Lethal Weapon 2

There is very little time wasted in Lethal Weapon 2. The movie opens with a car chase, which morphs into a shootout before the bad guys are whisked away by a helicopter, leaving only a trunk load of Krugerrands behind. Before Riggs, Murtaugh and the squad (spoiler alert: don’t get too attached to the squad) can even figure out what’s going on, the bad guys, a bunch of South African smugglers hiding behind diplomatic credentials, break into Murtaugh’s home to warn him to back off. Hoping to keep them out of trouble, Riggs and Murtaugh are taken off the case and assigned to protect Leo Getz, a money launderer who’s set to testify against his former clients. And, wouldn’t you know it, those former clients just so happen to be the same South African smugglers who’ve been causing untold amounts of trouble for Riggs and Murtaugh. What follows is a series of shootouts, car chases, exploding toilets, exploding swimming pools, decapitations by surfboard and some seriously epic property damage. Lethal Weapon 2 is filled with memorable lines and set pieces. My only complaint about the film is that the bad guys aren’t quite as memorable as the bad guys from the first film. Joss Ackland is great as Arjen Rudd but there’s just no substitute for Gary Busey as Mr. Joshua.

Rating: 82%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead

A prison transfer gone wrong leaves a cop and some convicts stranded deep in the heart of cannibal country. The practical special effects in Wrong Turn 3 are decent but definitely not as good as the ones seen in the franchise's first two installments. Bad CGI is more prevalent in this entry, which is a disappointment. The acting is fine and, thankfully, none of the characters are particularly annoying this time around.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Police Academy: Mission to Moscow

A new addictive video game out of Russia has become a worldwide phenomenon. Authorities suspect that the man behind the game, Konstantine Konali, is actually a crime boss using the game to launder money from his illegal activities. Desperate to apprehend Konali, the Russians bring in Commandant Lassard and some of his most trusted associates. If the Police Academy franchise was feeling a little tired during City Under Siege, Mission to Moscow finds the series on life support. All of the charm and style of the Police Academy films has been replaced with subpar Hot Shots parody and shameless Three Stooges rip-offs. Jones, Tackleberry and Callahan return alongside Captain Harris, who's suddenly become a surveillance expert, and Cadet Kyle Connors, who joins the mission thanks to a clerical error. The cast includes Ron Perlman as Konstantin Konali and Christopher Lee as Commandant Rakov.

Rating: 50%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Police Academy 6: City Under Siege

A crime wave grips the city and the police seem powerless to stop it. At the behest of the governor, Commandant Lassard and some of his favorite Police Academy graduates are brought in to help. But, despite their best efforts, the gang responsible for the crime wave always seems to be one step ahead of the police. City Under Siege feels a little tired compared to the previous Police Academy films. All of the gags feel like they've been done before. That said, the chase sequence at the film's climax, which reminded me of the Las Vegas chase sequence in Con Air, goes big and I have to give the movie points for that. Sergeant Fackler, not seen since Police Academy 3, returns for one last accident-filled hurrah. Commandant Lassard's nephew Nick has seemingly joined the main squad following his introduction in Assignment Miami Beach. And Billie Bird, who played the gun-toting Mrs. Feldman in Citizens on Patrol, has a cameo in the movie, although she seems to be playing an entirely different character this time around. Sadly, this is the last film in the franchise to feature Hightower, Hooks, Proctor and Commissioner Hurst.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Gerrit Graham, who played one of the members of the Wilson Heights gang, was also in Child's Play 2, C.H.U.D. II: Bud the C.H.U.D. and Sidekicks.

Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach

Commandant Lassard and (most of) his favorite Academy graduates head down to a police convention in Miami Beach, where Lassard is set to be honored as the Police Officer of the Decade. But, after a mix-up at the airport, Lassard gets kidnapped by some jewel thieves. Can our favorite cops rescue Lassard and stop the crooks or will Proctor and Captain Harris just mess things up again? The gags are bigger and more cartoonish in Police Academy 5 but the change in scenery keeps things from getting too stale. Tab Thacker returns as Officer House from Citizens on Patrol and, in this installment, we're introduced to Commandant Lassard's nephew, Sergeant Nick Lassard. Nick is played by Matt McCoy, who does a good job, but, let's be honest, he's no Steve Guttenberg.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: The jewel thieves include René Auberjonois from Deep Space Nine, Archie Hahn from Meatballs Part II (and several Joe Dante movies) and Ruben Rabasa from the focus group sketch in I Think You Should Leave.

Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol

Hoping to fight crime and improve public relations, Commandant Lassard starts a new community action group: Citizens On Patrol. With the help of his favorite academy graduates, the C.O.P. program recruits and trains civilians to aid in police work. The program is successful at first, getting a wide variety of volunteers, everything from young skate punks to an elderly gun nut. But with Commissioner Hurst and Captain Harris scheming behind the scenes, the whole program might be over before it starts. Police Academy 4 plays like a greatest hits version of the previous three films, so nothing feels particularly original here. The plot is pretty thin, with various set pieces having little relevance to the overall story. I'm looking at you, ninja gang. This time around we see the glorious return of G.W. Bailey as Captain Harris, now with Proctor in tow. Something about that pairing just feels right. Unfortunately, this is the last hurrah for Sweetchuck, Zed and Nogata. But, perhaps worst of all, the movie ends with Steve Guttenberg's Sergeant Mahoney getting into a hot air balloon with Sharon Stone's character (yes, Sharon Stone is in this movie) and flying off, never to be seen again.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: The young skate punks are played by David Spade and Brian Backer, who was in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and The Burning.

Recruits

Hoping to impress the governor and secure funding for a new freeway, the mayor of Clam's Cove announces a new civilian-led traffic enforcement division of the police force. Captain Magruder, attempting to embarrass the mayor, selects only the dumbest, drunkest and horniest recruits for this new squad. Recruits is less of a comedy and more of a delivery system for boobs. There isn't a shirt, towel or bikini top in the movie that can't be removed by a pratfall. I'm pretty sure that there's only one woman in the cast who doesn't show her boobs, but even she strips down to her underwear at one point. If Police Academy is too highbrow for you, then you just might be the perfect audience for Recruits.

Rating: 53%

(Recruits on IMDB)

Police Academy 3: Back in Training

The governor announces a plan to close one of the city's two Police Academies, putting Commandant Lassard and Commandant Mauser in a competition to be the last Academy standing. All of Lassard's favorite graduates come back to help out after Mauser gets up to his old tricks. Police Academy 3 marks the return of Leslie Easterbrook's Lieutenant Callahan to the series. Bobcat Goldthwait and Tim Kazurinsky's characters from Police Academy 2 also return to join the academy alongside Fackler's equally accident prone wife, Tackleberry's brother-in-law and Brian Tochi as Cadet Nogata. Back in Training borrows a few beats from the first two films but, considering the whole thing ends with an extended jet ski chase, I'm not complaining.

Rating: 63%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Die Hard with a Vengeance

John McClane, the hero of Nakatomi Plaza and the Dulles Airport, is at an all time low in Die Hard with a Vengeance. Estranged from his wife, suspended from the force, and in the midst of an epic hangover, John becomes a terrorist's plaything. McClane and a reluctant good samaritan (played to perfection by Samuel L. Jackson) are sent on a series of missions, with an epic explosion awaiting them should they fail. Die Hard with a Vengeance probably has more jokes per minute than any of the other Die Hard movies, but I'm not complaining. Willis and Jackson play off of each other so well, it's a shame Jackson's character never returned in any of the other sequels.

Rating: 79%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Colleen Camp, who played Kowalski, also played a cop, Corporal Kirkland, in Police Academy 2 and 4.

Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment

With crime running rampant in his precinct, Captain Pete Lassard calls up some freshly graduated recruits from the Police Academy. Will these rambunctious rookies be able to clean up the streets or have they been set up to fail? Police Academy 2 brings back most of the cast from the first film. Notable absences include Leslie Easterbrook's Sergeant Callahan and G.W. Bailey's Lieutenant Harris. Notable additions include Colleen Camp as Tackleberry's love interest Corporal Kirkland, Art Metrano as the new antagonist Lieutenant Mauser, Lance Kinsey as Mauser's lackey Proctor, Tim Kazurinsky as a local merchant named Sweetchuck and Bobcat Goldthwait as Zed, the leader of the Scullions. The gags are a little bigger in Police Academy 2, more in line with a movie like Airplane! And most of the raunchiness from the first film has been toned down as well.

Rating: 67%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Commandant Lassard's brother, Captain Pete Lassard, was played by WKRP's Howard Hesseman.

Police Academy

A new mayor decrees that the Police Academy must accept all applicants regardless of height, weight, strength or ability. And it's not long before they start coming out of the woodwork. The worst of the worst end up in D Squad, D as in dirtbag, where Lieutenant Harris runs the cadets ragged, hoping to convince them to drop out. But the cadets face their first real test after a massive riot breaks out in the city. The original Police Academy, the only entry in the series to be rated R, has to be on the Mount Rushmore of raunchy 80s comedies. I grew up on these films, so I can appreciate them for what they are, but they're definitely a hard sell due to their casual racism, sexism, homophobia and the fact that so many people hate cops nowadays. But, damn, if Michael Winslow doesn't make you laugh then you might not have a sense of humor.

Rating: 72%

(Image from Wikipedia)

First Blood

Despondent Vietnam vet John Rambo is just passing through town when he gets hassled by the local fuzz. What those cops don't know is that they just brought a slingshot to a gun fight. By the time it's all over, one man will be dead and the town's property values will have taken a nosedive. First Blood, Rambo's first outing, is a fairly self-contained actioner with plenty of shootouts, chases and explosions. Stallone is backed up by an excellent supporting cast, including Richard Crenna, Brian Dennehy, Bill McKinney and David Caruso. First Blood is a great starting point for a franchise that only gets bigger and more outlandish as it goes along.

Rating: 78%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Big .22 Rifle For Christmas

Sergeant Friday and Officer Smith respond to a call about a missing kid. Some blood and the empty casing from a .22 caliber bullet are found outside the boy's home. Soon after, another boy is reported missing. By day's end, both boys will be found but only one of them will be opening their Christmas presents this year. My experience with and knowledge of Dragnet is mostly limited to the 1987 movie version starring Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks, so I'm probably not the best person to judge the original 50s TV incarnation but man, this shit was dour. Dragnet had to be one of the earliest procedural shows, so I can forgive some of its tropes. The voice over narration, the flat dialogue, the staggering abundance of hats. Maybe it was just this particular episode. Maybe some of the other crimes investigated on the show lead to happy endings, but that was definitely not the case this time.

Rating: A Catcher's Mitt%

Kindergarten Cop

Tough as nails cop John Kimble goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher, heartwarming hilarity ensues. Kindergarten Cop probably shouldn't work. It bounces back and forth between bleak violence and earnest sweetness, coming dangerously close to saccharine schmaltz. And yet it succeeds by way of its cast and script. The kids, some of whom seem way too old to be in kindergarten, are delightful. And the script gives Arnold plenty of opportunities to flex his comedic and dramatic muscles. My own mother, who has zero interest in Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, calls Kindergarten Cop "cute." Truly making it fun for the whole family.

Rating: 75%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Miko Hughes, who famously played the "Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina" kid, was also in Pet Sematary, Wes Craven's New Nightmare and Spawn.

Silent Night

Someday we'll look back on the era of horror movies from the early 2000s and 2010s and we'll have name for it. Like Film Noir, we'll find some snappy label for the look and tropes of the genre. Silent Night will definitely be a part of that yet-to-be-named genre. It's got all the hallmarks: shaky handheld camera work, a desaturated color palette, CGI blood, a nu metal soundtrack, and it gets bonus points for being a remake. It's not, however, a straightforward remake of Silent Night, Deadly Night, even though it takes a few things directly from the original. Silent Night is a movie about small town cops trying to stop a sadistic serial killer in a Santa suit. It's kind of like if Rob Zombie remade Fargo. It's competently made and there are at least 3 recognizable/credible actors in it. Most notably it features Malcolm McDowell playing the Sheriff of a small Wisconsin town for some reason. It's technically better than any of the other Silent Night, Deadly Night films, but I would sooner go back to watch a crazy piece of shit like The Toy Maker than the lukewarm bore that is Silent Night.

Rating: 54%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Visions of Deadly Nights Past:

Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

If you thought Dr. Loomis and Michael Myers died in the explosion at the end of Halloween II, then Halloween 4 is here to tell you, "it wasn't as bad as it looked. They're doing just fine." The Halloween franchise never was a stickler for continuity. 1988's The Return of Michael Myers plays out almost like a remake of the original Halloween, except in this movie everyone believes Dr. Loomis and takes the threat of Michael Myers seriously. Halloween 4 also amps up the action with lots of guns and explosions. The movie ends with Michael being gunned down by cops and then falling into a mine shaft, which then collapses on top of him. And, as we all know, the only way a guy could survive something like that would be if, say, a hobo came upon his body and, like, nursed him back to health over a period of months or something. And, I mean, what are the chances of that happening?

Rating: 68%

(Image from IMDB)

Night Patrol

Imagine combining Mad Magazine with Benny Hill and the slapstick parody comedies of Zucker, Abrahams and Zucker. Then imagine taking most of the comedic talent out of that mixture. The end result would be something like Night Patrol, the hilarious* police comedy from the director of Blood Diner. If you thought Police Academy was too highbrow, you'll love Night Patrol. It's dumb and dated and vulgar. As far as this movies goes, if I could just get up on my high horse for a second, it's not a case of "they don't make 'em like this anymore." And more of a case of, "they shouldn't have made 'em like this at the time."

Rating: 48%

(Image from IMDB)

* Not hilarious

Christmas Story/Hash/Toys

Much like The Andy Griffith Show, Barney Miller was never a show that interested me. It would pop up in reruns all the time but I never watched it. I don't know if it was the production quality or the 70s fashions, but it just always seemed like a Dad show. And I mean that literally because my father was a fan of the show. Watching it now, I can't get over just how minimalist the whole thing was. I don't know if it was just the three episodes I watched, but the whole show plays out with only two sets. And one of those sets is just an office off of the main set. In "Christmas Story," Fish goes undercover to nab a mugger who's been targeting department store Santas. In "Hash," Wojo unknowingly brings a batch of hash brownies into the office. And in "Toys," Barney needs to balance his work life and his turbulent personal life, all while some feuding toy sellers squabble in the bullpen. Admittedly, only two of those episodes are actually Christmas themed, but I wasn't going to pass up the chance to watch Abe Vigoda act stoned.

Rating: Toothbrush%

(Image from IMDB)

WolfCop

I don't know if there are any other movies out there about an alcoholic cop who becomes an alcoholic werewolf cop but I do know that there probably aren't any other movies where the violent transition from alcoholic cop to alcoholic werewolf cop starts at the dick. And that's because WolfCop was clearly a passion project. It was made by people in Saskatchewan who knew that the story of an alcoholic werewolf cop was clearly a story that had to be told. And it had to be made with a lot of practical special effects. And it had to have nudity in it. And explosions. And there had to be a scene where the wolfcop rips a guy's face off and then throws it onto the windshield of a cop car. And knowing full well that it would be funny to see that ripped-off face get caught up in the windshield wipers, there still had to be a shot of the guy, now without a face, screaming. And the gore had to look good. And you know what? They were right. They were right about everything. So, if you have to see a movie about an alcoholic cop who becomes an alcoholic werewolf cop, see WolfCop because it will be the best movie about an alcoholic cop who becomes an alcoholic werewolf cop you will see all year. And that is my solemn guarantee.

Rating: All the ripped-off faces%

(Image from thedudedesigns.com)

Saw 3D

A better title for this movie would be "Saw VII," but they wanted to cash in on the 3D craze of the late oughties (which totally doesn't already look dated four years later). Hey, filmmakers, if your part 3 isn't going to be in 3D then ya missed the boat! This movie is, of course, terrible, but there are two good things going for it: 1) a torture device scene that happens in broad daylight in front of hundreds of witnesses, which gives the film a different palate than the normal "warehouse green" it seems to love, and B) a kinda unique plot in which a nonfiction author rose to fame by faking that he was a survivor of Jigsaw and now Jigsaw catches him and puts him through some traps or whatever. Now that I'm done with these movies I don't think I can recommend them to anybody per se, but I'm sure academics will write/have already written papers on the trend of 2000s horror focusing extreme pain, suffering, etc, when America as a country was committing acts of torture so publicly. Finally, look at the poster there - a gigantic robot Jigsaw killer would have been so much better than anything that happens in this movie but oh well!

RATING: 41%