The Big .22 Rifle For Christmas

Sergeant Friday and Officer Smith respond to a call about a missing kid. Some blood and the empty casing from a .22 caliber bullet are found outside the boy's home. Soon after, another boy is reported missing. By day's end, both boys will be found but only one of them will be opening their Christmas presents this year. My experience with and knowledge of Dragnet is mostly limited to the 1987 movie version starring Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks, so I'm probably not the best person to judge the original 50s TV incarnation but man, this shit was dour. Dragnet had to be one of the earliest procedural shows, so I can forgive some of its tropes. The voice over narration, the flat dialogue, the staggering abundance of hats. Maybe it was just this particular episode. Maybe some of the other crimes investigated on the show lead to happy endings, but that was definitely not the case this time.

Rating: A Catcher's Mitt%

Saw VI

These movies aren't even really horror movies - they're just thrillers with a whole lotta gore. I mean, a horror movie is supposed to about fear, and these are just badly structured police procedurals. No other horror movie spends so much time on cops trying to catch the killer (or secretly be the killer several times) as the Saw movies do, and the victims in these traps are basically props. Anyway, in this one an insurance executive must pay the price for his sins, since he invented insurance and whatever I guess,. but maybe the cop is actually the one being tested (he is)! Wait, am I repeating myself?

RATING: 28%

Red State

Internet washout Kevin Smith made this movie without any kind of studio backing, which as an artist I can appreciate, but the movie is shapeless and takes four or five turns into totally different movies which leads me to believe there was nobody there to say "Hey, uh, wha?" Is that good? I STILL DON'T KNOW. I feel like I'm too familiar with Smith's other movies to think of this as genius, per se, but maybe it's sort of like Adam Sandler's performance in Punch Drunk Love, one weird and unique artistic expression that the artist himself would never recognize in a million years. So the plot is a Fred Phelps-esque preacher hates gay people in pretty violent ways and lots of people say "homosexual" in really fake southern accents.

RATING: 73%

The New Gorillaz Video Featuring Bruce Willis

As I mentioned before, I'll watch just about anything that features Bruce Willis packing heat. So I was pretty stoked to find out that he's in the video for the new Gorillaz track "Stylo." I don't really understand what the clip is about, but it has Bruce Willis, guns, and muscle cars in it. The song's not bad either.

Rating: Brucetastic%

(Image from dailymail.co.uk)

25 Days or Less of Christmas Songs - #9: Candy Cane Children

The White Stripes' "Candy Cane Children" was released in 2002 on a Christmas themed 7" single (the b-side featured a reading of the story of the magi and a candid rendition of "Silent Night"). Despite being a cover, the song's lyrics feature some themes that reoccur in other White Stripes songs (ie: children, guns). Since I genuinely like this song, I really don't have anything snarky to say about it. Man, I'm starting to think this project was a bad idea.

Rating: Candy canes% (what else would it be?)

(Image from Wikipedia)

Camouflage

Camouflage (or “Camo” for short) is one of many things rednecks and rappers have in common (one other commonality is handguns; I dare not list any others now that R3 is interested in fuckin’ “readership”). Its purpose is to “camouflage” someone or something from someone or something else. Its secondary purpose is to look totally badass and tuff-e-nuff. Usually one wears camouflage beginning in the fall—with the open of deer season—and quits wearing it in May—at the close of tom season. But some Americans (let’s call them oh say I don’t know Mississippians) view Camo as a year-round garb; some even go above and beyond the call of duty. And while I can’t stand rednecks (or the fact that ‘redneck’ is an acceptable term according to Microsoft Word, while ‘Camo’ and ‘camo’ are not); and while this really makes me insane; and while I don’t, and have never, and cannot anticipate ever wanting to hunt, I will admit to having some bizarre affection for seeing men and women and boys and girls don this material in early autumn. I’ve come to connect it with the time of year that leaves me nostalgic and sentimental--a little too drunk, a little too happy. So help me god, when I saw Miller’s camouflage tallboys this past October, I damn-near cried; I knew something good and sweet and short was oncoming.
Then some fatshit wearing these in July desecrated my temple.

(I’m more than ready to get my ass kicked for this post. You know us Norsemen: sentimental to the bone.)

(Image courtesy 'king Andrew, ca. Oct. 2008)
Rating: 58%

James Buchanan

Jimmy Buchanan was the 15th President of the United States and apparently our worst ever. Why the worst ever you ask? Is it because he's the only President to remain unmarried and originate from the blue-collar state of Pennsylvania? No, he's generally considered the worst because he was a "doughface" Northerner who supported the South, and failed to avert the Civil War (I'd argue that it was an inevitable result of the times). I think that's kind of unfair because George W. Bush is easily worse than Buchanan. Post your words of support for J.B. this President's Day.

RATING: 17%

Mirrors

Did you ever wonder what would happen if Jack Bauer was a night watchman at a haunted house? Well I did not, but now I know because I watched this movie last night. See, Jack Bauer (I never actually figured out the character's name) is a down and out cop who was traumatized because of some sort of shooting incident and is not allowed to be a cop anymore (or something like that). He's also a recovering alcoholic and an insomniac (or so it would seem, the background story isn't exactly well developed). To make ends meet he takes this night watchman job at scary burned out department store place, and that's when scary things start to happen. And what's behind the scary? Mirrors. Of course, because everyone knows that mirrors are terrifying. What with their reflectiveness and ability to rip people's jaw right off their face and what not. So some freaky shit happens, Jack's friends and family start thinking he is crazy, he has to look for something called esseker, and well let's just say it ends with a fancy explosion, some fancy Jack Bauer gun action, and a fancy "surprise" ending. Despite the cheesy premise (mirrors, really?), there were some sort of scary moments and I wasn't entirely bored.

Rating: 66%

Guns

Guns are a troubling issue for me. On the one hand they're incredibly dangerous in the hands of the untrained, and are responsible for a lot of death. Then again, I also believe a person's civil liberties shouldn't be restricted because of morons. Guns helped us win the Revolutionary War and that's a good thing, but now guns are being used in wars abroad for not good things. Ironically, we glorify guns in movies but remind people they're no joke in real life. I'm not implying violence in movies or anything else is responsible for violence in reality, but it's just funny that some people who are against guns still find a means of glorification in other realms. I'll never join the NRA, but just like banning abortion or continuing the War on Drugs is not a solution, neither is restricting the right to gun ownership. Also, I like guns because it's a lot harder to hunt deer with a bow and arrow. Not that I'm going hunting anytime soon.

RATING: 53%