The Tommyknockers

 

A quiet New Zealand, erm, New England town gets turned all fliparoo whenever a lady digs up an ancient crashed spaceship, hypnotizing everyone into building inventions like laser lipsticks. It may be the worst Stephen King movie I've watched so far, but at least there's an alcoholic poet who tries to save the day.

RATING: 17%

The Dark Half

Star Trek: The Next Generation - "Shades of Gray"

Riker gets bit by a tree and suffers through an excruciating clip show as a result.

RATING: 1%

Enterprise S1E17 - "Rogue Planet"

Starts great, with a spooky rogue planet being able to support life, ends with a psychic slug.

RATING: 6%

Camp Slaughter

A Month Of Halloweenie Reviews #6

Speaking of camps at which people are slaughtered, the only thing I wanted slaughtered when I watched this movie was my eyes from my face. I'm not sure how this piece of video-shot garbaggio ended up on my Netflix list, but whatever I did to deserve it I'm sorry. The plot is 90 minutes of BAAARRRRFFFFFF in which some kids from 2005 end up transported back to a day in 1981 on which an entire camp full of teens was slaughtered, or in other words had fake blood sprinkled on them from off screen. Thumbs down, lamb pit.

RATING: 9%

The Incredible Hulk: Return Of The Monster

Bruce Jones' run on Incredible Hulk became legendary: eventually it was one of the most hated, consistently worst comics coming out, and he almost single handedly destroyed the franchise forever. But part of the reason people grew to hate it so much is that supposedly when it started it was a really well written comic, and received almost universal praise. Well, hate to break it to you, but whoever initially praised this piece of garbage was totally wrong, and I guess that includes me since I bought it for thirty fucking issues. The story is frustratingly facile, we barely ever even see the Hulk, and way too many people get shot in the head and then "surprisingly" come back to life. Oh well, only six more volumes to read.

RATING: 25% (all for the art)

Miracle Whip

Miracle Whip is a sweet, mayonnaise-type dressing consumed on sandwiches and in salads by people who fuck their cousins. What's scary is that there are diners other than Russians and burn victims who can't tell the difference.

RATING: 10% in a jar, 2% on a ham salad sandwich at the church picnic.

*shudder*

(Image from ninecooks.typepad.com. Look closely and it gets even worse.)

Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA

This is quite simply the worst beer in the universe. I ordered it at the Flying Saucer at my waitress' suggestion, and was immediately sorry I did. It tastes like Thunderbird, or Hermit's, or some other sugary bum wine--very sweet, with a bouquet of sour fruit and ethanol and a distinctly assy finish. I asked the waitress to take it away, because I didn't even want to look at it, let alone drink it. So you can imagine my consternation when I got my bill and discovered that this little bastard cost $12. Twelve dollars! For that kind of money, I expect a beer to be good and come in a diamond-encrusted goblet brought to the table in the fist of God himself.

RATING: 0%, actually more like -10%, because now when I drink Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA, It tastes kind of like the 120.

(Image from brainardbrewing.com. God damn, I'm hung over.)

The Thing That Should Not Be

ME (spitting into sink): Gross!

ROBYN: What?

ME: I don't know what's wrong with that fruit juice you got, but I just mixed some with ginger ale and it tasted really bad.

ROBYN: What fruit juice?

ME (opens fridge, points to white 1 litre tetra pack): That fruit juice.

ROBYN: That's chicken broth.

There are two morals to this story: Ceres fruit juice looks an awful lot like Swanson's chicken broth if you don't read the box; and chicken broth and ginger ale make a terrible afternoon drink.

RATING: Ceres 80%
Swanson's 70%
Ginger ale 90%
Ceres and ginger ale 95%
Chicken broth and ginger ale 0%


(Image from www.dkimages.com.)