Martyrs

Hey, do you like feeling good about yourself and life? If not, then this movie is for you. It is about the same thing every French horror movie post 2000 is about - horrible suffering and pain with no relief (although this one is actually about that, physically and philosophically). France is an interesting country because people from there will always talk about what awful savages Americans are but then they ban mosques from the whole country or make violent garbage like this where non-white girls get tortured to death. In conclusion France has the Louvre but remember that liking Western art is admitting complicity with imperialism you dumb duck!

RATING: TOOMUCHGRADSCHOOL%

(Alternate ending here)

Leffe Beer

This is a pretty good Belgian style beer, but I drank one of these last night and then felt sick all the way until now. I blame Europe.

RATING: 41%

The Grand Tour

Hey Magellan. Please don’t take this the wrong way. I mean, I’m glad you had a good time. I was perfectly fine with your superlative-heavy recounting of the night you and Sven (a distant relative to your cousin Anthony only, you know, with an accent!) took shrooms and stared at a Francis Bacon for hours. I didn’t mind your insistence to tell me, ad nauseam, how European culture is “just so different, you don’t even know.” I think what did me in was the 86th photo on your iMac slideshow of that fjord in Norway. You know, the one almost identical to the 85th photo on your iMac slideshow? Both of which you described as “soo soo magical”? I don’t mind you traveling—I’m kind of glad to have you out of the country—but please, if you happen to experience something deep and transcendent, something that drastically changes your understanding of The Self, please, keep it to The Self.

Rating:
Travel: Fun-and-Cool%
That Fjord in Norway: Boring%

The Renaissance

One day a bunch of Europeans decided they were sick of being dumb and dying all the time way early, so they decided to try to get smarter. That was called the Renaissance. It means "To Get Smart Real Quick" in French talk. Basically, everybody started being interested in Classical literature like Dracula and shit and also they invented perspective in art and I think the toaster oven. It was a grand old time but people were still all crazy about God in a way that meant you could be excommunicated and murdered for forgetting a nipple on Jesus in a church commissioned painting. So points off there but I guess it was pretty good if you like book learnin you liberal pansies.

RATING: 79%