Mr. Willowby's Christmas Tree

A family of mice living inside the eccentric Mr. Willowby’s house set out to cut down the perfect Christmas tree. They climb to the top of the perfect tree, only for it to be cut out from under them by a group of lumberjacks. Those lumberjacks bring the tree back to Mr. Willowby’s house, where he declares it to be the most perfect Christmas tree. Except that it’s just a little too big. Mr. Willowby has the top of the tree cut off (which is where the mice are) and gives that portion of the tree to his maid. She declares it to be the most perfect Christmas tree. Except that it’s just a little too big. So she chops the top off (where the mice are) and throws it in the trash. From there it’s picked up a family of bears and then the portion that they discard is picked up by some owls before, finally, the mice are able to claim their portion of the perfect Christmas tree. Mr. Willowby's Christmas Tree is a fairly obscure Muppets Christmas special starring Robert Downey Jr, Stockard Channing and Leslie Nielsen. Other than a few moments of physical humor, Leslie Nielsen is stuck playing a stuffy butler. And, while I cannot confirm such things, I suspect Robert Downey Jr. might have been under the influence during the production of this special. His character looks like Robert Smith from The Cure and has the manic energy of Willy Wonka and the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland. If RDJ was actually sober at this time, then he truly is America’s greatest living actor.

Rating: Nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree%

(Image from IMDB)

Sabrina Claus

With Christmas on the way, Sabrina develops a case of Egotitis which messes with her magic. Sabrina’s aunts summon Bob to help get Sabrina reacquainted with the true meaning of Christmas. But, when Bob (who’s actually Santa Claus) gets injured, Sabrina is forced to step in and deliver all of Santa’s gifts herself. While I definitely watched Sabrina the Teenage Witch when it was first on, it failed to make much of an impression on me. Other than Salem, the sometimes puppet sometimes live action cat, nothing from this series really stuck with me. Sabrina doesn’t come off very well in this particular episode. Sure, she has to start out in a bad place in order to learn her lesson but her attitude, which was probably period appropriate in 1997, has aged like old eggnog.

Rating: Eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree%

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

Steve and Carl head out to the woods of Wisconsin to score a free Christmas tree, only to get lost after it starts to snow. Meanwhile, back at the Winslow homestead, Laura must choose between Curtis and Stefan. At this point in the series, Stefan Urquelle was no longer Steve’s cool alter ego and was a fully independent clone of Steve that had been permanently transformed into Stefan. Things like that happened a lot on 90s sitcoms that maybe ran a little too long. Richie is mentioned in the episode but does not appear. And, sadly, by this time my favorite character, Waldo Geraldo Faldo, was no longer a part of the show.

Rating: FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree%

Piranha (1995)

In the 1990s, Roger Corman produced more than two dozen movies for the premium cable network Showtime. A number of which were remakes of films that he had either produced or directed himself. The remake of Joe Dante's Piranha is notable because it reuses most of the special effects footage from the original film. While watching the remake, it's pretty clear that most of the footage filmed above water is new, while almost all of the footage underwater is from the original. A lot of the script has also been taken verbatim from the original as well. The plot is virtually the same, hitting all of the same beats. There's actually more nudity in the remake, which surprised me. The cast is full of TV veterans like William Katt, Alexandra Paul, Soleil Moon Frye and an impossibly young Mila Kunis. There are even a few notable character actors like James Karen and Leland Orser among the cast. I wouldn't recommend going out of your way to see Piranha (1995), but there are worse ways to spend 90 minutes.

Rating: 59%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Alexandra Paul, who was on Baywatch when Piranha (1995) came out, was also in Dragnet and John Carpenter's Christine.

Fa La La La Laagghh!

After finding out about a neighborhood lighting display contest, Carl tricks Steve into helping him deck out the Winslow's roof. Meanwhile, Harriette starts to feel the Christmas Blues after Eddie and Laura are too busy to help her decorate the Christmas tree. Thankfully, Estelle is there to teach everyone a valuable lesson about the true meaning of Christmas. Despite being in the opening credits, Richie does not appear in the episode, nor is he mentioned. Similarly, the great Waldo Geraldo Faldo is also, unfortunately, absent from this episode.

 

Rating: Roller Blades%

Chill Zone

Lawrence Limburger, an evil alien disguised as a rich industrialist, unleashes a horde of snow sucking robots to steal all of the ice in Chicago. And he might have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those pesky Biker Mice from Mars. Watching this episode of Biker Mice from Mars, I was stuck by two things: (1) the show's theme song sucks. It's just wailing cock rock, there's no cool lyrics about the origins of the Biker Mice. And (2) the writing on Biker Mice from Mars is terrible. It's all alliteration and bad puns. There was even a subtle knock against the Ninja Turtles at one point. But, let's face it, there wouldn't have been a Biker Mice from Mars show without the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The Turtles walked so that the Biker Mice from Mars could, I don't know, pop a wheelie or something.

 

Rating: A New Orphanage%

Home for Christmas

While on Christmas vacation, Zack Morris bumps into Laura Benton at the mall. Zack tries to impress Laura with some of his trademark charm, but Laura seems reluctant to spend time with Zack or tell him anything about herself. It's only after the gang goes to the hospital to visit a man who collapsed at the mall that they learn the truth, the man is Laura's father and they're both homeless. Saved by the Bell, typically a fairly featherlight show, would occasionally take a stab at tackling serious issues, often with mixed results. "Home for Christmas" handles the issue fairly well, both by acknowledging the main characters' privilege and also their ignorance, with Zack really stepping in it in front of Laura when he suggests that some homeless people are just winos or worse. And while things end up fairly well for Laura and her father, those characters are never seen or mentioned again.

 

Rating: A Sport Coat%

Olive, the Other Reindeer

With Blitzen injured, Christmas is on the verge of being cancelled. But Olive, inspired by mishearing something said by Santa, sets off on an adventure to reach the North Pole and save Christmas. Along the way, Olive teaches everyone she meets a little something about the Christmas Spirit. Olive, the Other Reindeer isn't just an old Dad joke, it's also a children's book and a crudely animated TV special. The animation style is somewhere between Reboot and early South Park. It looks like something an ambitious child might have made. The voice cast features Drew Barrymore, Joe Pantoliano and Ed Asner alongside Dan Castellaneta, Tress MacNeille, Billy West, Tim Meadows and Michael Stipe. Yes, that Michael Stipe. 

Rating: Slippers%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Dickens of a Christmas

In an effort to beat the Summer heat, Doc Brown takes his family and Marty McFly to Victorian England to celebrate a Dickensian Christmas. Doc's sons, Jules and Verne, are forced to become pickpockets after the keys to the DeLorean get stolen. Clara Brown gets thrown into prison for spurning the advances of Ebiffnezer Tannen. And, while Doc searches for his sons, Marty gives Ebiffnezer the full Scrooge treatment. The Back to the Future animated series, which more or less takes place after the events of Back to the Future Part III, is a little odd. It's cool that Mary Steenburgen and Thomas F. Wilson reprise their roles as Clara Clayton Brown and the various members of the Tannen family but it's weird that Christopher Lloyd plays Doc Brown in live-action wraparound segments while Dan Castellaneta does the voice for Doc in the animated portions of the show. Also, I'm just going to assume that the educational segments at the end of the episode featuring Bill Nye the Science Guy were necessitated by some sort of broadcasting regulation.

 

Rating: Wind Up Frankenstein%

(Image from Amazon)

Child in the Night

A nine-year-old boy witnesses his father being murdered by a mysterious man wielding a hook. As the police and a child psychologist work with the traumatized boy, more bodies with hook wounds begin to turn up. Child in the Night has some slasher elements, most notably the fact that the killer looks an awful lot like the killer in I Know What You Did Last Summer, but it's definitely more of a thriller/murder mystery. Elijah Wood, in an early role, plays the young boy. JoBeth Williams plays the child psychologist, Tom Skerritt plays the gruff Detective Bass and Darren McGavin, from Kolchak: The Night Stalker and A Christmas Story, plays the young boy's grandfather.

Rating: 61%

(Image from IMDB)

Xmas Story

It's the year 3000 and Fry is having a hard time adjusting to Xmas (formerly known as Christmas) in the 30th Century. His complaints wind up upsetting Leela, who grew up an orphan. To cheer her up, Fry sets out to buy Leela a last minute Xmas present. But, Fry being Fry, he fails to heed the warnings about Robot Santa who, due to a programming error, goes on a killing spree every Xmas Eve. I haven't watched Futurama in many years, so revisiting this episode was a real treat for me. Tinny Tim, the down-and-out robot in search of charity booze, was definitely a highlight.

Rating: Stink Lizards%

Miracle on Elm Street

After getting a lesson about the importance of giving during the Christmas season, Richie invites a homeless person to come live with the Winslows. Meanwhile, Steve Urkel heads downs to the city dump to find Laura's favorite doll, which Eddie accidentally threw away. At the end of the episode, the cast breaks the fourth wall and sings "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." This is a top tier Family Matters Christmas episode. There's even an appearance from the great Waldo Geraldo Faldo, so you know I love it.

Rating: Super Nintendo%

Fun Fact: Ben, the homeless man who may have been more than he appeared to be, was played by Art Evans, who was also in Die Hard 2.

Jolly Old St. Dick

I definitely watched 3rd Rock from the Sun for a chunk of its six season run back in the day, but very little of it has stayed with me in the years since. I've actually tried to revisit the series after seeing it pop up on various streaming services, but I found the show's aggressive laugh track to be distracting. However, while watching "Jolly Old St. Dick," I couldn't help but appreciate the show's pacing and jokes per minute ratio. With the four main characters each getting a plot thread, plus appearances from half a dozen supporting characters, it's a wonder that the show wasn't a jumbled mess. As a youngster, I was in a school play about aliens coming to Earth and learning the true meaning of Christmas, so it was especially nostalgic for me to watch this episode where the alien leads get to be confused, excited, frustrated and ultimately delighted by the whole Christmas experience.

Rating: Travel Mug%

It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown

You might be surprised to learn that there have been at least four Peanuts Christmas specials. I know I was. But after watching It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown, I can understand why this fact isn't more well known. That's not to say that It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown is bad, it's just nowhere near as good as the perennial A Charlie Brown Christmas. It's Christmastime Again doesn't have much of a story. It feels like a lot of disjointed vignettes that have been haphazardly collected. It's also lacking in memorable songs and iconography. There's nothing in this special that really stands out. Nothing that makes it especially special.

Rating: Gloves%

Christmas is Where the Heart Is

Carl and Steve head out to do some last minute shopping on a stormy Christmas Eve after Carl accidentally destroys the crystal music box he bought for Harriette. On their way home from the mall, Carl and Steve get stuck on the subway after the power goes out. Steve's efforts to improve everyone's mood with singing and Christmas cheer are initially met with condemnation and (sitcom appropriate) threats of violence. "Christmas is Where the Heart Is" is mainly focused on Carl, Steve and the other stranded passengers. The rest of the Winslow family, at least those still on the show, are featured but have little involvement in the story. And, sadly, Waldo Geraldo Faldo is once again absent.

Rating: 20 Pound Dumbbell%

Christmas Story

Step by Step ran for seven seasons, from 1991 to 1998. It was made by some of the same people that made Family Matters, Steve Urkel even made an appearance on Step by Step's second episode. It was another big, broad 90s sitcom with a big cast. It had the same setup as the Brady Bunch, two single parents marry and form a large blended family. The show's breakout character was Cody, a goofy stoner/surfer-type with endless hidden skills and a stealthy wisdom beyond his years. In "Christmas Story," Frank and Carol (played by TV veterans Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers) realize on Christmas Eve that they've forgotten to pick up some important presents for their kids. Frank, a contractor, just so happens to have the keys to a toy store he's remodeling, so he and Carol let themselves in "with intent to purchase." Unfortunately for them, they're arrested by Deputy Feif (played by special guest star Don Knotts, in a not-so-subtle homage to his character on the Andy Griffith Show). Back at home, the kids are so consumed with opening presents that they don't even notice that their parents are missing. Thankfully, Cody is there to teach everyone an important lesson about the true meaning of Christmas.

Rating: Fried Chicken%

Fun Fact: Suzanne Somers and Don Knotts were both on Three's Company.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Urkel

Since our last Christmas with the Winslows, the opening credits of Family Matters has gone from nine to ten credited actors. In season four, the underappreciated Waldo Geraldo Faldo was bumped up to the main cast, although he does not appear in this episode. Telma Hopkins, who played Aunt Rachel, would no longer be a full-time cast member after season four, though she would still return to the show from time to time. Judy Winslow, played by Jaimee Foxworth, would be written off the show after season four. And, like Chuck Cunningham, Judy would never really be mentioned again. Even though I feel bad for the actor, it's hardly surprising that they would drop Judy from the cast. She appears at the beginning and end of the episode, but she doesn't have any lines. With Richie getting all of the precocious kid material, there's really nothing left for Judy. "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Urkel" takes a page from the It's a Wonderful Life playbook. Laura gets a visit from her guardian angel after she hurts Steve's feelings for the millionth time. Tyrone, her angel, shows Laura what it would be like if her and Steve's roles were reversed. In the angel's vision, Steve becomes Steve Winslow while Laura becomes the nerdy neighbor Laura Urkel. Tyrone gives Laura the chance to go back and be nicer to Steve, resulting in her inviting Steve to spend Christmas Eve with the Winslows. It's not groundbreaking television by any means, but Kellie Shanygne Williams does a great job in nerd form.

Rating: Crystal Vase%

Frosty Returns

Frosty Returns isn't really a Christmas Special. It's some hippy-dippy bait-and-switch environmentalist propaganda bullshit. It's also not very good. It looks good and it has a great voice cast but that's about it. And, as much as I like John Goodman (he's in at least two of my favorite movies), he really has no business singing. I haven't really liked any of the Frosty specials so far, so I probably shouldn't have been surprised that I didn't end up liking Frosty Returns.

Rating: Yellow Snow%

(Image from IMDB)

It's a Wonderful Leaf

Even supervillains have to shop. Unfortunately, the shitty shoppers of St. Canard prove to be too much for Bushroot to bare and he decides to ruin Christmas for everyone. Using his plant-based powers, Bushroot amasses an army of Christmas trees to carry out his pernicious plans. Step one: cause chaos at the mall. Step two: steal everyone's presents. Only one thing stands in Bushroot's way, the daring do-gooder Darkwing Duck. Ever since I got Disney+, I've really been enjoying revisiting some of the classic Disney Afternoon shows. I think Darwking Duck holds up particularly well. Something tells me that Bonkers and Goof Troop might not have aged as gracefully though.

Rating: Sled%

(Image from IAD)

The Langoliers

A buncha disparate strangers including, you guessed it, an author wake up in the middle of their cross country flight to find that most of the passengers and crew and people of Earth have vanished. Luckily one of them is a deadheading pilot so he decides to set the plane down in, you guessed it, Bangor Maine to figure stuff out. Turns out they're out of sync with time and are about to be eaten by these little Pac Men creatures who clean up the past. I remember watching this as a kid and busting out laughing at how bad the CG was for the titular monsters was but figured maybe I'd be cooler with it now since even a lot of what I considered "good" CG in the 90s looks ridiculous in 2021 but no, this is still incredibly laughable. 

RATING: 31%