People of Walmart

There are a lot of freaks out there. But even freaks need to stock up on tube socks and cat food from time to time. Thankfully, the website People of Walmart dutifully documents some of the many freaky people who get their bargains at the Wal. The site boasts photos of mullet enthusiasts, crossdressers, escaped mental patients, casual racists, and even the occasional celebrity. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Rating: Blue light special on aisle 5%

(Image from peopleofwalmart.com)

[Full disclosure: I shop at Walmart. My disdain for the company's policies and the freakishness of some of its customers is outmatched by my love of cheap DVDs.]

Race Krispies

Sometimes I'm in the mood for heterogeneous flavour first thing in the morning and sometimes I'm not, but I always try to be tolerant and open-minded. As a white male age 18-39, I know that pretty much the worst thing I can do either way is make a big deal out of this sort of thing.

RATING: 95% in public, 83% in private, but I hope future generations are enthusiastic enough about miscegenation that the opinions of all sorts of ethnic ideologues become irrelevant.

(Image from school.discoveryeducation.com.)

Anonymous Comments

I don't understand people who post anonymous comments. They always seem to be either know-it-alls or outraged moral crusaders who are so earnest and serious yet totally unwilling to use their real names. Why hide one's identity if one is sure of the verity of one's claims and the integrity of one's arguments? The least these people could do is make me laugh by posting comments under a funny pseudonym, like Nyarlahotep, Jack Chuck, Schoolgrrl14 or John Stamos.

If I want to tell Glenn he's a philistine, I'll sign my name to it, and I'd expect nothing less from him (if he were a hostile jerk like me, that is). But if I were going to leave anonymous comments, I'd post dirty jokes, not shrewish polemic. People who are that querulous and self-righteous should start a blog.

RATING: 13%, or 7% for wieners who actually read Fence magazine.

(This image is actually my high school yearbook photo. I've put on weight since then.)

New Yorkers

New Yorkers are just like you or me, except there are ten million of them and only one you or me. Well, there actually might be like 15 or so of you (hope hope), but you get the picture. Anyway, most New Yorkers are always scowling and sitting grumpily on the subway or yelling at total strangers or bumping into people, but you can't blame them. They're probably on their way home from their second job that they need to work in order to afford their $2000/mo studio apartment. This is also probably why a lot of New Yorkers feel the need to act superior to people from not New York, because if they have to work that hard to just scrape by, it must be the greatest city on the face of the earth, right? Also at this bar we went to in Queens every guy reminded me of Andrew Dice Clay. In conclusion my girlfriend is the best ever.

RATING: 56%

new york city apartment brokers

There really is nothing worse in the whole world. Each one is full of concentrated evil. Seriously.

Rating: Am I allowed to give lower than 0%?

Photo: I found that photo at this website, http://carmenrealestate.com, and I swear that is the second photo that popped up when I typed in "broker" for a google image search, and boy doesn't he fit the description?

Mr. Sulu getting gay married

I have a saying and it goes a little something like this: if something is okay for Mr. Sulu, it's okay for everyone. Alright maybe I don't have that saying, but still. How can anyone doubt gay marriage is okay if Mr. Sulu is gay married? The man can navigate through space, you know. Yeah, you really can't argue with that. Congratulations Mr. Sulu!

Rating: 98%

This just in, the Daily Show referenced Mr. Sulu getting gay married. Clip here, Mr. Sulu is at 3:00, right after the hilarious bit about the tragedy of a child having two Jewish mothers.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

It might surprise some people that the symbol of modern American liberalism is my favorite President. And sure, I hate bureaucracy like every other good American, but there's obviously major points for the President who led the country through the Great Depression and WWII. Points off, however, for the Japanese internment and his slow response to the German extermination camps. Look at that guy, though, what a stud. I love him.

RATING: 93%

Chloe Sevigny

As a artsy-fartsy-indie-rock-lovin-sex-drugs-(law)-and-rock n' roll kind of girl I feel compelled to really like Chloe Sevigny. After all, I'm pretty sure that's required if I want to maintain a shred of my indie rock cred. Right? However, I have to take issue with the substantial damage Ms. Sevigny has done to fashion. (The Fug Girls call that number on the left there "Princess Catsuit McCigarette," which cracks my ass up.) There is also the issue of the little onscreen bj that she bestowed on Vincent Gallo in Brown Bunny. You're really not doing any favors to the women's movement there, Chlo! So yeah, I think I've decided that indie cred be dammed, I dislike this biatch. (Hopefully telling the story of how I saw Parker Posey on the street once will help me continue to get dates with skinny hipster boys...not that I want to date skinny hipster boys...oh god I'm so confused.)

Rating: 25%

this photo (or: shiny hot pants for adolescent boys)

This photo brings up an important point we have yet to address outright here at Reviews. How do you rate things that are completely awesome because of their utter badness? Like do I rate it low because there is something fundamentally WRONG about adolescent boys in shiny tight pants or do I rate it high because I can't stop looking at it. I'm going to go with high because God I love the way that one in the middle wears his shiny pants with such attitude.

Rating: 69%

My new governor

As most of you who don't live in caves probably already know, we have a new governor here in NY. I for one, love this guy. Wife cheating aside (and any of you who have ever read my blog know how I feel about cheating), I still really like this guy. He seems to really have his shit together, I loved his joke about the lobbyists the other week, and despite Larry Wilmore's claims that the blindness doesn't count, you have to love a diversity twofer. I mean, this whole Spitzer hookerbangin thing really would have pissed ppl off a lot more if we hadn't gotten this great new gov out of the deal. For example, can you imagine how pissed we would all be if Bush was caught hookerbangin and then Cheney took over?

Rating: 75%

Martha Stewart

Bitch can bake, churn her own butter, organize your bathroom, and she's been in the big house. And then of course there's this:



Rating: 70%

My day today

I think it's safe to say I had a pretty sucktacular day. I was stood up twice, had an emotionally vexing phone conversation with my ex that had me crying in a library study room, got mild food poisoning from some lox, and when I bought my new Metrocard this morning I discovered that the price has gone up five bucks. Therefore, today sucked. Boo today.

Rating: 16%

Stones' Beast of Burden

I can't quite put my finger on what it is that makes this song so damn catchy, but damn, it's catchy! "I love how it's all bom bom bom all I want for you to mAake love to me..." Oh Mick Jagger, if you weren't a scary old man with giant lips I would totally make love to you. (As long as you didn't actully call it "making love.") Walk for miles, my feet are hurtin...

Rating: 74%

Justice Antonin Scalia

Never before has the Supreme Court had a Justice quite as crazy as good ole Scalia (or at least so far as I can tell after 1.5 semesters of law school). He's one of my favorite Justices because of the way he makes me laugh, cry, and want to stab people (mostly conservatives). He doesn't believe in the idea of a Living Constitution, so all of his opinions can be summed up like this: This is the law, and the law don't change. That makes for easy exam prep b/c if you ever forget what one of his dissents said you can just guess that and you will always be right. Also, when the Texas sodomy law was struck down, he argued that the government should be allowed to make laws against not only bigamy, incest, and bestiality, but also masturbation. So watch out for the police if Scalia gets his way, because they are coming for your hairy palms!

Glenn

For my inaugural post here on Reviews, I've decided to review Glenn. Glenn is a pretty cool guy and a good friend. He'll be there for you if you need a ride to the pet store to buy worms for your ungrateful lizard or if your asshole boyfriend breaks up with you and you need to call someone and hysterically cry in the middle of the night, so I guess you could say he has a good range of supportive abilities (way better than a jock strap, which from what I can tell, only supports one area). He also has frequently has candy at his house or on his person and if you can get him to admit that he has it, he will usually share with you. And finally, I can't decide if this is a good thing or bad, but it goes without saying that Glenn is a giant nerd. I mean, it's nice to have a friend who understands references to Dr. Who and Star Trek, and who I can call if I just want to ask if Spiderman went to college (I actually did that once!), but sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as too nerdy. And then I listen to Weezer's "In The Garage" and remember that I love nerds, so that's impossible. Therefore, Glenn is tops, two thumbs up, a fresh tomato.

Just realized I'm supposed to give a percentage rating. I guess we'll give Glenn about an 85%. Better than most stuff, but not the really great stuff like kinky sex and beer. Although too much of him rarely leaves me puking into a bucket while my friends enjoy the last few hours of my birthday party so he might actually rate higher than beer.