Star Trek - "Assignment: Earth"

The Enterprise wastes a time travel to go back to 1968 and have a tedious adventure with a terrible Doctor Who ripoff.

RATING: 1%

Resident Evil: Retribution

Not exactly sure who is retributing who here, but for this series of movies I guess having your title sound like the name of a nu-metal album is more important than having it make sense. Speaking of making sense, Alice, our stalwart hero, finds herself captured by the Umbrella Corporation (UMB [NYSE] $12.84 -3.81). She must fight her way through a buncha computer simulations to escape, and if there's any truth in the world it's that nothing is more fun than watching somebody play a shitty video game for two hours! In the end it turns out the true monster is man, specifically the man who greenlit five fucking Resident Evil movies.

RATING: 26%

Cassette Tape Memories: Bull by Bootsauce

This is a really, really awful fucking album by a really, really awful Canadian band who would have never been on the radio if it wasn't for CanCon requirements. The main thing I remember about this tape was that at a friend's birthday party in grade seven Internet John, our friend John A. and I lipsynched the song "Touching Cloth" from this album in a lipsynching contest. We were the dorkiest kids in our grade, and nobody expected us to break it down with fake guitars and everything, so we won like 13 bucks! Then the birthday kid took the money and got drunk on wine coolers. That's ok, though, because while he was puking behind his house the rest of us were playing girls v. boys kiss tag and the drunk kid's girlfriend kissed me (score I guess?). So the lesson is if you like terrible RHCP cover bands and wanting to kill yourself, this album is for you.

RATING: 20%

A Month of Boring Things - Day Twenty-Four: Ramen

Ramen noodles are pretty much depressing. They're cheap and easy to prepare. You can give them to children for lunch because, whatever, they're children--what are they gonna do about it? College kids like them because college kids are lazy and don't know shit. I swore I'd never eat them again after I graduated. But I just had some. Which means I'm pretty much a failure.



Rating: 22%

More To Love (TV Series)

In this "Bachelorette for Big Girls" series, FOX has managed to strike the perfect balance between sweetly pandering to large women and leaving room for thin women to make fun of the fatties. So you've got the whole "finding my one true love on TV" concept, exploitation and mocking of overweight people, AND normalization and promotion of obesity all rolled into one. So wrong it's right? Nope, it's just wrong.

Rating: FLABbergasted%