnated, where we also learn that Michael is the baby's father. So, incest. After that, Jamie gets murdered in the hospital by the Thorn cult's shadowy leader. The other main difference between the two versions comes in the third act. In the Producer's Cut, after jumping out of a window in the Myer's house, Kara wakes up tied to a sacrificial alter. Tommy is able to rescue Kara and Danny from the cult. During their escape, Tommy uses runes to trap Michael. Loomis goes back into the sanitarium to "take care of business" only to find that Michael has escaped. In the theatrical cut, Kara wakes up in a locked room. Tommy breaks her out, they find Danny and the baby, Michael kills most of the Thorn cult members, Tommy and Michael get into a fight, Tommy beats the shit out of Michael with a pipe and the good guys escape. When Loomis goes back into the sanitarium, he finds only Michael's mask. We hear Loomis's screams and we have to assume that Michael has killed him. I say we have to assume because, of course, Donald Pleasance died before the reshoots took place and therefore not much of his performance could be changed. There are more scenes with Pleasance in the Producer's Cut, with many of them centered around Jamie's character clinging to life after Michael's attack. A lot of the other performances were reshot, mostly for the better, and the film's score is almost completely different. The score in the Producer's Cut is better but is still pretty weak. It's essentially a watered-down version of John Carpenter's original score. Ultimately, most of the differences between the two versions are superficial and inconsequential. The Producer's Cut is, by no means, a lost classic or some horror Holy Grail.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Christmas Show

I used to have trouble sleeping on Christmas Eve when I was a kid. I would be so excited for Christmas morning that I would toss and turn all night. I would check the alarm clock over and over again, counting down the hours until I was allowed to get up. One year, in an effort to alleviate my yuletide insomnia, I decided to sneak in some late night TV. But because it was either the late eighties or early nineties, my options were limited. I ended up watching a few episodes of I Love Lucy that night. I hated it. It was worse than the insomnia. It never really stood a chance though. I was a kid, all jacked up on Christmas, and it was a black and white TV show that was already very old at the time. And, up until I watched "The I Love Lucy Christmas Special" DVD, that was the last time I intentionally watched the show. Seeing it this time around, as a middle aged man, proved to be much more enjoyable. The special, which originally aired in 1956, featured Lucy, Ricky, Fred and Ethel reminiscing about the good times while trimming the tree on Christmas Eve. Those good times being, of course, flashbacks to earlier episodes. Despite thinking I would hate it, just like I did when I was a kid, I actually found it charming and wholesome. The theatricality of the show and goofy, slapstick humor really worked for me this time around. Go figure.

Rating: Train Set%

The Christmas Invasion

During the classic run of Doctor Who there was really only one instance of the show acknowledging Christmas, and the canonical status of that episode has been heatedly debated ever since. In the middle of the now mostly lost serial The Daleks' Master Plan was an episode called "The Feast of Steven." That particular episode was a complete diversion from the main story, to the point where it wasn't even sold to foreign distributors along with the rest of the serial and thus will likely never be recovered. It aired on Christmas Day in 1965 and at the end of the episode William Hartnell, the First Doctor, turned to the camera and wished everyone at home a Merry Christmas. No one knows for sure if this was part of the script or if Hartnell was merely ad libbing, as it was apparently common practice for BBC shows airing on Christmas Day to directly address the audience. This breaking of the fourth wall has been a thorn in the side of fans who feel the need to understand and justify the show's various disruptions in continuity.

All of this is just a long winded way of saying that when the show was revived in 2005, the idea of a special Christmas episode probably wasn't something anyone was expecting. The revived show initially starred Christoper Eccleston as the Ninth Doctor, though it wasn't very long into his run when it was announced that David Tennant would be taking over the role. The Christmas Invasion was Tennant's first adventure as the Doctor, even though (much like Jon Pertwee) he spent most of that first adventure in bed. The Tenth Doctor, who would go on to become probably the most popular Doctor of the revival series, got a great introduction in this special. He comes off as a real goofball with a deadly serious side. In the end, he chooses to spend Christmas Day with Rose and her family but only after he defeats the leader of an alien invasion in a sword fight and then topples the British government. 

Rating: Not bad for a man in his jim jams%

(Image from Youtube)

Halloween II - The Television Cut

There once was a time when you couldn't put nudity, violence, profanity or drug use on television. There were only a few stations back then and even fewer shows than we have access to now. Sometimes those stations would want to show movies. But if the movie they wanted to show featured any scenes of nudity, violence, profanity or drug use, those scenes had to be edited. This was often done very poorly. Nobody knows why. Take for instance, Halloween II. The Television Cut of Halloween II edits or removes every scene from the film that featured nudity, violence, profanity or drug use. You may be thinking, "Wouldn't this ruin the movie, seeing as it's a horror movie and horror movies are pretty much required to have scenes with nudity, violence, profanity and/or drug use?" You'd be right, of course. It pretty much ruins the movie. "Then why would you watch the Television Cut of Halloween II?" you might ask. Well, due to the fact that the movie was going to be much shorter without all of the nudity, violence, profanity and drug use, a number of additional scenes were added to the Television Cut. They're mostly additional scenes of dialogue between the hospital staff. "Was anything cool added?" Nope. "Is it worth going out of my way to see this version of the movie?" No, not really.

Rating: 45%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Mind Robber

The Mind Robber is an odd duck. Much like the holodeck episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, it's essentially science-fiction via fantasy. At the end of the previous serial, our heroes find themselves in the path of a volcanic eruption. In their haste to escape, Jamie forces the Doctor to use an "emergency unit" which moves the TARDIS outside of the time/space dimension. Once they've landed, the Doctor and his companions initially find themselves in an empty void. One by one, the crew are tempted into venturing outside into the unknown. Soon enough, they discover that they've been transported to a realm populated by characters from popular fiction and creatures from myth. Eventually the Doctor realizes the he and his friends are being tested by some mysterious central power.

Apparently The Mind Robber was not particularly well received in its day. Some felt that it was too light and childish. That reaction is understandable when you remember that, despite being a program for children, this was still a show where people were killed in almost every episode. The Mind Robber seems to be received much more favorably now, simply because it is such a diversion from the standard Doctor Who story of the time. The main cast are all in fine form here. Zoe gets plenty of opportunities to unleash her terrific scream. She also spends the entire serial wearing a sparkly cat suit. I'll refrain from making any lecherous comments about said cat suit, unlike nearly everyone who is interviewed on The Mind Robber DVD's special features. Jamie is briefly replaced by another actor for two episodes after the actor, Frazer Hines, got chicken pox. The fantastical nature of the story allowed the show's writers and producers to work in a quick fix that didn't put too much of a strain on the plot. More noticeably, due to the production issues surrounding The Dominators, was that The Mind Robber had to be stretched out from four episodes to five. And while this resulted in shorter individual episodes overall, it did give us one of the best opening episodes to a serial since The Space Museum.

Rating: It's only the unknown that worries me%

The Massacre of St Bartholomew’s Eve

The Massacre of St Bartholomew’s Eve is a fairly straightforward historical serial. It starts out plainly enough with Steven and the Doctor arriving in France in the days before an epic wave of religious violence. After hitting up the nearest tavern, they decide to split up. The Doctor goes off to find an apothecary and then promptly disappears for the majority of the story. Steven ends up being the primary focus of this serial. He's oblivious to the events going on all around him even though he keeps bumping into and butting heads with all the key players. There's a nice fake out when William Hartnell (the actor who plays the First Doctor) comes in to the story playing another character, the Abbot of Amboise. At first it seems as though the Doctor has become a player in the central plot by disguising himself as one of the conspirators. But then the Abbot is killed and the Doctor shows up. It was just a big coincidence that the Doctor and the Abbot looked and sounded identical. After they're reunited, Steven pleads with the Doctor to help his new friends and intervene in the events unfolding around them but the Doctor refuses, saying that history cannot be changed. This leads to a big blow out between the two of them back on the TARDIS. Steven decides that he can no longer accompany the Doctor and gets off the TARDIS when they re-materialize. Being alone for the first time in a while, the Doctor has a good long mope about his former companions. And then, because the door was left open, in walks Dorothea "Dodo" Chaplet. The Doctor tries to shoo her away and then in runs Steven with the Police close behind. Quickly, the Doctor shuts the doors and fires up the TARDIS, making Dodo their newest travelling companion.

Rating: ___% (Rating Missing)

(Image from Wikipedia)

Tentacles

Italian genre films made in the 60s, 70s and 80s are a world unto themselves. They have their own inherent logic, cinematic language and tropes that often act as funhouse mirror reflections of those found in genre films made in North America. While there were plenty of original genre films made during Italy's golden years of schlock, North American genre fans like myself tend to be drawn to films that were blatant rip-offs of other (more successful) films. Hence my recent viewing of Tentacles, a Jaws rip-off from 1977. There were and continue to be a shit ton of movies made in an effort to cash-in on the success of Jaws, very few of them are any good. My main issue with Tentacles is that it did not feature enough tentacles. Most of the time that we see the film's killer octopus we're watching stock footage, which isn't particularly effective. Part of what made Jaws and some of its better imitators (Piranha, Alligator) so powerful was the combination of practical effects with limited stock footage. Tentacles overuses stock footage and scenes of real octopuses interacting with poorly made miniatures. There are only a handful of scenes in the movie with practical monster effects. One such scene, which happens about an hour into the film, features a woman being picked up out of the water by a giant tentacle, it's easily my favorite scene in the whole movie. There's a lot more of this movie worth dissecting, be it the cast (mostly classy American actors) or the score or the weird editing choices, but for the most part Tentacles just isn't interesting enough to warrant any significant investment of your time.

Rating: 51%

Fun Fact: Ovidio G. Assonitis, the director, would later write and produce Piranha II: The Spawning.

(Image from impawards.com)

Marco Polo

After finding themselves in the Himalayas in the 13th Century, our weary travellers are ever so politely taken captive by Marco Polo. Polo confiscates the TARDIS with intention of giving it to Kublai Khan as a gift. The Mongol Warlord Tegana, Marco Polo's travelling companion, launches a series of schemes in an attempt to steal the Doctor's "flying caravan" for himself. Along the way to see Kublai Khan the group encounter sand storms, sabotage, bandits, creepy caves, thieves and assassins.

Once upon a time (in this case the 1960s and 70s), broadcasters like the BBC used to erase, reuse and/or destroy audio and video materials after their initial use. Because of this, there are currently no known copies of any of the episodes that make up the Marco Polo serial. Most of the production audio still exists along with some stills from the episodes, which have allowed for various recaps and reconstructions of the serial. Though missing episodes are occasionally found and restored, a considerable number of the early serials are still lost.

Rating: __% (Rating Missing)

(Image from joe.siegler.net)

The Gingerdead Man

Going into The Gingerdead Man I knew that it was directed by Charles Band and released through his company Full Moon Features. So I was ready for a bad movie, one that probably wouldn't even be a "fun" bad movie. I was prepared to be underwhelmed and in that regard I was not disappointed. The movie's running time, minus credits, is 57 minutes. Gary Busey is on screen for approximately three of those minutes. Busey is also credited as the voice of the Gingerdead Man but I'm not entirely convinced he recorded all of the puppet's lines. I think they were going for Child's Play in a bakery but it's closer to something that might have been on a 90's horror anthology series like Goosebumps or Are You Afraid of the Dark? I do not recommend watching The Gingerdead Man. I briefly considered giving up horror movies for a while after watching it. I have since recovered.

Rating: 13%

(Image from bmovieshelf.blogspot.ca)

Wax Packs

I haven't collected trading cards since the mid-nineties, but after a recent nostalgia fueled eBay session I ended up with half a dozen unopened wax packs. Until the late eighties/early nineties, virtually all trading cards came in wax packages, often with a "bonus" stick of terrible, terrible gum that would often shatter in your mouth and cut the inside of your cheek when you tried to chew it. Since I was more of an indoorsy kid growing up, I was always interested in non-sports trading cards (Garbage Pail Kids, Dinosaurs Attack!, Wacky Packages, etc.) and my recent purchases definitely reflected that (no need to get into details, but let's just say I'm now the proud owner of a pack of Alf cards). While I have no interest in collecting full sets of classic cards, there's just something nice about holding a vintage wax pack in your hands. I told a friend recently about buying the wax packs and he asked, "What did you do with them?" I said, "Well, I took them out of the envelope, looked them over, and then put them away." He laughed, but I hardly regret the purchase.

Rating: 80s%

(Image from timemachinetoys.com)

Stanwell Bulldog Majestic

Every pipe smoker should own at least one bulldog, and pipe smokers of stockier build should probably have several. The Stanwell Majestic is a good choice: it's fairly light, at 1.3 ounces, it has a nice finish, and its bowl has a slight forward cant that says "I at least know what century I'm in." I have two reservations about this otherwise great pipe, and both involve the acrylic bit: the stem of the pipe is thin and brittle enough that I worry about breakage, and I'd hesitate to carry it in my pocket or bag without taking it apart first. Since the pipe has to cool for at least an hour after smoking before I can remove the bit, this is a pain in the ass. Also, the hard acrylic is resistant to wear but hurts my teeth, especially since it takes a firmer bite to hold a straight shanked pipe perpendicular to my face. This makes it tough to smoke while reading, typing, or holding a beer in each hand.

RATING: 89%

(Image from smokingpipes.com.)

Going To The Movies

As some of you may know, I always wanted to go into movie making, and have a love of film that runs pretty deep. Seeing a new movie in the theater, on the big screen with some great, loud sound is an experience I used to love - back in the day I used to go to the movies like three times a week. Well, now I have to say that going to the movies is now a guessing game as to how the fucking movie is going to be ruined. Will it be a low bulb the theater is trying to use to save money? Will it be a blown out sound system that nobody's even tried to fix since Jurassic Park? Will it be the twenty minutes of advertisements that start before the previews, like I'm not even allowed to have a civilized conversation with somebody anymore? These are all real problems, but chances are the audience is going to ruin the movie for me. Here's a list of things I'd like to stop in the movie theater. I'm sorry this is substantially longer than five sentences, but otherwise you guys would get a review for each of these things, and nobody wants that.

1 - Turn off your motherfucking cellphone. It tells you like five goddamn times before the movie even starts. If you are a huge enough asshole that you don't turn off your cellphone, for god's sake don't answer it. I'll punch you in the balls/cooter.

2 - Don't bring your baby, especially if it is not a movie for kids. I saw The Strangers, a movie about graphic murder, a few weeks ago, and not one but two couples had brought babies/toddlers to the movie. What the fuck! Isn't there an exam you have to pass to have a kid these days? Also, if you bring your kid and it starts crying, leave the fucking theater, or I will punch your kid and tell them there's no Santa/Jesus.

3 - Don't text message, or for that matter, don't open your phone at all during the movie. It's like a fucking police helicopter spotlight. It really takes the audience out of the movie mood and into the mood of wanting to kick your ass. Like what, you're the only person in here? Fuck you buddy!

4 - Please don't carry on a full conversation with your friend at normal speaking volume. Jesus Christ! This isn't your living room, prick. Did we lose a war?

5 - We can hear you in that little hall next to the seats, by the way. Sorry the kid ain't yours, pallie.

6 - Laser pointers? I'll point my finger into your goddamn eye socket.

In conclusion, buck up, America.

RATING: 35%