Star Trek: The Next Generation - "Future Imperfect"

Riker wakes up and it's sixteen years in the future, which he remembers none of, but let's get real it's all fake and we know it.

RATING: 75%

Enterprise S2E16 - "Future Tense"

Enterprise S2E16 - "Future Tense"

The crew finds a ship that's bigger on the inside than on the outside. No it's not the Tardis, it's some ship from the future.

RATING: 52%

West Point Uniforms

Holy shit! It's the 2009 graduating class of Starfleet Academy.



RATING: 80%



(Photo stolen from nytimes.com)

Batteries

Is your friend online somehow even though the power's out in his apartment? No, it's not the magic of Satan, he's using a battery--a thingie made of chemicals and other stuff that mixes all together to make electricity that you can use to torture your political enemies into signing false confessions or power a dildo shaped like a gun. You can put batteries in stuff that's really cool, like a sweet Ghostbusters ghostzapper, or you can use one in a Christmas-themed dog sweater with LED lights and undo in a single gesture everything our brave grandfathers fought and died to protect. In conclusion, *batteries not included was a dumb movie and also racist, so there you go.

RATING: 84%

(Image from www.hilaroad.com.)

Fallout 3

Fallout 3 is an action/RPG type game that takes place in the ruins of Washington DC 200 years after World War III. The game is really complex and detailed, like you have to figure out clues for missions by reading people's diaries and shit, and also you can change the path of the game by being a jerk and stealing/killing people or being nice if you want. This game took me two months of pretty solid gameplay to beat, but after all the buildup and exploration of this massive environment with hundreds of engageable characters (but only like 5 voice actors unfortunately), the end was a total letdown. Oh well, I guess any game in which you have to steal the Declaration of Independence back from a robot dressed as founding father Button Gwinnett can't be all bad.

RATING: 76%

(Not to make Viking Andrew feel bad about his Red Ring Of Death)

Mad Max

I was surprised that I'd never seen this movie before, but now that I've seen it I can say it's largely forgettable. Basically it is a car chase movie in which Mel Gibson plays Regular Max, a cop "A Few Years From Now..." who has to deal with gangs of punks and bikers. Then they kill his family and he turns into Mad Max and gets revenge. It's really well directed and looks amazing, especially considering it was an indie film, but the pacing is all askew and the movie has absolutely no direction until the last half hour or so. Anyway, if you like car chases there are a few good ones, and Mel Gibson is way baby face and says zero antisemitic things which is a plus.

RATING: 52%

The Dark Knight Returns

Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns is the definitive Batman story, the best superhero book ever written, and the 2nd best graphic novel/comic of all time. Published in 1986, the pit of the Reagan era, DKR imagines a contemporary Batman in his fifties who has been retired for ten years. Gotham is overrun by mutants who dress like bizarre funhouse versions of 80s punk rockers, news reporters who get giddy at any hint of violence or devastation, and a president (Reagan) who pushes the country to the brink of war by using his charm and the American flag as a ruse. Batman comes back from retirement to ostensibly try to change the hopelessness society is feeling, but more likely because Bruce Wayne is psychotic. Anyway, Frank Miller himself has proven himself to be legitimately insane and a hack in the two decades since DKR was published, but this is still one of the most amazing reads you'll ever have in comic book form. I never cease to be surprised by it, and you owe it to yourself and your economy to go buy a copy of it brothers and sisters.

RATING: 100%

Vince Offer

Infomercials are absolutely bizarre and strangely compelling, and the new kid on the block is spazzy douche Vince Offer. You may know him as "that jerk with the headset selling ShamWow." I know him as THE FUTURE. Yeah, so he's a former Scientologist also known for making a (reportedly) awful movie. He sold his bad movie through infomercials? Is he a genius or a moron? Yes? What kind of world do we live in? Spoiler alert - I own four ShamWows. I know, I am America.

Anyways, if you haven't seen the ShamWow or SlapChop infomercials, I think Seth Stevenson said it best when he said Vince possesses "smooth-talking condescension". I wish I was that insightful, but more than that, I wish I had that headset and sense of delusion that V.O. (that's what I call him) seems to possess. I can't decide if I want to punch him in the mouth or give him twenty-five dollars. And I think that's the idea.

RATING: 61% (which means that he's better than Fire & Ice (or The Cutting Edge 4), but worse than loving Bob Seger)

(image courtesy of mmo-champion.com?)