The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

Some people will tell you that The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is one of the worst movies ever made. And, while it is bad, it’s not nearly as bad as people would have you believe. I don’t mean to suggest that it’s misunderstood or that it’s secretly a cult classic. I can’t really offer up any defense for the movie. But I get why they made it. Making a movie based on the then popular Garbage Pail Kids cards probably seemed like a good idea at the time. It’s just that pretty much every choice that they made after getting the rights to the cards was a bad choice. The plot is dumb. The human characters are fairly unpleasant. And the Garbage Pail Kids themselves, as seen in the movie, are unsettlingly gross. That might seem like a weird critique to make given that the Garbage Pail Kids cards are also gross. But the level of grossness that can be enjoyed coming out of a wax pack is a lot different than that of the uncanny monstrosities who spend ninety minutes constantly farting, wetting themselves and playing with their boogers on the big screen.

Rating: 50%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Sentinel

Alison Parker, a fashion model with a troubled past, sets out to find a new apartment. Her search takes her to the gates of hell, literally. The Sentinel is a slow burn but when it feels like ramping up to some crazy shit, it really goes for it. The movie's supporting cast includes Burgess Meredith, John Carradine, Eli Wallach, Christopher Walken, Jerry Orbach, Beverly D'Angelo and Jeff Goldblum.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Alison's boyfriend is played by Chris Sarandon, who was in Fright Night and Child's Play.

Blood and Black Lace

A masked killer stalks and slays fashion models while trying to get his black gloved hands on an incriminating diary. Mario Bava's stylish giallo is a proto-slasher that revels in creative kills. The masked killer looks like The Blank from 1990's Dick Tracy movie. And, much like in Mario Bava's A Bay of Blood, almost every character in the movie is a scumbag.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Mutton Chops

Easy way to say “stay away ladies” without opening your mouth. Plus they can cover up hideous facial scars while housing tiny parasitic creatures.


Note: Lemmy and Wolverine are exempt from any anit-mutton chop snarkery.
Rating: 8%

Men in ponytails

Women like their men to remind them of horses. And they enjoy sharing their scrunchies. Win, win.


Rating: 0.351%

Women Wearing Ties

Why do I like this so much? This is how I end up dating so many confused lesbians. But you have to admit, it is hot. Women can pull off almost anything.

Rating: 97%

Stanwell Bulldog Majestic

Every pipe smoker should own at least one bulldog, and pipe smokers of stockier build should probably have several. The Stanwell Majestic is a good choice: it's fairly light, at 1.3 ounces, it has a nice finish, and its bowl has a slight forward cant that says "I at least know what century I'm in." I have two reservations about this otherwise great pipe, and both involve the acrylic bit: the stem of the pipe is thin and brittle enough that I worry about breakage, and I'd hesitate to carry it in my pocket or bag without taking it apart first. Since the pipe has to cool for at least an hour after smoking before I can remove the bit, this is a pain in the ass. Also, the hard acrylic is resistant to wear but hurts my teeth, especially since it takes a firmer bite to hold a straight shanked pipe perpendicular to my face. This makes it tough to smoke while reading, typing, or holding a beer in each hand.

RATING: 89%

(Image from smokingpipes.com.)

GQ Rates "America's 25 Douchiest Colleges," Forgets Subscription Demographics

Hey, I'm not a big fan of ASU either, but really, GQ? Aside from your article's unfunniness and general lack of reasoning, I can't help but feel as if this is possibly the most unintentionally ironic time-waste you've ever published. Hey. What's the difference between a douchebag and a Qouchebag? Prada glasses and an overuse of the term 'zeitgeist' in casual conversation.



Rating: 12%

The Matrix Trilogy

Breathe easy, gothtards. The Wachowski brothers say Baudrillard says Keanu Reeves will die for your sins.

RATING: The Matrix 68%
Matrix Reloaded 70%
Matrix Revolutions 60%

(Image from www.visualjokes.com.)

Abaeté Fall 2009 Collection

It's about time that I added something to the V3 component of R3, so I've decided to review a few shows from fashion week. (Maybe someone with strong feelings about the Betsy Johnson show will follow suit, nudge, nudge.) On first look, I found the Abaeté show to be well crafted but a little boring, but looking at it again I just had the realization that it is about 76% the embodiment of my own personal style. Occasionally funky, but very clean and put together (sometimes to a fault), and with lots of short skirts. (I dress this way because I am an artist masquerading as a lawyer. And because I like short skirts.) My favorite piece is the dress over there on the left, which is completely my style because the lines are a little crazy, but it is devoid of color (I wear a LOT of grey.)

View the entire show here.

Rating: 76%

Eddie Bauer Leather Belt

HOW TO MAKE AN GENUINE EDDIE BAUER LEATHER BELT:
1. Get a cow.
2. Feed it nothing but fish for several months.
3. Set it on fire.
4. Cut a 38" strip off the charred animal (40" if it's right after Christmas) and tie it around your waist.
5. Slump lower in your chair as the people around you wrinkle their noses.
6. Smile! You just saved $50!
7. Nod your head to the Eurotrash beat of Ace of Base.

RATING: 10% right now, but the belt is currently frozen in a sealed bag full of baking soda, and I have high hopes.

(Image from exc.images-amazon.com.)

Crocs

I think I read somewhere that crocs were responsible for over 3000 cases of fashion police brutality in the U.S. alone last year. Or maybe that was just a dream I had.

RATING: 20%, or 90% if your life is fucked and your job happens to require closed-toed shoes