Watermelons

The watermelon is a delicious, refreshing summer fruit filled with racism. The flesh and rinds come in many different colors, which is why I find their history so ironic. Most Northerners despise Southerners because of our affection for the watermelon. So why all the hate? Well, in the dark, cold North people are too busy with jobs, and living in cramped apartments with rats, instead of drinking cheap beer and sitting out on the porch. Hey, it's not my fault they can't ride bikes or swim, right? Check out a lot of the Mexican art depicting the afterlife. What the hell do you think that is they're eating? Watermelons. Skeletons love watermelons. Especially southern Mexican skeletons.

RATING: 77%

Action Moves

Everybody in America and on Earth likes cool Action Moves in the movies and on the tv. Action Moves are when a dude might jump from a pile of boxes onto a truck carrying poison in order to kick that poison peddler in the face, or maybe a girl does a spin-o-rama kick while shooting guns akimbo at a bunch of cybernetic werewolves who want to steal our children. Typically you only see Action Moves in fake things like films and shows, but once I was in a parking lot and this car was pulling out of a space, and I guess the driver forgot her Big Gulp was on the roof. It started to fall off the car but she reached out the window and caught it mid tumble, right side up. That's probably as close to a cool Action Move I'll get in real life, but whatevs, you live and learn, am I right Ladies?

RATING: 92%

Camouflage

Camouflage (or “Camo” for short) is one of many things rednecks and rappers have in common (one other commonality is handguns; I dare not list any others now that R3 is interested in fuckin’ “readership”). Its purpose is to “camouflage” someone or something from someone or something else. Its secondary purpose is to look totally badass and tuff-e-nuff. Usually one wears camouflage beginning in the fall—with the open of deer season—and quits wearing it in May—at the close of tom season. But some Americans (let’s call them oh say I don’t know Mississippians) view Camo as a year-round garb; some even go above and beyond the call of duty. And while I can’t stand rednecks (or the fact that ‘redneck’ is an acceptable term according to Microsoft Word, while ‘Camo’ and ‘camo’ are not); and while this really makes me insane; and while I don’t, and have never, and cannot anticipate ever wanting to hunt, I will admit to having some bizarre affection for seeing men and women and boys and girls don this material in early autumn. I’ve come to connect it with the time of year that leaves me nostalgic and sentimental--a little too drunk, a little too happy. So help me god, when I saw Miller’s camouflage tallboys this past October, I damn-near cried; I knew something good and sweet and short was oncoming.
Then some fatshit wearing these in July desecrated my temple.

(I’m more than ready to get my ass kicked for this post. You know us Norsemen: sentimental to the bone.)

(Image courtesy 'king Andrew, ca. Oct. 2008)
Rating: 58%

Condoms

Some of our very own reviewers have been told nasty lies about condoms by their "sex"-ed teachers. While that's unfortunate, I think it's even more unfortunate when people pretend they don't understand what condoms are for, or why it's good to use them. Guys who complain about condoms are one thing, but since I'll never be able to impregnate some chick and then whine because I don't want to dip into my Mac Air fund to pay for her abortion, I will focus on the girls who like to complain loudly and publicly how they hate condoms and omg never use them lol. First, this is like saying that you don't like having hugs zits on your nose. No duh. But I don't know if they advertise this in hopes that their Blackberries will suddenly start buzzing with offers of sex from guys too lame to want to suit up, or in hopes that denouncing condoms will make them sound really sex-positive and liberated. In truth, any smart girl that liberated should love her condoms. The brands and types of condoms at any drug store practically outnumber the lip balms; if you haven't found any that you like, chum, you haven't been looking hard enough. Sure, you can pop some penicillin for almost anything you pick up along the way, but there's nothing we can do yet about HPV. Without even pausing to think about it, I know of 5 women who have a precancerous type of HPV. So, without doing the math, that means that a shitload of women you know have it, too. One of these women is in her mid-20s and has already had to have a lot of painful scraping done to places that should never be scraped. That means that while we women are trying to be cute about how much we hate icky sticky condoms, we're disrespecting our poor cervices. And in the long run, your cervix will probably do more for you than will some guy who refuses to wear condoms. Cervix4eva! *

RATING: 85% *(condoms don't totally protect against HPV. Sucks!)