Pike Kilt Lifter

A Beer For Every State #9 - Washington

Since I drank this after getting off a plane zonked out on Klonopin, I can only assure you that I thought it was good for some reason, just as I thought the pothole was good, the wasps buzzing near the ground were good, the pretty lights were good, the luggage rack was good, etc.

RATING: 65% (Good)

(Image stolen from The Sum of All Beers, which seems to be a pretty decent beer blog)

A Month of Boring Things - Day Seventeen: Junebugs

Holy shit, look out! Oh, wait, that's not a flying palmetto bug, it's just a junebug. Forget about it.

RATING: 39%

My flight to Houston - Layover and Second Leg

After the long first flight, the layover at DFW and second leg of my flight (DFW to Hobby) are a bit of a blur. I bought a big bottle of water, was disappointed but not surprised that the newsstand did not carry Yoga Journal, and had a hard time finding food at the airport that was not fried. And my flight was delayed by about 45 min because they were waiting on the flight crew to arrive (were they on another delayed flight or hungover and late for work? We'll never know!), but I was upgraded to an Exit row so that makes up for the delay, I suppose. But then the pitiful lady next to me on the plane did not have anything to read or an ipod (no Vedder for her), and kept looking at me like I was supposed to entertain her (I am not a clown, lady), so points off for that. But the flight was short so whatever. Oh, and I saw that spider on the wall in the airport.

Rating: 67%

My flight to Houston - First Leg

The first leg of my flight to Houston (LGA to DWF) was pretty okay. My ipod played lots of Bon Iver, Eddie Vedder, and Radiohead (the Holy Trinity, Vedder is Jesus), and I read this month's issue of O Magazine (a guilty pleasure). The woman next to me did not bother me and there were no crying babies (successful flight musts). And I flew over some mountains (picture at left) or something. But it was a really long flight, points off for that. Also points off for American Airlines not being JetBlue (where are my damn blue potato chips, AA?!).

Rating: 67%

Flying

When I tell people I am afraid to fly, they often roll their eyes and offer the same insightful quip akin to “Smoking is bad for you.” They tell me I am more likely to die in a car wreck than in an air disaster. And they’re right, statistically.
According to Plane Crash Info’s website: “…the probability of a passenger being killed on a single flight [is] approximately eight million-to-one. If a passenger boarded a flight at random, once a day, everyday, it would statistically be over 21,000 years before he or she would be killed.”
What I don’t understand is why people are so enraged by my aviophobia. For the record: I do not hate airplanes; I do not hate pilots (my uncle is a Captain for AA; my grandpappy was a crop-duster and my father has a pilot’s license); I do not protest / detest people who do fly, or love to fly. I simply don’t like it. And yes, I know it stems from control issues (the same reason I hate YOU driving); I know it is irrational.

What I’d like to ask of you pro-flying-types is this: Please stop using the flying-is-less-dangerous-than-driving line. First, you are making a claim based on quantitative risk (no time to go into it here). Second, I can’t smoke on an airplane, but I can damn-well smoke in my pickup truck. In conclusion, while your phobia forces you to screech like a fucking pussy every time you see a spider, I am overcoming mine with a handful of Klonopins and a fifth of rye whiskey.

(first photo courtesy of planecrashinfo.com. Second photo courtesy of some redneck from the University of Toronto's personal website.)

Rating: 15%

Continental Airways

THE GOOD:
-No emergency water landing
-Free bowl of cornflakes and carton of cream o' land 2% milk
-Cheap
-It's in the past now

THE BAD:
-Mean, surly flight attendants (I think one of them said, "Get your seat up, cracker")
-Breakfast banana rotten in the middle
-Had to sit through most of City of Ember with no sound
-Frightened, shrieking infant 3 rows up simultaneously heartbreaking, irritating

THE UGLY:
-Fellow passengers all from New Jersey, all obese, all clad in sweater vests and pleated pants
-Adjacent passenger sneezed and coughed without covering mouth, used Blackberry during takeoff and landing despite being asked not to
-Tail seat in very last row, downwind of airplane lavatories

RATING: Continental Airways 60%
Jersey's intestinal health 10%
City of Ember: Bill Murray, are you fucking kidding me%

(Picture from securitykarma.com)

JetBlue

JetBlue is an airline that is kind of good because you get unlimited snacks and drinks (non-alcoholic), free XM radio, and 56 channels of Direct TV. Also they have a lot of leg room. They are bad because they might cancel your flight if a little old thunderstorm happens (like they did to us last week), or they might delay your flight three and a half fucking hours for no goddamn reason at all (like they did to us last night). Additionally, their own terminal at JFK in New York is like somebody's shed they built one summer, and you have to take a bus from the real terminal to get to it. Well, I liked the television part.

RATING: 67%

Klonopin (Clonazepam)

Hey, did I ever tell you guys the story of how I'm scared of flying? If the answer is no, then why don't you ever pay attention to me, I routinely tell strangers this the first time I meet them! Well, how I deal with that is I take a little old happy pill called Klonopin and then instead of thinking "Ohh, I'm scared! I know I am going to die let me out of here!" I just think "Wow, what a pretty day! If the plane starts spiralling down from 37000 feet I bet it will be a really pretty view. More snacks please!" There's probably side effects like basically I slept my whole first day of vacation here away, but come on gramps, if you don't try it you're totally square.

RATING: 86%

Flying

Flying is a way to get far away places like New York for cheaper and quicker than driving. I guess it makes logical sense, but some losers (me) are terrified of flying so then it doesn't seem like such a great option. Like, look, what kind of science guy says all this Bernoulli magic is going to keep working, anyway? Also, you gotta take off your shoes to go through security which is totally lame, but at least you get unlimited snacks and if you can find a way to deal with it then maybe it will be ok. Teleporters please!

RATING:54%