Apocalypse Now

#23 on Glenn's Top 100 Movie List

This is a movie about how war is bad and we shouldn't go to war. Just kidding - it's obviously a very complex film filled with characters who discover that whatever morality they thought they possessed needs to be discarded or revised because of their environment. I know everybody's probably seen this movie, but I want to mention that I got the chance to see the Redux cut in the theater back in 2001, and even though that edit is pretty pointless, the movie is the most visually gorgeous I've ever seen in the movie theater. So see it in a theater if you can, or go spend all your cash on one of those 100 inch HDTVs, Professor Moneybags.

RATING: 94%

West Point Uniforms

Holy shit! It's the 2009 graduating class of Starfleet Academy.



RATING: 80%



(Photo stolen from nytimes.com)

World War II Airplanes

World War II was a pretty terrible war we can all agree, what with the Holocaust, 60 million deaths, nuclear bombs, etc. But one thing that was not terrible were all the cool planes they had. Like, woah, the P-38 Lightning (see insert). What kind of weirdo plane is that? Or maybe you heard of a little old plane called the P-51 Mustang? Hubba hubba, aircraft! Are you a fan of quickly traveling from city to city in jets, hmmm? Yowza! For any of our readers out there driving a shitty Mitsubishi Lancer, I bet it's not as cool as this Mitsubishi produced vehicle. In closing, World War II was an awful tragedy for all mankind.

RATING: 81%

Inglourious Basterds/The Hurt Locker

I rarely feel as American as when I get a chance to see two war movies in the theater in one week. Inglourious Basterds is fun, but is utlimately stopped from being a great movie by obviously terrible choices (#1 being Brad Pitt and his costar, Brad Pitt's Ridiculous Accent). On the other hand The Hurt Locker is pretty tense and moving, but after watching it you'll probably just want to hug something for a few hours. So in conclusion war movies say a lot about the human condition, Oscars all around, etc etc.

Inglourious Basterds RATING: 61%
The Hurt Locker RATING: 85%

Keurig Single Cup Coffee Maker

Even a retarded chimpanzee with hooks for hands could make a decent cup of coffee with this thing. Of course he'd be utterly confused and enraged by the fact that the most concentrated "espresso" setting just makes 100 ml less of the same medium-strength coffee as the second last setting. Also, it only does one cup at a time, so if he wanted to serve his friends refreshments after a hard day of stealing and eating human babies, he'd have to make several trips back and forth from the kitchen. But the worst thing about the Keurig is that every individual serving comes packaged in a disposable plastic container, so a month of moderate use is probably worse for the environment than an army of retarded chimpanzees with hooks for hands.

RATING: 74%

(Image from http://only-cookware.com.)

The Deer Hunter

#30 on Glenn's Top 100 Movie List

If you like to feel happy, then as your physician I have to recommend against seeing this movie. It's a great, depressing epic about a bunch of friends from a small steel-mill town who go to Vietnam and consequently get their lives ruined in a variety of ways. I can't listen to "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" by Frankie Valli without becoming tense and filled with dread thanks to this movie. This also marks the fourth out of a total five movies John Cazale ever acted in to make it onto my top 100 list, and the fifth is Dog Day Afternoon, so that ain't no slouch either.

RATING: 92%

Art

Art is totally lame and/or for gaywads. If I had $8,500, I wouldn't give one cent to art it sucks so bad. People are always writing poems that don't rhyme, or painting some dumb picture that looks like it was done by an epileptic three year old, and I'm supposed to hock over my hard earned dough? Hell no this is America. The only things I hock over my money for kill people or blow things up.

RATING: <.000001%, or not-even-$1 million-out-of-almost-$1 trillion

U.S. War Machine

Chuck Austen might not be the worst comic book writer in history, but he certainly was given a whole hell of a lot of great comics for a long time considering how awful he's been since always. He wrote Uncanny X-Men for like two years, Avengers, JLA, Superman... Jesus Christ, it infuriates me to think about it! His "best" work is on the 12 issue maxiseries U.S. War Machine, an alternate reality sort of look at the character War Machine. War Machine is Jim Rhodes (Terrence Howard in the movie Iron Man), one of Tony Stark's best friends, and in regular continuity took over the role of Iron Man while Stark was dead for a while, and eventually got his own suit of armor with a lot more guns, a way better color scheme, and named it War Machine. This trade envisions a world in which Rhodey is drafted by SHIELD to stop some white supremacist plan of killing all minorities everywhere. On paper it sounds good, but it actually is terrible, and one of the most racist things I've read in a comic. Thanks, Chuck Austen, white man, for relaying to me all the angst and misery that black people feel just for being black. The only reason I'm giving this piece of garbage any points at all (oh, I forgot how sexist it is, too - somehow Chuck Austen can draw a woman's nipples poking through any surface, including StarkTech armor), is because War Machine's armor always looks cool and there's some crazy stuff with an alternate reality Darkhawk in it. Boo, Chuck Austen, boo.

RATING: 19%