An Open Letter to White Anglophone Parents of North America

Dear White Anglophone Parents of North America:

Please don't name your children Haley, Bailey, Daley, Riley, Kylie, Briley, Austin or Madison. They're not dogs, they're human beings, and no one should have to grow up with a name like that. A whole generation of kids have already been molested by Dustin, Crystal, Jarret, Travis and Curtis. Please stop now.

Sincerely,

Internet John

RATING: Horrible names 2%
Grinning white ape 89%

(Image from www.weirdthings.org.uk. Names that don't sound fucking retarded can occasionally be found in the Bible, the works of Shakespeare, or one's own family tree.)

The FURminator

At $22.99 + shipping, the FURminator might seem like a crazy waste of money, but I swear to you it was worth every penny. That picture is an actual photo of all the fur that came off of Thelonious the first time I used it on him. And then I went back later and used it some more and got another pile that was about the same size. I cannot for the life of me figure out where this cat was hiding all that loose fur, but he actually looks and feels thinner now. And now when I pet him I don't get loose fur flying all over and sticking to my face and stuff. In short, this cat brush is the greatest thing I've ever bought for my cat and I highly recommend it even with the high price tag.

Rating: 90% (10 off for it being so damn expensive)

My Cat Thelonious

The only bad thing about Thelonious is that he has a tendency to sneeze on my roommate and guests. Otherwise he's quite adorable and friendly. And very cuddly. All the things a good cat needs to be.

Rating: 95% (5 off for the sneezing)