The Salt Lick Restaurant

I happened to be in Driftwood, Texas recently (no, really, I was vacationing in Austin) and I was lucky enough to get to eat at The Salt Lick. Open since 1967, The Salt Lick is known for its open barbecue pit, friendly staff, generous portions, and their convenient BYOB policy. I opted for the "Family Style" all-you-can-eat meat plate, which came loaded with pork ribs, sausage and brisket. And, since I was in Texas, I washed all that meat down with a few cans of Pearl beer. I ate until I was legitimately concerned that I might vomit and was subsequently full for more than 24 hours after I left the restaurant. Not bad for $16 plus the price of beer.

Rating: Meat Coma%

(Image from sweetleafteablog.com)

Meat

Often delicious, meat can start to suck when you eat a whole lot of it and almost nothing else for like three days straight. Ow, my colon! Somebody please just give me a bowl of spinach, thank you.

RATING: 23% (for now, probably like 86% usually)

Potted Meat

Ok, I would like a job now thank you.

RATING: 15%

Unemployment

Unemployment is a strange beast, because on the one hand at least I'm not at some fucking awful job for 45 hours a week, but on the other hand I'm almost broke and a few application steps away from food stamps. For some reason everybody feels the need to tell me things like "Well at least you're getting a lot of writing done." No, I'm not getting a lot of writing done, god damn it, unless by writing you mean filling out the same questionnaire endlessly while applying for menial jobs only to get a cryptic response in the email an hour later saying that I'm not qualified. What, I didn't "strongly agree" enough with the phrase "Stealing is always wrong, even if your family is starving?" Speaking of starving, if I have to eat another processed meat sandwich I just might take starvation boulevard instead. In conclusion, never take an adjunct position with the vague promise that there might be more work in the spring, because I bet there won't be chump.

RATING: 12%

DIckey's BBQ

I'm of 2 minds about Dickey's BBQ: those giant smoked turkey legs they peddle at the state fair are dope, but their restaurants are another matter. First off, the layout is really confusing, and I almost ended up going the wrong way through their self-service line. The sausage was alright, if salty, but I hate how they cut it up into bite sized chunks before it even gets onto your plate. The brisket was so wet it was like they'd drowned the animal to death before smoking it. The mac and cheese was bland (and it's not a vegetable), and the green beans were soggy and tasteless. The biscuit started off OK, but it got nasty sitting in all the water from my brisket and/or green beans.

Next time you're in Dallas (and by "Dallas" I mean Richardson) don't go to Dickey's BBQ. Even if you don't enter at the wrong end, you'll probably just end up with a double handful of wet, salty meat and a soggy biscuit to boot.

RATING: 32%

(Image from http://fiveprime.org. Next time you're looking for an avalanche of porn, try googling "wet meat.")

Earth

Earth is a place you might know by looking around right now. It is the only planet in the solar system to have produced three Knight Rider television series, sentient life, and pornography. If you want to go to CiCi's Pizza and eat all the pizza you can until you puke for $4.99, then Earth is the planet for you. If you want to immediately die of asphyxiation and extreme atmospheric conditions, then try any one of the other seven planets why don't you. Other things Earth has produced that no other planet we know of can get credit for: poetry, love, the Chick-Fil-A advertising campaign "Eat Mor Chikin," hate, witty bumper stickers, jock straps, and Darkhawk.

RATING: 100%

Kreuz Market BBQ

This is a bbq place in almost the middle of nowhere Texas at which you enter a big smoky room and tell them what meat you want, they pull it right out of the smoker, chop it up for you, and place it on butcher paper. Bon appetit! No utensils or sauce, pansies. Anyway, it was pretty delicious. I got brisket and sausage and they were both terrific, although a few minutes after eating close to a pound of pure meat I almost contemplated vegetarianism. I've never done this, but I want to post a second picture so you can maybe (my camera sucks) see what the meat did to my opaque butcher paper in the first picture.


Transparent! Ow, my heart and arteries.

RATING: 89%

Burns Bar BQ

If you are like me and grew up with Carolina style bbq in Florida, then you might have a chip on your shoulder about Texans talking all big about Texas style bbq being the best. Well, I have to say that while I think I still prefer Carolina style on the whole, this place Burns was pretty awesome. For $7.50 you get all that food, which is two meats, beans, potato salad, and bread. I got their famous homemade links and brisket. It was delicious and if you live in Houston and don't mind driving 30 minutes out of town then check this place out unless you are some kind of vagetarian or something.

RATING: 87%