Our Readers

Sometimes we may be a little crass and perhaps automatically assault any new reader we get or accuse them of not being real, but in all honesty what would would R3 be without all of you? Now please tell your friends so we can get a goddamn book deal already.

RATING: 96%

That Fucking Bowflex Ad

I was watching the New Year's Day Corner Gas-athon and this advertisement ran about 300 times. It's the one in which the fake-tanned, rat-faced douchebag who recently lost 75 lbs poses shirtless indoors with a surfboard and sunglasses and says contemptuously, "I gave all my fat clothes to my fat friends."

I bet they really appreciated that, you smug piece of shit.

Also, "Be strong, be fit, be Bowflex" is a really stupid slogan. Wouldn't "Get strong, get fit, get Bowflex" make a little more ontological sense?

RATING: Bowflex: I don't know because my fat ass has never used one%
That guy: should be shot in the stomach and buried alive%

(Image from www.courier-journal.com.)

Alexander Keith's India Pale Ale

Most people in Nova Scotia drink Alexander Keith's, and some of them are fanatical about it--I know a guy who has a Keith's tattoo on his ass and the same Keith's tattoo on his shoulder. I think this is because Keith's marketers have tapped into a strong current of Nova Scotian (pseudo) Scottish sub-nationalism. In reality, Keith's tastes much like every other mass produced Canadian beer, e.g. Labatt's, Oland's, Molson, or Moosehead, which all taste similar to American Budweiser.

If a Nova Scotian tries to make you drink a bottle of Keith's, it won't kill you to humour him or her because it really isn't terrible--just kind of bland and watery. Real IPA's, like the ones made by Live Oak, Dogfish Head, and Nova Scotia's own Propeller (whose IPA won a gold medal at the World Beer Championships in Chicago), are bold, hoppy, complex and strong, and are among the best beers in the world. In conclusion, every single other IPA I've ever tried has been better than Keith's.

RATING: 50% for old time's sake (that's a pass in Nova Scotia). I've probably put down 1000 bottles of the stuff since I was 16, and there's alcohol in it, after all.

(Image from www.unitedforce.com.)

Advertising Optimism

The only thing dumber than optimism is advertising optimism. Optimism blinds people to reality and prevents them from planning for a better future. I can fucking see the up side of things all day, but thinking an earthquake won't hit Los Angeles won't motivate me to find ways to prevent it from sinking into the damn ocean when it happens. And letting your kid think they don't suck at baseball when they actually suck big time isn't going to get them a baseball scholarship. I swear I think this advertisement was put on television by those people who think we shouldn't grade kids papers with red ink because it will hurt their self esteem. I hate those people!

Rating: 15%